But is that enough? Are these yearly drives going to teach our kids the habit of giving and sharing? Will they actually make them care about other people, animals, the environment, the planet…? Who is going to take care of our neighbors and of our planet if we don’t teach our children to do it every day?

Children today associate holiday charity mainly with giving to the homeless, feeding the homeless, clothing the homeless.

During the holidays, we are bombarded with cries for help. Especially for people living in cities, the neediness of the homeless is inescapable. But, very young children are exposed to this harsh reality long before they can understand it. Many kids are frightened of people begging on the streets and it’s understandable. They’re seeing unfamiliar affects, mental states, and physical conditions coupled with foreign odors, all scary to young kids.

In an attempt to bring meaning to the message of charity, parents look for ways to help children understand, Who are the homeless? Well-intentioned parents bring their children to dish out food on Thanksgiving. This direct charity can be unsettling for a child donor though. And, think about the recipient. How does the adult man in need feel about a child giving him a handout? I wonder about his pride and self-respect. Perhaps the lesson to the child should take a back seat to the feelings of the needy.

Of course, homelessness is a very real and very prevalent problem.

Yes, it’s honorable to pass out turkey meals on Thanksgiving day. It’s wonderful to pack baskets of food to distribute to hungry people. But true charity, philanthropy, goes beyond the coins that get dropped in the bell ringer’s bucket at the holidays. True philanthropy involves effort and sacrifice. It is daily attitude and habit that encompasses thinking about, caring about, and sharing with others of all kinds, not just the homeless. And, this real philanthropy must be on our minds beyond Thanksgiving and beyond the homeless

When a play-date gets cancelled because a friend is ill, instead of assuaging your child with an ice cream, what about making a get well card for the friend? When you see your neighbor’s newspaper lying in the driveway, why not ask your child to take it to her front door? When a piece of trash litters your pathway, try picking it up.

Philanthropy can be a family activity. My colleague, Meredith Alexander, has created The Acme Sharing Company, countless ideas of other-oriented activities and projects for families to do together. What about making homemade dog biscuits to bring to the local pound? Not only are you focusing caring for homeless pups, but you are doing it together. What about the family spending an afternoon picking up trash off the beach? Who can find the most trash and save it from going into our precious ocean? Now there’s a strong message!

Experience has taught us that philanthropy is contagious. Children who grow up in families who volunteer, who invest their time, energy, and resources in causes dear to them will do the same as adults. The very definition of being a grown-up will include looking beyond one’s own needs. It is caring about the world beyond you in an active way. When I was growing up my mom was the president of my school’s PTA equivalent. Sure enough, I did the same when my own children were in elementary school. Time consuming? Energy? Effort? It’s just what you do.

When philanthropy is built into your life and by extension into your child’s it will become a habit of giving. Why wait for Thanksgiving? It’s for every day.

“You will not believe this story,” began the email from a client who had just returned from family services for the Jewish New Year.  She described the mother and three children sitting next to her own family. “She was knitting!”  (Yes, you read it correctly, knitting.)  “And when she was done knitting, she pulled out her Blackberry and began texting.”  I queried as to her guess of the ages of the children. Elementary and middle school, was her reply.

There really isn’t more I need to write here. You who are taking the time to read this blog know exactly how I feel and what I am going to say.

When I was writing the Introduction to my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I seriously considered having only a single sentence on the page:  Be the person you want your child to be.  We all want our children to be honest, respectful, self reliant, and manifest all the myriad character traits that put them in the position to have options and lead a satisfying life.  Can’t you hear the woman from temple lecturing her children about paying attention and showing respect and all the rest!

Being a parent is a job; it isn’t a birthright. It comes loaded with responsibilities (and yields tremendous pleasure.)  You might as well have signed the contract right after the doctor handed you that tiny newborn. I accept the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

After Love your child, number two on that list is Be your child’s teacher.  Seems obvious I know. But there are those who just don’t get it. There is the mom who insists on respectful talk and yells at the parking attendant… in front of her child. There is the perfectly healthy dad who preaches honesty and tells his colleague that he can’t make the appointment because he isn’t feeling well…in front of his child. You know the mom who demands that her child not use the word “stupid,” the one who screams out Stupid driver! to the car in front of her.  And we all know the dad who insists on his child’s full attention who himself can’t resist looking at his BlackBerry at dinner, during story time, or when he’s just walked into the house.

Children are the first to spot character and value hypocrisy. In fact, they learn by noticing consistency in the world.  Oh Daddy, you said the S word!  They look to you, their first teacher, for validation of what you have taught.  Every day in so many ways you have the chance to model your expectations for your children and bring the lesson home.

Remember this, your children will do what you do, not what you say.

