“Coach Accused of Punching Son”  The headline in the LA Times caught my eye.  A youth baseball coach is facing a simple assault charge for punching his 9 year old son in the face after the boy was ejected from a game.  Are they kidding? I read it again.  [Coach’s name] of suburban Harrisburg was charged after he allegedly struck his son twice with a closed fist…  I read it one more time to make sure I was reading it correctly. Yep, that’s what it said alright.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

“You’re the meanest mommy in the whole world!” the seven year old screams at her mother, as she stomps down the hall to her room, punctuating the scene with a crashing door slam.  There’s not much that’s good about that scene, except that it is well within the range of normal behavior. You may not like it, but it is what most kids do at some times.

 Kids get angry at their parents for all kinds of reasons. Mainly they get angry when they are in some way thwarted—when they don’t get what they want. But it also happens when they have to do something they don’t want  to do, when they are disappointed, when they are in the midst of lousy local conditions, and when they are just plain crabby.  And the expression of that anger can look pretty nasty.

 But do you really think your child hates you? Do you think he means it when he says he wishes he had a different father and that he wants to live at Jeremy’s house where he can use the computer whenever he wants?  Well, truth be told, maybe he does, just for that split second. Anger will do that to a person, stir up some fighting words, some hurtful sentiments. But he doesn’t really mean it.

 A child’s anger is not about you. It feels that way when a jet stream of vitriol intended just for you fills the hallway airspace. But it isn’t. So don’t take it personally.  Absorbing your child’s anger and making it about you, will only exacerbate the issue. “Don’t you dare talk to me that way, young man.”  Young child needs to be able to express himself and all his big feelings. Yes, he does need to learn about respect. Yes, he does need to know that words can hurt as much as fists. And he will learn both in time … but not in the heat of that moment.

 Later, when the feeling has long since passed is when you do your revisit.  “You were really angry when I wouldn’t let you use the computer. You said some really powerful stuff. I love you even when you are angry and say you hate me. And when I ask you to turn off the computer, I expect you to turn it off.” State it clearly and without feeling. Children need to know that their parents will not crumble when they use their angry words.  You know they reserve they most powerful stuff for you, the person whose love they trust the most.  Remember, it isn’t about you. When you turn it into a finger wagging lecture about respecting you, the lesson about turning off the computer is lost. Further, he will have one more reason to “hate” you. If his words don’t work and don’t have power, they will not be useful to him.

 And you thought raising children would be easy!

A Mother’s Day blog should be  meaningful, perhaps profound,  poignant, maybe a little sappy, and really chock full of platitudes about the importance of mothers.  It should be, but I am on a different journey.

 I was sitting in Disney Hall, watching the dynamic Gustavo Dudamel and listening to the brilliant Los Angeles Philharmonic with my dear friend, Freida Mock. I sat there thinking how angry I am that music education has been cut from public schools and how important it is that children be exposed to music of all kinds at the earliest age.  Exposure to music not only enriches our lives and speak to our souls, but education and experience with music actually affects a child’s neural development. Music is good for you!

 Freida feels as strongly about music and all the arts as I do. But her life is the arts; she is a documentary film maker. We were first friends because our kids went to nursery school together, trick-or-treated together, celebrated  birthdays together, shared vacations at Red Fish Lake together.

 Freida is a wonderful mother, but film is her life. Her family has traveled the world (literally), shooting films of all kinds in the most remote places. Their holiday cards each year have told the tale, the whole family in the most unexpected places, making movies.

 It should come as no surprise that Freida and Terry’s kids are both artists. In particular, Jessica is a film maker.  Stop right now and give yourself a treat. Follow this link and watch the incredible short film clip Jessica made for Sony.  http://www.jessicasandersfilm.com/sony_trailer.html   It will knock your socks off.

 What does this have to do with Mother’s Day, you ask?  Every time I watch Jessica’s film, I cry. It hits me in the mother place. Jessica is on her way to stardom because Freida followed her own passion. Jessica grew up absorbing her mother’s passion for film making.

 We mothers are told that we need to help our children find their passion. We are supposed to expose them to much so a flame will be ignited somewhere within them. Sure Jessica took ballet and played soccer. But she lived with her mother whose life was film, and that passion was caught. And now her pilot light has burst into full flame.

