But the characteristic low lights and calm of the Oak Room were punctured by the incessant whining of a four year old boy.  “I haaaaate that salad.”  Groan…there went my respite.

 I am not sure when it became acceptable to take young children to restaurants,  I am sure that it has become more and more common.  Children of all ages–infants and toddlers, antsy first graders and even sour fifth graders–have become part of the adult restaurant landscape…complete with the ants in their pants, their complaints about there not being the right kind of pizza, and the whining about it taking toooo long.

 It might be true that your child is perfectly well behaved in restaurants of all kinds, that he has developed a mature palate from eating so much sushi, that he has the patience of an adult…but your child is the exception. 

 Restaurants can be the epitome of  lousy local conditions for children of all ages. The behavioral expectations of the restaurant setting are often a reach for them:  sit still; do not get out of your seat; keep you voice down; don’t play with the condiments or silverware; don’t bother your brother; don’t use your fingers; put your napkin on your lap.  The food at restaurants challenges the typical child’s palate:  “I only eat blue box macaroni and cheese!”  “Don’t let the foods touch!” “It doesn’t taste good!”  “I only like the other nuggets!”  “I changed my mind, I don’t want that!”    And the timing is off: children are accustomed to fast food, that is, “Go-wash-your- hands- your-dinner-is-ready” fast. No ordering and waiting.  And they like to eat at their regular meal time.

 More often than not, children are set up for failure in a restaurant. It is, simply stated, not the way they are accustomed to having meals. And children like it the way they like it.

 Then there is everyone else. While I promise you I love your children (and I really do genuinely love children), there is a place, time, and extent to my love.  When adults go out to dine, their anticipated experience includes the adult ambiance of the restaurant.  If they wanted to dine with children, they would likely go to Chucky Cheese.

 In deciding whether to bring or not to bring your child to the restaurant, ask yourself whose needs are being met.  Are you setting your child up to be successful?  Will it be a happy, stress free time for all of you? Will anyone else’s dining experience be affected by your child’s presence? 

 Sometimes tuna fish sandwiches with a side of macaroni and cheese are a much better choice for everyone.

 With some formal events, it is very clear that children are invited. Often in these cases, accommodations are made for the kids—age appropriate activities, supervision just for the children, food intended for the children (that the adults often love!)  In these cases, the hosts’ plan is for the children to attend.

(And sometimes no matter what is planned for the children—games, play sitters, DVD’s—not every child is going to submit to the “play plan.” The visiting guest has to be prepared with a Plan B to make sure the host or  honoree/bridal couple will not be disturbed in anyway if your little angel turns into Godzilla for the evening.)

 But sometimes it is not so clear that it’s okay for children to attend.

I know that your baby/child/tween is really a great kid. I know that he is well behaved and that you are sure the rest of the guests won’t even know he is there. I know he is used to going everywhere with you, and that he likes being with grown-ups.  I know that your child would really love being there, that it might be a fabulous experience for him.  But bringing a child to a formal event just may not be about your child. It might be in consideration of everyone else. And as disappointing as it might be, one of life’s lessons is that sometimes children cannot be included.

 While there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, to bring or not to bring, there are some considerations which might help you make your decision.

 1.    Consider the host and the honorees.  Was your child’s name on the save-the-date card? On the invitation? That’s a dead giveaway! If it is not, you can assume it is an adults-only event. But if you are still not sure, ASK; do not assume.  Even if your child is an infant, ask.  Truth be told, infants, though the easiest to transport, are often the most unpredictable and can be highly disruptive to services and celebrations. And even the precious voice of a better behaved four year old asking questions can ruin a wedding vow!

 2.     Consider the child.  What is your child like? What is his temperament when he is away from home? How is he in strange places (with hoards of people)? How adaptable is he? How patient? How needy? In most cases, children are not happy at these kinds of events, the ones not intended for children. It’s not fun for them (and especially if none of his friends are in attendance.) It might start out being exciting, but it wears off fast. Just as your feet ache in your heels after the second hour, he has had it with the bow tie pretty quickly.

 Black tie events can be the epitome of “lousy local conditions.”  The mini tuxedo/ the scratch party dress, the knee high view of most of the guests, the deafeningly loud band music, the food –Eeewwww! I hate salmon—served at 10 p.m…all make for a less than child-friendly environment.  Are you setting your child up for failure?