Last week on the bike path at the beach, a family strolled by all dressed in saris and clothing native to India.  The warm, sunny day brought out people in all manner of beach and sports attire, but only this family was fully covered head to toe in brightly colored, diaphanous fabric, and they stood out. They were different, and I noticed.

Recently at lunch at a hip restaurant in town, I was seated next to a woman dressed very much like a man—crew cut hair, dark pleated slacks, white tailored dress shirt, vest.  She was different from the other diners, and I noticed.

Starting from an early age, children need to learn that different isn’t necessarily good or bad…it’s just different.  When a four year old sees a woman with an unusually big nose (or who is unusually tall or in a wheel chair or has waist length dreadlocks), she blurts out, “Mommy, look that lady’s big nose!”  She’s not accustomed to seeing noses that look like that. It’s different. And it draws her attention for that reason.  Your reaction is among the child’s first lessons about difference. “Yes, you’re right. That woman’s nose is bigger than you have seen. Do you notice how I am using a quiet voice to talk about it?  We don’t know how she feels about her nose, so we don’t want to hurt her feelings. We’ll talk about it when we leave the grocery store.” And later, “People have all different size noses, don’t they? But they’re people with  feelings just the same.”

Children who are raised in climates that model and require tolerance and acceptance of difference will carry that lesson wherever they go. They learn not to judge and measure based on adherence to the norm.  They learn that different is just different. Judgment shouldn’t have a role.

Children also learn the importance of kindness and caring for the feelings of others when difference is noted.  Your reaction certainly teaches that lesson. Something may seem different, even funny or odd or out of place, but that is only your feeling. Regardless of your perception, it isn’t acceptable to hurt someone else’s feelings.

All of the environments in which children live—home, school, sports fields,  karate and dance studios—impact our growing children’s attitudes and behaviors.  Their comfort level with difference and their response to it, their consideration of others, are shaped everywhere they go and by the people who share the space.  When a child hears a parent comment in disgust, “Will you look at her hair!” not only is judgment being modeled, but so is intolerance.  When the environments inhabited by children promote a culture of acceptance, so children will learn that difference is just a part of normal.

This blog is the second in a series being written in response to the trial of  Brandon McInerney, the teen  who is on trial for shooting Larry King, a fellow student who was a cross dresser.

 I have been hearing about this book since its release, but shame on me for not reading it until now. It is my loss. Don’t let it be yours.

 Of Thee I Sing, a beautifully, joyfully illustrated book, will drop you to your knees. Each pair of pages proclaims a trait that Obama admires in his girls. “Have I told you that you are creative?” he declares on one page. And on the facing page there is a simple, elegant reference to a great American.  Paired with creativity, for example, is Georgia O’Keeffe. The writing is rich and stark, poetic and simply descriptive and delicious, and rolls off your tongue.  This book is educational and emotional, said this author who was in tears at its conclusion.

 Each of the Americans he portrays is someone about whom your children must know. Each has made a profound contribution to society as we know it today. And each embodies a quality we all want to cultivate in our children.

 As you must know, having read many of my blogs, I am a promoter of families and family life. It is the family that has the deepest and most lasting impact on children. And so I see the family meal (breakfast, lunch, or dinner) as being the ideal vehicle for presenting Of Thee I Sing. Each trait paired with  an American is perfect for starting a family discussion, regardless of the age of the people seated at the table. Everyone will be able to relate on his own level. 

I once learned that Joe Kennedy, or maybe it was Rose, used to bring an article from the Times to their dinner table each night for discussion among the Kennedy children. While that might be a “high fallutin’ ” approach, the idea is good one. It is through the banter of meal times that children absorb their parents’ beliefs and values. It is during family meal conversations, when each member has the floor, that children feel their opinions and ideas matter. 

 In the coming year, in addition to making family meals happen, why not make the most of them?  Let Of Thee I Sing be the icing on your cake.

There really isn’t more I need to write here. You who are taking the time to read this blog know exactly how I feel and what I am going to say.

When I was writing the Introduction to my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I seriously considered having only a single sentence on the page: Be the person you want your child to be. We all want our children to be honest, respectful, self reliant, and manifest all the myriad character traits that put them in the position to have options and lead a satisfying life. Can’t you hear the woman from temple lecturing her children about paying attention and showing respect and all the rest!

Being a parent is a job; it isn’t a birthright. It comes loaded with responsibilities (and yields tremendous pleasure.) You might as well have signed the contract right after the doctor handed you that tiny newborn: I accept the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

After Love your child, number two on that list is Be your child’s teacher. Seems obvious, I know. But there are those who just don’t get it. There is the mom who insists on respectful talk and yells at the parking attendant… in front of her child. There is the perfectly healthy dad who preaches honesty and tells his colleague that he can’t make the appointment because he isn’t feeling well…in front of his child. You know the mom who demands that her child not use the word “stupid,” the one who screams out “Stupid driver!” to the car in front of her. And we all know the dad who insists on his child’s full attention who himself can’t resist looking at his BlackBerry at the dinner table, during story time, or when he’s just walked into the house.

