But the characteristic low lights and calm of the Oak Room were punctured by the incessant whining of a four year old boy.  “I haaaaate that salad.”  Groan…there went my respite.

 I am not sure when it became acceptable to take young children to restaurants,  I am sure that it has become more and more common.  Children of all ages–infants and toddlers, antsy first graders and even sour fifth graders–have become part of the adult restaurant landscape…complete with the ants in their pants, their complaints about there not being the right kind of pizza, and the whining about it taking toooo long.

 It might be true that your child is perfectly well behaved in restaurants of all kinds, that he has developed a mature palate from eating so much sushi, that he has the patience of an adult…but your child is the exception. 

 Restaurants can be the epitome of  lousy local conditions for children of all ages. The behavioral expectations of the restaurant setting are often a reach for them:  sit still; do not get out of your seat; keep you voice down; don’t play with the condiments or silverware; don’t bother your brother; don’t use your fingers; put your napkin on your lap.  The food at restaurants challenges the typical child’s palate:  “I only eat blue box macaroni and cheese!”  “Don’t let the foods touch!” “It doesn’t taste good!”  “I only like the other nuggets!”  “I changed my mind, I don’t want that!”    And the timing is off: children are accustomed to fast food, that is, “Go-wash-your- hands- your-dinner-is-ready” fast. No ordering and waiting.  And they like to eat at their regular meal time.

 More often than not, children are set up for failure in a restaurant. It is, simply stated, not the way they are accustomed to having meals. And children like it the way they like it.

 Then there is everyone else. While I promise you I love your children (and I really do genuinely love children), there is a place, time, and extent to my love.  When adults go out to dine, their anticipated experience includes the adult ambiance of the restaurant.  If they wanted to dine with children, they would likely go to Chucky Cheese.

 In deciding whether to bring or not to bring your child to the restaurant, ask yourself whose needs are being met.  Are you setting your child up to be successful?  Will it be a happy, stress free time for all of you? Will anyone else’s dining experience be affected by your child’s presence? 

 Sometimes tuna fish sandwiches with a side of macaroni and cheese are a much better choice for everyone.

“Who do you love the most?”  No matter how it comes out, every child who has a sibling wonders and worries about which child plays the starring role in his parent’s heart. 

 Favorites are tricky business, and the topic has a lot of press recently. In both a study published in April 2010 in the Journal or Marriage and the Family and in a new book, The Favorite Child, the issue is addressed. They conclude that both the child who is perceived as the favorite and the one who is not can suffer.  The perceived favored child is vulnerable to developing unhealthy personality traits, including the need to please, (be it the parent, the teacher, or the boss), and a sense of entitlement. He can also feel tremendous guilt for being the one chosen as the favorite.

 The unfavored child can work overtime trying to please the adults in his life, desperate to make it to the favored son status anywhere he can. He works to the exclusion of experiencing true enjoyment, intimate relationships, and more. And sometimes this child decides he might as well excel at being “bad” since he’ll never be the “good” one. That role is already filled.

 Let’s face it. Every parent who has more than one child actually does favor one child over the other(s) at some point, if only for a fleeting moment. Admitting that, however, generates oceans of guilt, as everyone knows it’s downright illegal!  What’s a parent to do?

 Perhaps the first step is accepting that there will be days and times, long periods and short, that you do have a favorite child. But that does not mean you love that child more. It means that on that day, at that time, that child is in the pole position. Perhaps he was more cooperative; maybe he woke up on the right side of the bed; maybe he was the child who remembered to call you, who carried in the groceries, who hung up his jacket. But he is only the favorite at that moment.  Then your other child is the life of the party at the dinner table. You marvel at his sense of humor; you admire his powers of observations. You fall in love, and today he is your favorite. In most families, children float in and out of the favored son status

Here are a few more suggestions for avoiding pitfalls of playing favorites

•  Actively look for the characteristics that make each of your children different. Call them out, appreciate them,  and share them with the world.
• Let your child hear you talking about him positively and proudly, not for something he accomplished but for something he is.
• Make time to spend with each child alone regularly, (Yes, even if you have 5 children!), and nurture the special relationship you have with each.
• Work hard to cultivate one of each of your child’s separate interests. If he loves baseball, ask him to explain the box scores to you. If she loves princesses, ask her to introduce you to each one and learn their names!
• Be careful not to pigeon hole your child. He is the artist; she is the athlete. Doing so can actually undermine the child’s desire to give something new a try.  After all, it isn’t his role.
• Do not ever hold one child up to the other. “Why can’t you just get your homework done like your brother does?”  Speak to him about him only.
• When you hear your children squabbling, take pains not to call out one child’s name, even if you know he is the perpetrator. Instead of saying, “Seymour, what are you doing?” try “What’s going on in there, boys?”
• Stop trying to make life “fair” for each child. Most parents confuse “fair” with “equal.”  It will never be fair enough for your children, and someone will be perceived as the one you like best because he got new shoes. Fair means giving each child what he needs at the moment. Preach it and practice it.
• When your child asks you whom you love the most, put on your most twinkly smile and say “You are my most favorite Jessie in the whole world!”