 Even if your six year old son has a special relationship with his favorite baby sitter who is getting married, weddings are different than one-on-one sitter nights.  He imagines spending the night with his best gal, but they won’t be playing Checkers on the dance floor. He won’t be happy.

  3.     How will it be for you?  Often the child, feeling out of place, will cling and expect to be entertained by you. Will that be fun for you? Will you be able to celebrate in the way you like? Dance with your partner? Have relaxed glass of wine as you chat with friends?  Parents forget to consider that you don’t get to “party hearty” when your child is present. And which one of you will take him home when he collapses before the first toast?

 Having carefully considered all the variables, there are always compromises that can work—ceremony-only attendance, hiring a sitter to whisk the child away after the first Shirely Temple, etc…,as long as it’s sanctioned by the hosts.  And there are events at which children are both invited and welcome.  But it is a parent’s job to be considerate of the hosts’ needs and desires, not placing them in an awkward position. After all, it is their special occasion and the memory ought not be tainted by tales of the tantrumming 3 year old or the sulky 7 year old.

 Kids get angry at their parents for all kinds of reasons. Mainly they get angry when they are in some way thwarted—when they don’t get what they want. But it also happens when they have to do something they don’t want  to do, when they are disappointed, when they are in the midst of lousy local conditions, and when they are just plain crabby.  And the expression of that anger can look pretty nasty.

 But do you really think your child hates you? Do you think he means it when he says he wishes he had a different father and that he wants to live at Jeremy’s house where he can use the computer whenever he wants?  Well, truth be told, maybe he does, just for that split second. Anger will do that to a person, stir up some fighting words, some hurtful sentiments. But he doesn’t really mean it.

 A child’s anger is not about you. It feels that way when a jet stream of vitriol intended just for you fills the hallway airspace. But it isn’t. So don’t take it personally.  Absorbing your child’s anger and making it about you, will only exacerbate the issue. “Don’t you dare talk to me that way, young man.”  Young child needs to be able to express himself and all his big feelings. Yes, he does need to learn about respect. Yes, he does need to know that words can hurt as much as fists. And he will learn both in time … but not in the heat of that moment.

 Later, when the feeling has long since passed is when you do your revisit.  “You were really angry when I wouldn’t let you use the computer. You said some really powerful stuff. I love you even when you are angry and say you hate me. And when I ask you to turn off the computer, I expect you to turn it off.” State it clearly and without feeling. Children need to know that their parents will not crumble when they use their angry words.  You know they reserve they most powerful stuff for you, the person whose love they trust the most.  Remember, it isn’t about you. When you turn it into a finger wagging lecture about respecting you, the lesson about turning off the computer is lost. Further, he will have one more reason to “hate” you. If his words don’t work and don’t have power, they will not be useful to him.

 And you thought raising children would be easy!

Lousy local conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. The child who has missed a nap or a meal, who went to sleep late or woke up too early, who has been dragged on too many errands, who has attended one birthday party too many, who had a bad day at school, a fight with a friend, will reflect those lousy local conditions in his behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two-year-old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her coffee-table china tea set. Your seven year old is not likely to treat his sibling with kindness when his best friend excluded him at recess.  The child’s environment sabotages his ability to behave in the way you expect.

When your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or meltdown, when he is unusually uncooperative or just plain icky, it can easily be the result of lousy local conditions.  Often taking a guess, laced heavily with empathy, goes a long way with an older child. With the younger child, you may just need to get through it and plan better next time.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points regardless of his age, will certainly help in avoiding meltdowns, tantrums, and icky behavior. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children are affected different lousy local conditions.

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. This, coupled with acknowledging the lousy local conditions, will make your days together a little brighter.

 While I would not be quick to countradict this mother  of 4 and grandmother of  11  who clearly has a lot of experience,  I  must say she is right and she is wrong.  She is correct: children are born selfish.  Infants and toddlers need to be selfish. That is, in fact, how they get their needs met.  They are responding to their own most basic of instincts – survival.   How else would we know to feed the child  if he didn’t cry out of hunger or relieve him from the discomfort of a soaked diaper?

 But as the child grows, it is the parents who help to modulate that selfishness. As he learns that other people with feelings, needs, desires exist, so does the child learn to delay gratification and begin to consider others.  And slowly the parent helps to move the child out of his perceived place in the center of the universe to take his rightful place along the side with everyone else. Selfishness begins to subside.

 But children are not born brats. No way, no how.  

