When I was pondering the Introduction to my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, it occurred to me that all I really needed to write was one sentence:  Be the person you want your child to be. Four pages later, that didn’t happen. But I still believe it.  Children need to be surrounded by adults who live by and model the character traits and values that matter most if you want them to absorb those values.

 Last week a news story rocked the world of major league baseball.  Armondo Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers pitched a perfect game…almost.  By so doing he would have joined the elite ranks of a very few ball players in the history of the game. It was quite a feat. But he didn’t get credit for it; his accomplishment got derailed by an umpire’s call.  Now here is the amazing part of the story.  After the game had ended, umpire Jim Joyce stepped out in public to say that the call he had made which destroyed the perfect game, was in fact, wrong.  It was a bad call.  He had made a mistake.  No excuses. Bad call. Wow!

 The sports world went wild.  It wasn’t fair!  Galarraga was robbed!  He should have had that perfect game.  Everyone had an opinion. Here’s mine:  Bravo!

 Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it brings disappointment or embarrassment;  sometimes it feels bad, hurts someone’s feelings (albeit unintentionally) or cause someone to suffer consequences;  sometimes you are villainized.  But in the end, you are left with the best feeling of all:  You did the right thing. That means you get to awaken with a clear conscience. You can look at yourself in the mirror and stand tall. With all that you risk in making the tough call—doing the right thing—the greatest reward is your positive, authentic sense of yourself.

Our world is chock full of glaring examples of people who have not made the right choice. From Bernie Madoff to Lindsay Lohan, sports heroes to politicians, coaches to clergymen, friends to family members. They are everywhere, and our children hear about them. 

 But how often to we and our children hear about someone who has done the right thing? How often do people step up and admit their mistakes, without any excuses? Not often enough.  How can we expect our children to step up when the models in their lives do not?

Making a mistake is how children learn not to make that mistake. Being able to own that mistake is an important part of the process, part of the learning and the growing.

 You may be furious at Jim Joyce for raining on Armando Galarraga’s parade. He didn’t get his perfect game.   But he is my hero. Tell your kids about it.

In response to my recent appearance on the Today Show  –  http://www.clicker.com/tv/today-show/Brat-proof-your-child-866570.html  in case you missed it! —  a  woman wrote to tell me I was off base. She said that children are naturally brats and are naturally selfish.

 While I would not be quick to countradict this mother  of 4 and grandmother of  11  who clearly has a lot of experience,  I  must say she is right and she is wrong.  She is correct: children are born selfish.  Infants and toddlers need to be selfish. That is, in fact, how they get their needs met.  They are responding to their own most basic of instincts – survival.   How else would we know to feed the child  if he didn’t cry out of hunger or relieve him from the discomfort of a soaked diaper?

 But as the child grows, it is the parents who help to modulate that selfishness. As he learns that other people with feelings, needs, desires exist, so does the child learn to delay gratification and begin to consider others.  And slowly the parent helps to move the child out of his perceived place in the center of the universe to take his rightful place along the side with everyone else. Selfishness begins to subside.

 But children are not born brats. No way, no how.  

 The whole point of my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12 Year Old Child, which is now available online and at bookstores everywhere, is how we keep our kids from becoming brats.  Children are not predisposed, not genetically nor biologically, to be brats.  They are born with the capacity to have all of those character traits that enable them to be competent, confident, terrific children and adults, satisfied and making their way in the world and able to handle what life throws their way…and not be brats!

 This journey does not happen without a parent’s hard work.  Inculcating your child with the values you want him to take with him into adulthood, making manifest the character traits (for which he has the capacity) that enable a child to stay on track, with maybe only an occasional wrong turn, is part of a parent’s job, a big part.  And it isn’t easy at all. 

 Every parent wants to see her child happy in the moment. “I spend so little time with him, I hate to spend it in a fight.”  Or “I just can’t stand to hear him cry. It breaks my heart.”  These confessions I hear all the time.  But I am talking about the long haul.   Too often pleasing your child in the moment means sabotaging his growing ability to take care of himself and make himself happy in the big picture.  Sometimes loving your child means not pleasing your child and tolerating his unhappiness.  Parenting to brat proof is about making the hard call. It is also about clear communication, expectations, and the trusting relationship you have with your child. None of this happens by accident.

 It is from parents and from experience that children learn how to be in the world, how to behave, and what is expected of them.  It is through practice on you that so much is learned.  As you well know, children save their worst behavior for the people whose love they trust the most…that’s you! So, unfortunately, likely you will see the brattiest of behaviors as your child figures out what works and what doesn’t.  It’s the experience he needs.   Actually, that’s the good news  because it gives you the opportunity to work on all those traits you want him to cultivate, the ones that must be caught and not just taught.

 Don’t you want to run out and buy my new book? I hope so…and tell your friends, too!