 Even though the consistent, routinized school year schedule actually makes life easier for most children and parents, getting back into the swing of things can be a real challenge.  There are so many adjustments to be made from the more carefree summer life to the hurry-up-we’re-going-to-be-late-school year.

 A mindful transition from summer to the school year, done gradually and purposefully before school actually starts, will go a long way towards smoothing that transition.  

 Here are some tips for starting the school year off smoothly:

•  Mind your attitude. Not all children are excited about the start of school, but a positive attitude can be contagious.  Instead of saying things like, “Your teacher won’t allow that kind of behavior in school” try being positive by saying, “I know your teacher will be so excited to hear all about our trip to the mountains.”  Help the older child to get fired up about what he might learn this school year. “This is  the year that you get to study astronomy. I can’t wait for you to teach me about the stars.” 
•   Introduce your child’s school night bedtime before school starts. School age children need 9 to 11 hours of sleep, and while they get that during the summer, it usually starts later than is good for a school night. Seven days before the start of school, begin bedtime 15 minutes earlier.  Each night take it back a few more minutes, until you get to the desired bed time.  Children should awaken naturally in the morning if they are getting enough sleep.
•   Introduce your school night routine at the same time, a full week before the actual start of school. While you may have allowed TV or tech time before bed in the summer, it may not be a great way to get your child calm and ready for bed on a school night.  Go back to your routine of bath/shower, books, and tuck time. Get back to your low key rituals that include an intimate bed time chat, downloading his day.
•   Adjust your morning routine.  A week before school begins, introduce the school morning routine. A sure fire way to start the morning out right—without fights about clothing and the like—is to follow this schedule: 

1. Snuggle time  (Hopefully even your older kids still crave it!)
2. Get dressed  (Beginning at 4 years old, children choose their own clothing,  hopefully laying them out the night before.)
3.  Eat breakfast, but only after he is fully dressed. (If you are worried that he will get his school clothes dirty, throw on one of your old tee shirts over his clothes.)
4.  Brush teeth.
5.  Bonus time! (a few minutes on the computer, a quick game of Uno!)

• Designate and make ready a homework place. For even the most reluctant child, there’s nothing quite like new school supplies. (Remember?!)  After you have shopped with your child, decide with him where he will do his homework. Not only should he have his notebook supplies, but also he can feather his homework nest. The more involved he is, the more willing he will be to settle down and get to work.

When the school year begins…

•  Create routines. Whether it’s the way your child helps you make lunches, when and where he does his homework, or when he does his chores, routines help the child to stay on track. 
•  Have rules.  Each family will have a different idea about tv during the week, computer and tech time, etc… Have a family meeting to discuss your ideas. Be sure to solicit your child’s opinion, and compromise where you can. Children who are involved in the rule making are more likely to stick to them. 
•  Do as much as you can do the night before.  Help your child lay out his clothes (if necessary); set the table for breakfast; make the lunches; put the grounds in the coffee maker; put trip slips, backpacks, and anything that needs to go to school by the exit door. 
•  Set your own alarm clock earlier. I know you’ll hate this one, and I am sorry. But hurrying is the enemy of children. Set your alarm clock 10 minutes earlier than you think you need.   If you are not rushed, you will be more relaxed with your child. You will be just that much more available to your child, and he won’t need to act out to get your attention.  A chaotic, hurried atmosphere doesn’t make for a great school day send off.
•  Over estimate your family’s prep time.  However long you think it will take everyone to get ready for school…double it! If there is extra time, spend it doing something fun, even unexpected with your child. It will help to start his day off happily, and it is much better than rushing him.
•  Eat breakfast together. Spending a little quality time at the breakfast table together (not reading the paper, not checking email, not focused on the food that is or isn’t being eaten!), goes a long way toward filling your child’s tank.  His moments with you will stay with him throughout his whole day, reminding him that he belongs to a family who loves him.