 The whole point of my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12 Year Old Child, which is now available online and at bookstores everywhere, is how we keep our kids from becoming brats.  Children are not predisposed, not genetically nor biologically, to be brats.  They are born with the capacity to have all of those character traits that enable them to be competent, confident, terrific children and adults, satisfied and making their way in the world and able to handle what life throws their way…and not be brats!

 This journey does not happen without a parent’s hard work.  Inculcating your child with the values you want him to take with him into adulthood, making manifest the character traits (for which he has the capacity) that enable a child to stay on track, with maybe only an occasional wrong turn, is part of a parent’s job, a big part.  And it isn’t easy at all. 

 Every parent wants to see her child happy in the moment. “I spend so little time with him, I hate to spend it in a fight.”  Or “I just can’t stand to hear him cry. It breaks my heart.”  These confessions I hear all the time.  But I am talking about the long haul.   Too often pleasing your child in the moment means sabotaging his growing ability to take care of himself and make himself happy in the big picture.  Sometimes loving your child means not pleasing your child and tolerating his unhappiness.  Parenting to brat proof is about making the hard call. It is also about clear communication, expectations, and the trusting relationship you have with your child. None of this happens by accident.

 It is from parents and from experience that children learn how to be in the world, how to behave, and what is expected of them.  It is through practice on you that so much is learned.  As you well know, children save their worst behavior for the people whose love they trust the most…that’s you! So, unfortunately, likely you will see the brattiest of behaviors as your child figures out what works and what doesn’t.  It’s the experience he needs.   Actually, that’s the good news  because it gives you the opportunity to work on all those traits you want him to cultivate, the ones that must be caught and not just taught.

 Don’t you want to run out and buy my new book? I hope so…and tell your friends, too!

Being able to delay gratification is directly related to other positive and critical traits, like impulse control, self discipline, and persistence.  It’s a biggie, in other words.

Not being able to delay gratification looks different on children of different ages. It can be not being able to wait for his cookie to the toddler.  It can be pushing to be first in line or not being able to wait his turn to the preschooler. It can be giving up on a difficult homework problem when Mom doesn’t run right in to help the second grader.  It can be following right along with the bad ideas of the risky friend of the ten year old.  The older the child, the more far reaching the effect of not being able to delay gratification or control his impulses. In the longer term, the child who is challenged by delaying gratification has a hard time staying the course, following rules, and just following through.

In the 1960’s  a Stanford University researcher, Michael Mischel, conducted a now famous study, The Stanford Marshmallow Study. In it he offered four year olds a marshmallow. He told the child that if he could wait until  he, the experimenter, returned before eating the marshmallow, he could have not one but two marshmallows.  Each child was filmed to record who couldn’t wait at all, who waited a little, and who waited the whole time for the experimenter to return.  The results divided 1/3, 1/3, and 1/3.  The interesting part of the study was in Mischel’s follow up, years later. 

 Among the many findings was that children who were able to delay gratification at four years old, seemed to have an easier time growing up all around, subordinating impulses, achieving long term goals, etc.. (You can google this study to see for yourself!)

Seems like starting out early to help you child to delay gratification is a good idea, right? How do you do that?  Learning to delay gratification is just that, learning. It is accustoming your child, slowly, bit by bit, to learn to wait, to cultivate some patience.  It can happen, but it takes time, effort, and patience on your part.  You may have to tolerate a whole lot of screaming at first!

 When there are two doting parents, a nanny,  and 4 doting grandparents just waiting to meet the child’s every need, I can promise you, your child will not learn to delay gratification. So, for starters, call off the troops!

 When your child asks for juice, don’t be so quick to run and get it for him. Say, “Sure. In just a moment I will get your juice. I need to finish this page and then I will.” When your child screams for you to come to his room, explain that you will be there in a few moments. When he insists that you go to the store to find the Lego piece he cannot live without, postpone your trip until the weekend.  In other words, start by forcing yourself to wait, and always build in some delay to your response time.  And certainly remember to praise the child’s ability to wait and be patient as you see he is beginning to get it.

 Now that it is on your mind, I have the feeling you will catch yourself supporting or undermining your child’s ability to climb that most important peak, learning to delay gratification. The time is now.

Most parents know that they are fighting a losing battle if they are too orthodox about their restrictions.  Never allow your child sugar, and he will begin to crave it or sneak it. Never allow your child even to pretend that his Tinker Toy is a gun, and everything will become a gun (including graham crackers chewed into just the right shape!).