Children are the first to spot character and value hypocrisy. In fact, their learning is cemented by noticing consistency in the world. Oh Daddy, you said the S word! They look to you, their first teacher, for validation of what you have taught. Every day in so many ways you have the chance to model your expectations for your children and bring the lesson home.

Remember this, your children will do what you do, not what you say.

 Last week a news story rocked the world of major league baseball.  Armondo Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers pitched a perfect game…almost.  By so doing he would have joined the elite ranks of a very few ball players in the history of the game. It was quite a feat. But he didn’t get credit for it; his accomplishment got derailed by an umpire’s call.  Now here is the amazing part of the story.  After the game had ended, umpire Jim Joyce stepped out in public to say that the call he had made which destroyed the perfect game, was in fact, wrong.  It was a bad call.  He had made a mistake.  No excuses. Bad call. Wow!

 The sports world went wild.  It wasn’t fair!  Galarraga was robbed!  He should have had that perfect game.  Everyone had an opinion. Here’s mine:  Bravo!

 Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it brings disappointment or embarrassment;  sometimes it feels bad, hurts someone’s feelings (albeit unintentionally) or cause someone to suffer consequences;  sometimes you are villainized.  But in the end, you are left with the best feeling of all:  You did the right thing. That means you get to awaken with a clear conscience. You can look at yourself in the mirror and stand tall. With all that you risk in making the tough call—doing the right thing—the greatest reward is your positive, authentic sense of yourself.

Our world is chock full of glaring examples of people who have not made the right choice. From Bernie Madoff to Lindsay Lohan, sports heroes to politicians, coaches to clergymen, friends to family members. They are everywhere, and our children hear about them. 

 But how often to we and our children hear about someone who has done the right thing? How often do people step up and admit their mistakes, without any excuses? Not often enough.  How can we expect our children to step up when the models in their lives do not?

Making a mistake is how children learn not to make that mistake. Being able to own that mistake is an important part of the process, part of the learning and the growing.

 You may be furious at Jim Joyce for raining on Armando Galarraga’s parade. He didn’t get his perfect game.   But he is my hero. Tell your kids about it.

Lousy local conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. The child who has missed a nap or a meal, who went to sleep late or woke up too early, who has been dragged on too many errands, who has attended one birthday party too many, who had a bad day at school, a fight with a friend, will reflect those lousy local conditions in his behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two-year-old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her coffee-table china tea set. Your seven year old is not likely to treat his sibling with kindness when his best friend excluded him at recess.  The child’s environment sabotages his ability to behave in the way you expect.

When your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or meltdown, when he is unusually uncooperative or just plain icky, it can easily be the result of lousy local conditions.  Often taking a guess, laced heavily with empathy, goes a long way with an older child. With the younger child, you may just need to get through it and plan better next time.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points regardless of his age, will certainly help in avoiding meltdowns, tantrums, and icky behavior. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children are affected different lousy local conditions.

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. This, coupled with acknowledging the lousy local conditions, will make your days together a little brighter.

While I would not be quick to countradict this mother  of 4 and grandmother of  11  who clearly has a lot of experience,  I  must say she is right and she is wrong.  She is correct: children are born selfish.  Infants and toddlers need to be selfish. That is, in fact, how they get their needs met.  They are responding to their own most basic of instincts – survival.   How else would we know to feed the child  if he didn’t cry out of hunger or relieve him from the discomfort of a soaked diaper?

But as the child grows, it is the parents who help to modulate that selfishness. As he learns that other people with feelings, needs, desires exist, so does the child learn to delay gratification and begin to consider others.  And slowly the parent helps to move the child out of his perceived place in the center of the universe to take his rightful place along the side with everyone else. Selfishness begins to subside.

But children are not born brats. No way, no how.

The whole point of my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12 Year Old Child, which is now available online and at bookstores everywhere, is how we keep our kids from becoming brats.  Children are not predisposed, not genetically nor biologically, to be brats.  They are born with the capacity to have all of those character traits that enable them to be competent, confident, terrific children and adults, satisfied and making their way in the world and able to handle what life throws their way…and not be brats!

This journey does not happen without a parent’s hard work.  Inculcating your child with the values you want him to take with him into adulthood, making manifest the character traits (for which he has the capacity) that enable a child to stay on track, with maybe only an occasional wrong turn, is part of a parent’s job, a big part.  And it isn’t easy at all.