 With some formal events, it is very clear that children are invited. Often in these cases, accommodations are made for the kids—age appropriate activities, supervision just for the children, food intended for the children (that the adults often love!)  In these cases, the hosts’ plan is for the children to attend.

(And sometimes no matter what is planned for the children—games, play sitters, DVD’s—not every child is going to submit to the “play plan.” The visiting guest has to be prepared with a Plan B to make sure the host or  honoree/bridal couple will not be disturbed in anyway if your little angel turns into Godzilla for the evening.)

 But sometimes it is not so clear that it’s okay for children to attend.

I know that your baby/child/tween is really a great kid. I know that he is well behaved and that you are sure the rest of the guests won’t even know he is there. I know he is used to going everywhere with you, and that he likes being with grown-ups.  I know that your child would really love being there, that it might be a fabulous experience for him.  But bringing a child to a formal event just may not be about your child. It might be in consideration of everyone else. And as disappointing as it might be, one of life’s lessons is that sometimes children cannot be included.

 While there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, to bring or not to bring, there are some considerations which might help you make your decision.

 1.    Consider the host and the honorees.  Was your child’s name on the save-the-date card? On the invitation? That’s a dead giveaway! If it is not, you can assume it is an adults-only event. But if you are still not sure, ASK; do not assume.  Even if your child is an infant, ask.  Truth be told, infants, though the easiest to transport, are often the most unpredictable and can be highly disruptive to services and celebrations. And even the precious voice of a better behaved four year old asking questions can ruin a wedding vow!

 2.     Consider the child.  What is your child like? What is his temperament when he is away from home? How is he in strange places (with hoards of people)? How adaptable is he? How patient? How needy? In most cases, children are not happy at these kinds of events, the ones not intended for children. It’s not fun for them (and especially if none of his friends are in attendance.) It might start out being exciting, but it wears off fast. Just as your feet ache in your heels after the second hour, he has had it with the bow tie pretty quickly.

 Black tie events can be the epitome of “lousy local conditions.”  The mini tuxedo/ the scratch party dress, the knee high view of most of the guests, the deafeningly loud band music, the food –Eeewwww! I hate salmon—served at 10 p.m…all make for a less than child-friendly environment.  Are you setting your child up for failure?

 Even if your six year old son has a special relationship with his favorite baby sitter who is getting married, weddings are different than one-on-one sitter nights.  He imagines spending the night with his best gal, but they won’t be playing Checkers on the dance floor. He won’t be happy.

  3.     How will it be for you?  Often the child, feeling out of place, will cling and expect to be entertained by you. Will that be fun for you? Will you be able to celebrate in the way you like? Dance with your partner? Have relaxed glass of wine as you chat with friends?  Parents forget to consider that you don’t get to “party hearty” when your child is present. And which one of you will take him home when he collapses before the first toast?

 Having carefully considered all the variables, there are always compromises that can work—ceremony-only attendance, hiring a sitter to whisk the child away after the first Shirely Temple, etc…,as long as it’s sanctioned by the hosts.  And there are events at which children are both invited and welcome.  But it is a parent’s job to be considerate of the hosts’ needs and desires, not placing them in an awkward position. After all, it is their special occasion and the memory ought not be tainted by tales of the tantrumming 3 year old or the sulky 7 year old.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

Whether it’s leaving your infant with a baby sitter, watching your four year old go off on a playdate (without you), helping your six year old to pack for a sleepover…whether it’s going off to nursery school, starting kindergarten, or going off to college, over and over again, life is full of separations.

At first the focus is on the child. Will he be okay? Will he be too homesick to have fun at camp? Will the teacher kiss his boo boo at preschool? With whom will he have lunch on the school playground?  Will he even think to wash his sheets in the dorm?  Then the dust settles, all is well, and a new reality emerges.  My child is fine; he can take care of himself. I’m a mess. Look who is having trouble with separation! 

Going to sleep away camp or to a friend’s house for the night are such valuable separations. Not only does your child learn how to take care of his own physical and emotional needs, becoming self reliant and independent, but you get to practice letting go.  All of the little separations in your child’s life pave the way for the big separation. There will come a time when your little guy, now big, kisses you goodbye, and that kiss has to last all the way until his next visit home.

Jessie came home last month to pack up her wedding gifts and drive them to her new home in San Francisco. “Mom, where is my birth certificate? I need it for work.” she asked as she and Michael were about to leave. Of course I had it. It was in the important papers file, its permanent, safe home. “Are you sure you should take it, Jess? It’s the only copy. Shouldn’t we keep it?”  Can you hear the eye roll I got?