 How important it is that while we are busy being mothers—driving carpools, making lunches, cheering at  Little League,  and kissing boo boos– we must not lose our own passion.  While your children may not become film makers, they are witness to your passions, to your devotion to your own interests. 

 Mothers wear many hats, each of which looks good on them. While on Mother’s Day your mommy bonnet looks best of all, how good it is for your children to know how much you enjoy wearing them all, as you are defined by all of them.  What better model could there be for your children?

 Happy Mothers’ Day!

While I cannot take credit for inventing the expression lousy local conditions, I use it all the time. It’s just so right-on-the-button.

Lousy local conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. The child who has missed a nap or a meal, who went to sleep late or woke up too early, who has been dragged on too many errands, who has attended one birthday party too many, who had a bad day at school, a fight with a friend, will reflect those lousy local conditions in his behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two-year-old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her coffee-table china tea set. Your seven year old is not likely to treat his sibling with kindness when his best friend excluded him at recess.  The child’s environment sabotages his ability to behave in the way you expect.

When your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or meltdown, when he is unusually uncooperative or just plain icky, it can easily be the result of lousy local conditions.  Often taking a guess, laced heavily with empathy, goes a long way with an older child. With the younger child, you may just need to get through it and plan better next time.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points regardless of his age, will certainly help in avoiding meltdowns, tantrums, and icky behavior. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children are affected different lousy local conditions.

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. This, coupled with acknowledging the lousy local conditions, will make your days together a little brighter.

In response to my recent appearance on the Today Show  –  http://www.clicker.com/tv/today-show/Brat-proof-your-child-866570.html  in case you missed it! —  a  woman wrote to tell me I was off base. She said that children are naturally brats and are naturally selfish.

 While I would not be quick to countradict this mother  of 4 and grandmother of  11  who clearly has a lot of experience,  I  must say she is right and she is wrong.  She is correct: children are born selfish.  Infants and toddlers need to be selfish. That is, in fact, how they get their needs met.  They are responding to their own most basic of instincts – survival.   How else would we know to feed the child  if he didn’t cry out of hunger or relieve him from the discomfort of a soaked diaper?

 But as the child grows, it is the parents who help to modulate that selfishness. As he learns that other people with feelings, needs, desires exist, so does the child learn to delay gratification and begin to consider others.  And slowly the parent helps to move the child out of his perceived place in the center of the universe to take his rightful place along the side with everyone else. Selfishness begins to subside.

 But children are not born brats. No way, no how.  

 The whole point of my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12 Year Old Child, which is now available online and at bookstores everywhere, is how we keep our kids from becoming brats.  Children are not predisposed, not genetically nor biologically, to be brats.  They are born with the capacity to have all of those character traits that enable them to be competent, confident, terrific children and adults, satisfied and making their way in the world and able to handle what life throws their way…and not be brats!

 This journey does not happen without a parent’s hard work.  Inculcating your child with the values you want him to take with him into adulthood, making manifest the character traits (for which he has the capacity) that enable a child to stay on track, with maybe only an occasional wrong turn, is part of a parent’s job, a big part.  And it isn’t easy at all. 

 Every parent wants to see her child happy in the moment. “I spend so little time with him, I hate to spend it in a fight.”  Or “I just can’t stand to hear him cry. It breaks my heart.”  These confessions I hear all the time.  But I am talking about the long haul.   Too often pleasing your child in the moment means sabotaging his growing ability to take care of himself and make himself happy in the big picture.  Sometimes loving your child means not pleasing your child and tolerating his unhappiness.  Parenting to brat proof is about making the hard call. It is also about clear communication, expectations, and the trusting relationship you have with your child. None of this happens by accident.

 It is from parents and from experience that children learn how to be in the world, how to behave, and what is expected of them.  It is through practice on you that so much is learned.  As you well know, children save their worst behavior for the people whose love they trust the most…that’s you! So, unfortunately, likely you will see the brattiest of behaviors as your child figures out what works and what doesn’t.  It’s the experience he needs.   Actually, that’s the good news  because it gives you the opportunity to work on all those traits you want him to cultivate, the ones that must be caught and not just taught.

 Don’t you want to run out and buy my new book? I hope so…and tell your friends, too!