 But what happens when allowing your child to do the very thing you have restricted compromises your values?  Video games are a case in point.  There are parents, many in my practice, who have done a yeoman’s job of keeping screen time out of their children’s growing years, knowing that children thrive on interactive, creative play and social activities. Now they are faced with their child being “the only one of his friends who doesn’t have video games.”  This is a real tough one.  I assure you that there is no perfect, one-size-fits-all answer to this dilemma.

 If you are a parent who has managed to keep X Box, DS, Wii and the like out of your child’s life, I applaud you!  There is absolutely no reason that is good enough to have such entertainment in your child’s life before he is elementary school age. That said, I am not sure how long it will last or should last. A big part of growing up and developing social intelligence has to do with fitting in, speaking the language of peers. For most kids that is somewhere around 7 or 8 years old.

 When my children were in 4^th or 5^th grade, and I had successfully kept network television out of their lives, they complained that they were the only ones on the lunch benches who didn’t watch The Cosby Show. They felt out-of-it and couldn’t participate in the Friday reviews of the Thursday night show. “Well,” I said, “then let’s figure out how to make this work for you.”  And after homework and chores, Bill Cosby and his television family became part of our family once a week.

 Deciding if you should let video games into your child’s life (and yours by extension) has to do with several things, specific questions you need to consider about your child and yourself.

 About your child:

•  Is he able to entertain himself?
• Does he get his homework and chores done without much urging?
• Is he able to follow family rules?
• Does he try to negotiate his way out of limits?
• Does he tend to become an addict?
• What will not having video games mean for him?

 About you:

• Are you able to set parameters and limits around various privileges?
• Are you able to withstand your child’s budding debate and negotiation skills?
• Can you tolerate his complaining and whining?
• Can you create reasonable, appropriate, and therefore effective consequences?
• Are you able to follow through on those consequences for limit infractions?
• Do you know why video games are an issue for you?
• Is this really about your child, or is it about you?

  You need to consider carefully what having and not having video games in your child’s life will mean for your child and for your whole family.

 I believe in most things in moderation.  When the time comes to introduce into your child’s life something that has previously been withheld, think about taking very, very small bites. It is kind of like introducing new foods to an infant. Then watch how your child handles it, how it affects him and the family.  If the use or non-use takes over his life and yours, then likely your child is not ready.  Modulating is a skill that grows over time.

 There is one bit of reassurance I will share. Your children will pick up your true values and beliefs regardless of the extent to which you allow things such as TV, video games, war toys into his life.  Your child watches you, notices your facial expressions, hears you talk to others. Your messages are being transmitted and received all the time. Your discussions around the dinner table, in the car, at tuck time communicate your values, and your child is taking it in. He may not be able to agree with you; his is job is to fight you like the dickens, as he becomes an individual. But he gets it.   You may not see the result now, but when he is a father, you will see it and smile!

“Doing nothing” is not that at all. Experts tell us that unstructured time is vital for children’s development cognitively, emotionally, physically, and even socially. Peter Sheras, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia, says “Children need [unstructured time] to recuperate from the more structured part of their day and to just veg out.”  The chance to recharge their batteries that unstructured time allows is a crucial part of child development.  “When children amuse themselves, they’re actually exercising a different part of their brain than when they’re engaged in an organized activity, “ says Dan Rees, PhD at Western Maryland College. “They grow emotionally and intellectually; kids who have ample opportunity to make up their own rules and fantasies are cognitively way ahead of those whose time is always structured.”

Children need time to process and practice what they learn during the structured times, formal activities, even the socializing of their day.  They need time to use creatively the new skills they learn from teachers, coaches, and friends.  They need space and time to try out that which they simply observe others doing. It’s kind of like microwave cooking.  After something cooks in the microwave, it has a “standing time.”  The learning goes on and on, long after the direct instruction time.  When we have our children’s days completely programmed, either with extracurricular classes or with parent-generated activities, when is the standing time?

Children’s days need “unplanning.” Our children have become so reliant on others for stimulation, they don’t know how to entertain themselves.  Doing nothing encourages children to be resourceful. Some parents fear that children, left to their own devices, will become bored. Some parents feel that any activity that doesn’t seem to lead in some measurable way to advancement or direct results is not a good use of time. So, in their zeal to give their child every opportunity to learn, they are robbing them of something much more valuable, the growth that comes from doing nothing.

Maybe it’s time to get busy doing nothing.