 Jessie hasn’t really lived at home, not full time, since she went off to college fourteen years ago. She has come and gone,  vacationed on Greentree Road, but this is still the place called “home.”  But it wasn’t until I handed Jessie her very own birth certificate, that it really hit me. We’ve  separated.

On the next trip,  she promised she would unload the attic and take the rest of her memorabilia to her home.  I waited to cry until the UHaul was at the end of the block.

It is for this reason that I challenge you with this question:  Do you know the difference between a vacation and a trip?  A trip is what you do with children; a vacation is for parents alone.  Here is the good news: there is room and need for both!

While family vacations (heretofore to be known as “family trips”) are possibly the best memory makers there are, they can also be challenging for parents—the planning, the arranging, the organizing, the packing, the paraphernalia, the schlepping.  But when you are actually on the road, and you’re utterly exhausted from “going on vacation,” that’s when the memories begin. Everyone remembers the time the suitcase flew off the top of the car, the bear that broke into the food stash, the face mask that sank to the bottom of the ocean. And you remember climbing all the way to the top of the peak, swimming with dolphins, and roasting marshmallows on the campfire.  These vacation memories provide fodder for family folklore forever more. And it is these memories that stay… not the pain of getting there. But more often than not, the parents come home exhausted from the trip. No vacation for them.

Family trips are, nonetheless, the mortar that binds families together, especially when it’s just your own family…no friends, no cousins, no add-on’s.  It is amazing how your kids, who are often at one another’s throats, manage to get along when there’s no one else with whom to play.  It’s on family trips that Dad actually has the time to snorkel, to hike, to play a whole set of tennis with both kids, chatting all the while. Mom relaxes or struts her athletic prowess, never having to stop and put dinner on.  In building a sense of family, taking trips together, despite the giant effort it can take to pull them off, are well worth it.

 But what about you? Here’s where vacations come into the picture.  A vacation is when the parents escape for some extended time together…without the children. It’s more than just dinner and a movie. It’s awakening for one morning by your inner alarm and not by the cacophony of kids arguing over which show to watch. It’s eating breakfast whenever you want or not at all. It’s reading the whole newspaper.  It’s talking together (uninterruptedly) about something other than the kids and their issues.

 I know, I know. You think that’s just impossible.  But vacations actually happen in places other than Hawaii and they don’t have to be for ten days. Sometimes ten hours do the trick, and the hotel on the other side of town might not be half bad. Vacations are about parents getting time alone to connect and to remember why you are together in the first place.

Parents who are connected to one another are better parents. They are on the same page. Their cupboards are full. They are mutually supportive.  But you have to make it happen. And that’s why I say take a summer trip and a summer vacation.

Last week in her article in the New York Times, A Best Friend, You Must Be Kidding, author Hilary Stout explored the question “Should a child really have a best friend?”  I read this piece and my jaw dropped to my chest. No, YOU must be kidding!

 This article references tweens and teens, their texting, their exclusionary tendencies, and bullying, seeing these as being some of the adverse effects of bff relationships. Apparently educators and school administrators across the land are trying to tone down the best friend culture, as a means to dealing with the epidemic of  “mean girl” issues. (I suppose the male equivalent is bullying.)  In so doing, among the outcomes they are hoping for is to curb the tide of parental involvement (calls to the school) regarding their children’s social issues, whether the child is the victim or the perpetrator.

 Many children have best friends; some children do not.  There is, however, no question of the upside to having a bff.  For the young child, this friend often provides a bridge from home to the world, enabling a separation that would otherwise be  difficult.  For single children (without siblings) the bff plays a completely different role; sometimes it’s a faux sibling relationship. For sure and for all, the best friend provides opportunities for lessons and growth in all realms of development, from social and emotional, to the cognitive and physical. 

 It is when the child, regardless of age, exists in the relationship without parental (and sometimes  school) guidance that it can go south.  It is the uncensored relationships, bff and otherwise, that can certainly undermine the development of moral and value based social skills.

 Whether a child has a bff or not, she still must learn social skills—to get along with different kinds of people, to be respectful and kind, to navigate different social scenes.  In short, she must learn acceptable social behaviors, all the different varieties. This is what social intelligence is about.  It is a parent’s job, often along with the school’s, to facilitate her child’s acquisition of these social skills.  It doesn’t start when the child is 10; it starts when the child is 2 years old. And it walks hand in hand with the development of and lessons in empathy.

