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The Un-Resolution

by on Dec.31, 2011, under Child development, Communication, Environmental influences, Holidays, Parent modeling, Parenting, Relationships

I don’t like New Year’s resolutions. They scream failure. It doesn’t start that way. But inevitably the best laid plans… Two weeks into that new diet, that exercise routine, that tidy bedroom, and it’s back to square one and self-flagellation. Oh well, maybe next year.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t many things I could or should change about myself. In fact, the list is embarrassingly long, and it would take many New Years to work my way through it, failure after failure.

Recently I watched a TED Talk about mindfulness and gratitude.  ( )  I have watched many of these talks, but this one—Louie Schwartzberg—blew me away. It sparked in me the closest thing to a resolution that I will have ever made: pay attention.  The good news is that the advice is nothing new. Being aware is something not only that I practice in my life but also that I preach in my work– mindful parenting.

Over the years I have met hundreds of parents. Some are helpless; some just stuck; some misguided; some are uber-confident.  The most effective parents share one trait: they are mindful.  Mindful parenting starts with keeping your eyes wide open. It’s like the flower’s growth revealed by time-lapse photography—your children blossom before your eyes every day, but only if you tune in.

Parenting effectively is an outgrowth of acting in thoughtful (as in, full of thought) and deliberate ways. Mindful parents think about what they do and say; they don’t shoot from the hip. You know those times when you open your mouth and out pops your father and the exact words you swore you would never spew?
It doesn’t mean that your deliberate actions will necessarily yield the desired behavior from your child. (We are talking about people, after all.) It does mean that you will eventually get there because you are observing, thinking, evaluating; you are parenting actively. Mindful parents think about and take responsibility for their actions with their children, and they make course corrections.

 In his talk, Schwartzberg shares a taste of his Happiness Revealed Project. It is breathtaking. In the piece, the older gentleman implores us to open our eyes to each day, “…It is not just another day; it is a day that was given to you. It’s a gift, a gift that was given to you right now.”  And so it is with your children. Each day you have with your child is a gift. You have just one life with each, so don’t let it get away. Pay attention and be mindful. You don’t have to resolve to do it; just do it. It’s right there in front of you.


2 Comments for this entry

  • Jill K

    Oh Betsy….thank goodness I had years of parenting advice from you. I cherish each day (well almost) with the kids. It seems the old they get, the faster they get older…if that makes sense. Loved this post on your blog. I love TED talks too and listen to them. I’m going to listen to this one you mentioned. Thanks!

  • Dr. Erica Rivera

    YES! YES!! Betsy – I concur!!! We all need to keep it simple, be gentle, be kind and take it one step at a time. And of course, LOVE the mindfulness piece.

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