“I just have to hug my kid. And I tell him that I love him every chance I get.”  That’s what I have heard over and over for two weeks, as parents continue to process Julia Siegler’s death.  They are circling the wagons, appreciating every day with their kids, drinking up as much as they can. There is certainly nothing wrong with that.

Is that enough?  As I have read the countless stories about Julia, and as I recall the eulogies for this child who died too young, I am struck by how glorified people become in death. Julia was an incredible gem of a young woman, adored and appreciated by all whose lives she touched.  When someone dies we especially miss all her glory and goodness. But why do we wait until death to talk about it, to tell her,  to shout it to the world?

 Is it enough to hug your child and tell her you love her?  Every day we are given opportunities to tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what we appreciate about them, what we admire. 

 You are such an empathetic person, Emily.  I heard the way you spoke to your friend just now, and I so admire how you supported her as she struggled with that problem she is having with her mom.

 I am blown away by your ball handling, Micah. I watched you out on the court and I can’t get over  how skilled you are and how far you have come. All the practicing you ‘ve done is so obvious.

 Have I ever told you, Hannah, that wherever I go, people stop me to tell me how much they enjoy your enthusiasm and sense of humor.  You just bring a light to wherever you go. I so love that about you.

 Our kids love to hear the good stuff. (Actually, all people do.)  Yes, it might embarrass her, but I promise you she loves it and she’s taking it in.  Today is the day, every day is the day, to say one of the things you would say in a eulogy. Be specific, tell your child what you love and admire about her, a quality, an attribute at a time.  Not only does it feed the well of her sense of self, but it motivates more of the same good stuff.  Not only does it counterbalance the reminders and nagging that often dominate a parent’s communication with her child, but it makes you the parent feel really good, too.  Don’t wait.  Tell her.

There is no debate that the disaster in Haiti is just that, a disaster. But there are differing opinions about whether young children should be exposed to this news.

While I suggest that you have a look at chapter 11 (Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House?” Answering questinos about Natural Disasters, Terrorism, and War) in my book,  Just Tell me What to Say, I offer a few pointers in the meantime.

Of course it is wholly up to you whether and what you tell your children about the earthquake. But remember, young children will personalize this terrible news. For children under the age of six the news is likely to raise anxiety and fear in them, worrying that such a disaster might strike here…them. And be careful to protect tyoung children from the constant media coverage. The repetitive nature of the news makes events seem even bigger and scarier.

Older children no doubt have already been exposed to this news. But even for them, I offer the following tips:

• Take care of your own feelings first. You will surely leak, and you don’t want to add your own pain and saddness if it is extreme, to theirs.
• Don’t whisper!  The moment you do so, or use “pig Latin,” your child’s ears perk right up.
• Don’t avoid questions. Not answering questions gives a strong message about the taboo nature of the topic.
• Find out what your child knows already. Doing so enables you to correct misinformation and give the facts in an age appropriate way.
• Be honest and give accurate information. Just answer the question. Better he hears it from you or from someone else.
• Listen for the question beneath the question. Of ten there is something else brewing that is a source of anxiety unexpressed.
• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings. Resist the urge to say “Don’t worry.” or “Don’t be sad.” First of all, it doesn’t work. But more your child’s feelings are real and deserve your respect.
• Share your own feelings to the appropriate degree. You don’t want to compound your child’s worries.
• Remind your child that your job and that of all adults is to keep children safe. Talk with him about the difference in preparedness, safety precautions, and building regulations  in the U.S. vs Haiti.
• Talk about the ways you are going to help. It always feel better when you are proactive. Help your child to find ways, along with you, to provide aid and show compassion.

Most schools,  houses of worship, and public agencies already have help opportunities in place, from where to take extra shoes to donating money and other supplies. Children are creating drives to raise money and are finding their own creative ways of being charitable. Don’t wait! 

As horrible as the earthquake in Haiti is, it is an opportunity to teach compassion and empathy  as well as to model charity in action.

Home is the first school house. And children’s attitudes about books and reading begin at home at the earliest ages.

Pretty much all children start out loving books. Young children display their love of books in all kinds of ways: piling them high to make towers; pulling them off the shelf; carrying them around in a wheel barrow; organizing them according to size, color, shape; turning the pages, or just chewing on them! All of these are early ways of experiencing books.

Most children love books because they are accompanied by a cozy, close time with Mommy or Daddy and their full attention. What could be better!