 It is also a parent’s job to address the social ills that her child may perpetrating…mean girls, gossip, bullying, exclusivity. And it is the school’s job to have policies regarding these same behaviors as it affects school life.

 There is an epidemic of bullying  and mean girl behaviors in this country; this is common knowledge. In an attempt to find a solution, those who blame the bff relationship may be cutting off their noses despite their faces. The answer is not in sabotaging, even forbidding these relationships. The answer is in addressing the ills—having policies and consequences and teaching lessons.

Children who are raised in homes and in schools in which values, ethics, and moral behaviors are modeled, stressed, taught, and rewarded will learn to have best friends and do the right thing. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 As do most of us, I have a bff and I have other friends too, from all walks of my life. My bff is in need right now. I will call in the troops and widen the circle of support  Thank goodness I have many on whom to call.

 Derek does all kinds of work on cars, and on the weekends he and his son keep my car and those of lots of my neighbors in tip-top shape. He’s a really interesting guy. We talk basketball, healthcare reform, the state of LA city schools. You name it, we have chewed on it.

 This is an amazing scene, I thought as I was transfixed on this father and son team.  Every single Saturday and Sunday they spend at least 16 hours together, washing, waxing, detailing cars.  I wondered if they knew how lucky they both are, if they appreciate the significance of their hours together every single weekend. I left my kitchen perch. “Hey guys. I have been watching you two yakking it up, and I just wanted to tell you how cool I think it is to see a father and son working together, chatting it up, chewing the fat, schmoozing. Do you know how great that is?”   They both just smiled, nodded, and were silent.  And then the son said, “My dad and I are really close. We talk about everything.”

 How many dads would, seriously, trade places with Derek?

 Derek added, “Last week I was doing this guy’s car and he came out to show me his new Rolex and to tell about the car he was thinking about buying.  I have it so much better than he does,” Derek said with total conviction. I punctuated his comment with my two cents, “No one ever lies on his death bed wishing he had worked harder at the office or earned more money.”  Derek knew just what I was talking about.

 Derek has been bringing his son with him to work on cars on the weekends since he was five years old.  As his son grew up, Derek discovered that he really valued his son’s help. They were a team in getting the work done. Soon another brother is going to be joining them on the job. Ten years ago when this father-son team first got going, Derek didn’t know the gift he was giving his son and himself.

 We know how important fathers are in the lives of children. Their involved, active participation in their kids’ daily lives influences all aspects of their development, from social skills to cognitive development. There’s lots of research to support this reality.  But influence isn’t just occasional.  Derek is impacting his sons’ lives every single day and most especially on the weekends.

 Can you imagine what kind of fathers Derek’s sons will be? Can you imagine how they will describe their own relationships with their dad as they were growing up?  Now would you trade places with Derek?

 Last week a news story rocked the world of major league baseball.  Armondo Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers pitched a perfect game…almost.  By so doing he would have joined the elite ranks of a very few ball players in the history of the game. It was quite a feat. But he didn’t get credit for it; his accomplishment got derailed by an umpire’s call.  Now here is the amazing part of the story.  After the game had ended, umpire Jim Joyce stepped out in public to say that the call he had made which destroyed the perfect game, was in fact, wrong.  It was a bad call.  He had made a mistake.  No excuses. Bad call. Wow!

 The sports world went wild.  It wasn’t fair!  Galarraga was robbed!  He should have had that perfect game.  Everyone had an opinion. Here’s mine:  Bravo!

 Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it brings disappointment or embarrassment;  sometimes it feels bad, hurts someone’s feelings (albeit unintentionally) or cause someone to suffer consequences;  sometimes you are villainized.  But in the end, you are left with the best feeling of all:  You did the right thing. That means you get to awaken with a clear conscience. You can look at yourself in the mirror and stand tall. With all that you risk in making the tough call—doing the right thing—the greatest reward is your positive, authentic sense of yourself.

Our world is chock full of glaring examples of people who have not made the right choice. From Bernie Madoff to Lindsay Lohan, sports heroes to politicians, coaches to clergymen, friends to family members. They are everywhere, and our children hear about them. 

 But how often to we and our children hear about someone who has done the right thing? How often do people step up and admit their mistakes, without any excuses? Not often enough.  How can we expect our children to step up when the models in their lives do not?

Making a mistake is how children learn not to make that mistake. Being able to own that mistake is an important part of the process, part of the learning and the growing.

 You may be furious at Jim Joyce for raining on Armando Galarraga’s parade. He didn’t get his perfect game.   But he is my hero. Tell your kids about it.