 Why on earth does anyone want her toddler (or infant) to read?

 Then I saw in the newspaper today that Docia Zavitkovsky had died.  Docia, a matriarch in our field, dedicated her entire 96 year life to young children, to raising consciousness about the importance of our children’s early years as the foundation for a rich and satisfying life. She was the founding mother of Play Matters, a nonprofit organization that places play at the heart of early childhood. What would Docia have said about this advertisement? I shudder to think.

 I am not sure which part of the radio advertisement bothers me the most…that parents are pushing their children in the exact wrong direction? That parents are so competitive in today’s world that they are taking desperate measures to give their children a perceived advantage that can actually be a disadvantage?  That merchants and advertisers are taking advantage of naive parents, making money off of them? It all bothers me.

It reminds me of Baby Einstein. The inventor made a fortune off of all those parents who were convinced that pouring images into their infants and toddlers via a screen would actually make them smart. Have you all thrown out those DVD’s yet…or better, asked for a refund?

 How do you grow a child?  Our very youngest children are nourished by interacting with people and with their environment. They learn and grow by feeding the right hemisphere of their brains with sensory and emotional and social experiences, through interacting with all that they encounter in their world. Learning in the early months and years of life is about play, exploration, trial and error.  It is priming the pump, laying the foundation for learning to read and other left brain experiences at the right time, and that is much later. How interesting it is that you can teach a toddler to recognize a word by repeated (boring) exposures to that word, over and over and over. But show him that word when he is six years old, and he’ll have in a minute or two.  And to top it off, he’ll even know what the word means!

 Would it be too evil of me to cross my fingers that Baby Can Read is a total flop? I pray, for Docia’s sake, that not one more DVD is sold.

 To your kids, the back seat of a car is home sweet home. Just like they misbehave more, when they are at home, so do they squabble more  in the car. ..when you are there!  I am quite sure that your fellow carpool driver never complains that your child bickers with the other kids when she drives. Siblings fight in the car because it is just like home. In the familiar setting, the one in which the child is the most comfortable, in which he is sure of your love, he will practice his worst behavior. Your car is no different.

 And in the car you, dear parent, are a captive audience. What your child wants most of all is your attention…negative or positive. Truth be told, he is sure to get your attention when he bugs his brother.  Add to that the close quarters of the car and you have a perfect battlefield – all the ingredients for backseat bickering.

 Here are a few tips for lessening the backseat bickering:

•  Don’t be an audience. When at all possible, ignore your children’s car fights. Even one comment, one threat, one sigh, or one eye roll count as your attention.  Ignore! Ignore!  Ignore!
• Ignore the fighting, not the children. When in the car pay animated and interested attention to the children when they are not fighting. They’ll get the message.
• The issue is the noise, not the fight.  Be clear about it: “In order for me to drive safely, you need to use quieter voices in the car. I need to be able to concentrate on my driving.”  
• Accept no tattling.  Do not receive any complaints about who did what to whom or who did it first. No blaming. Pay attention only to the elevated noise that undermines you being a safe driver. “Your fighting is not my business. Your loud voices, however, are a distraction. I cannot drive safely when you are so noisy. It needs to stop now.”
• Be consistent in your reactions. You need to react in the same way every time it happens,  if you expect your children to learn you mean business. You can’t tolerate the bickering noise one day and blow your top the next.
• If the noise of the bickering is driving you nuts:  Pull over to the side of the road. Get out of the car and open the back door. Without anger but with utter seriousness say to your children, “I cannot drive safely when you are making so much noise. It needs to stop now.” Hopefully, they will be shocked enough to stop.
• If the bickering persists:  Pull over one more time. Get out of the car, once more open the back door and say, “I will not drive this car until the noisy fighting stops.”  Then step away from the car, still within full view of the kids, and busy yourself. Clean out your wallet, work on your Blackberry, read old grocery receipts… but ignore the kids. Give it a few minutes, and when things have settled down, get back in and continue on your way. No comments. They will get your message loud and clear.
• If your car has a third row, you have the option of moving a child’s seat.  When two children are unable to sit peacefully next to one another, they lose the privilege of doing so. Move one booster or car seat to the back, or assign one child a new seat. Ignore the complaints.
• Tell them, “Sit on your hands.” This is a crazy cure, but it is distracting enough that it works.  Before all heck breaks loose, as you sense things deteriorating, tell you children to “Sit on your hands.”  It’s so silly and takes so much effort that it stops the fighting action.