Every parent wants to see her child happy in the moment. “I spend so little time with him, I hate to spend it in a fight.”  Or “I just can’t stand to hear him cry. It breaks my heart.”  These confessions I hear all the time.  But I am talking about the long haul.   Too often pleasing your child in the moment means sabotaging his growing ability to take care of himself and make himself happy in the big picture.  Sometimes loving your child means not pleasing your child and tolerating his unhappiness.  Parenting to brat proof is about making the hard call. It is also about clear communication, expectations, and the trusting relationship you have with your child. None of this happens by accident.

It is from parents and from experience that children learn how to be in the world, how to behave, and what is expected of them.  It is through practice on you that so much is learned.  As you well know, children save their worst behavior for the people whose love they trust the most…that’s you! So, unfortunately, likely you will see the brattiest of behaviors as your child figures out what works and what doesn’t.  It’s the experience he needs.   Actually, that’s the good news  because it gives you the opportunity to work on all those traits you want him to cultivate, the ones that must be caught and not just taught.

Don’t you want to run out and buy my new book? I hope so…and tell your friends, too!

Is that enough?  As I have read the countless stories about Julia, and as I recall the eulogies for this child who died too young, I am struck by how glorified people become in death. Julia was an incredible gem of a young woman, adored and appreciated by all whose lives she touched.  When someone dies we especially miss all her glory and goodness. But why do we wait until death to talk about it, to tell her,  to shout it to the world?

 Is it enough to hug your child and tell her you love her?  Every day we are given opportunities to tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what we appreciate about them, what we admire. 

 You are such an empathetic person, Emily.  I heard the way you spoke to your friend just now, and I so admire how you supported her as she struggled with that problem she is having with her mom.

 I am blown away by your ball handling, Micah. I watched you out on the court and I can’t get over  how skilled you are and how far you have come. All the practicing you ‘ve done is so obvious.

 Have I ever told you, Hannah, that wherever I go, people stop me to tell me how much they enjoy your enthusiasm and sense of humor.  You just bring a light to wherever you go. I so love that about you.

 Our kids love to hear the good stuff. (Actually, all people do.)  Yes, it might embarrass her, but I promise you she loves it and she’s taking it in.  Today is the day, every day is the day, to say one of the things you would say in a eulogy. Be specific, tell your child what you love and admire about her, a quality, an attribute at a time.  Not only does it feed the well of her sense of self, but it motivates more of the same good stuff.  Not only does it counterbalance the reminders and nagging that often dominate a parent’s communication with her child, but it makes you the parent feel really good, too.  Don’t wait.  Tell her.

While I suggest that you have a look at chapter 11 (Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House?” Answering questinos about Natural Disasters, Terrorism, and War) in my book,  Just Tell me What to Say, I offer a few pointers in the meantime.

Of course it is wholly up to you whether and what you tell your children about the earthquake. But remember, young children will personalize this terrible news. For children under the age of six the news is likely to raise anxiety and fear in them, worrying that such a disaster might strike here…them. And be careful to protect tyoung children from the constant media coverage. The repetitive nature of the news makes events seem even bigger and scarier.

Older children no doubt have already been exposed to this news. But even for them, I offer the following tips:

• Take care of your own feelings first. You will surely leak, and you don’t want to add your own pain and saddness if it is extreme, to theirs.
• Don’t whisper!  The moment you do so, or use “pig Latin,” your child’s ears perk right up.
• Don’t avoid questions. Not answering questions gives a strong message about the taboo nature of the topic.
• Find out what your child knows already. Doing so enables you to correct misinformation and give the facts in an age appropriate way.
• Be honest and give accurate information. Just answer the question. Better he hears it from you or from someone else.
• Listen for the question beneath the question. Of ten there is something else brewing that is a source of anxiety unexpressed.
• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings. Resist the urge to say “Don’t worry.” or “Don’t be sad.” First of all, it doesn’t work. But more your child’s feelings are real and deserve your respect.
• Share your own feelings to the appropriate degree. You don’t want to compound your child’s worries.
• Remind your child that your job and that of all adults is to keep children safe. Talk with him about the difference in preparedness, safety precautions, and building regulations  in the U.S. vs Haiti.
• Talk about the ways you are going to help. It always feel better when you are proactive. Help your child to find ways, along with you, to provide aid and show compassion.

Most schools,  houses of worship, and public agencies already have help opportunities in place, from where to take extra shoes to donating money and other supplies. Children are creating drives to raise money and are finding their own creative ways of being charitable. Don’t wait! 

As horrible as the earthquake in Haiti is, it is an opportunity to teach compassion and empathy  as well as to model charity in action.