But forcing a child to sit still and read a book when he isn’t ready, or doggedly trying to get a child to recognize letters, recite their sounds are sure fire ways of turning a child off to reading. If reading becomes a chore, your child won’t hurry to do it, anymore than he hurries to brush his teeth.

I can promise you that your child will learn to read, each in his own time, when he is ready. And if reading is a part of your everyday life, if books are part of your world, if your child sees how your love to read and love your books, so will he…someday.

Here are some tips for encouraging a love of books and reading.

•Be a role model for reading. Let your child see you reading. Choose to read as an activity when you have an extra ten minutes (Hah!) Talk about what you have read, sharing your enthusiasm. He will learn that reading is an enjoyable activity that you treasure.

•Read as a family. Even after your children can read on their own, they’re still likely to enjoy it when you read aloud to them. Pick a chapter book (for children four and older) and make it a ritual to read it with them. Let your older child participate in the reading.

Or, have a family reading time where everyone sits together in the family room or in the garden on a lovely morning …and reads! Take turns talking about what you are reading. Share paragraphs, sentences, descriptions, words.

•Talk about books. Let your child overhear you telling your friends, your husband, your mother on the phone about the book you are reading. Let him hear how much you are enjoying it.

•Bring a book wherever you go. Let your child catch you reading…as you wait in the carpool line, as you wait for her to come out of her dentist appointment, as she plays in your yard. Make reading a treat that you allow yourself whenever you can squeeze in some time.

•Create a home library in a special place. Make that library accessible to even the youngest child and model how we treat books with such care. For the young, non readers provide picture books, books with texture, and very primary books with simple words. For older children, stock the library with a variety of reading materials: “old friend” picture books, resource books, story books, joke books, riddle books, fiction, non fiction, art books, even comic books.

•Visit the library. Even in this day of the internet, the library is still a great resource for books of all kinds. You can borrow ten books at a time. Wow! Children don’t need to own their books, and using the library teaches them to share, to be responsible, and to use different skills than does Google.

•Unplug the TV! The television (and other such screens) has become an invasive influence in our homes. Too often it is to the detriment of our children’s recreational reading. If TV isn’t a choice, then reading just might be!

•Use reading as a special reward. Read an extra book or story when your child has done something worthy of a reward or praise.

For the great majority of young children, the headlines about Tiger Woods will pass right over their heads.  But for the child whose parents or older siblings are hyper tuned into sports, who overhears the news or casual conversation, for the child who is focused on sports and sports news or who is a budding golfer, he just may hear that another hero has fallen. What the heck does a parent say?

 We have been through this kind of revelation too many times before. With sports stars and politicians…President Clinton, John Edwards, and Koby Bryant, to name just a few. There is never a right answer. How does a parent explain poor judgment, poor choices, unethical or immoral behavior?

 Just like the others before, this is a tricky one. It makes even the most confident parent sweat. And it brings up many different issues and questions. Rather than to try to offer answers to the touchy questions which could spring forth, I offer the Tiger Woods story as another opportunity to talk with your children about real life.  It is an opportunity to have multiple conversations on a variety of topics, many starting points listed below. At the very least, this latest, disappointing news gives you an opening to underscore your personal beliefs and values. Those are the ones you pray your child takes with him into adulthood.

• Do you always believe what you read in the paper or in print?
• Do you believe all of what you hear on the news?
• Can we really know the whole story? (about Tiger or anyone else)
• What is gossip?
• What happens to the victims of gossip?

• What is a hero?
• Who are your heroes and why?
• How do people get to be heroes?
• Do we expect more from heroes than from regular folk?
• Do heroes have an obligation to behave in certain ways?
• Does having a lot of money make people happy?
• Does having a lot of money give someone permission to do things that are immoral or illegal?

• Is there such thing as a perfect person?

• What is the difference between a mistake and a bad choice?
• How do people learn from these?

• What is forgiveness?
• Should people who make bad choices be forgiven?
• Should people who make mistakes be forgiven?

• Do “famous people” ever have a “private life?”

• What does marriage mean? (Here is your chance to talk about the sacredness and the obligation of marriage vows)
•  What does trust mean?

 If you child asks what Tiger did, depending upon the child’s age, the starting point is  “It is reported that Tiger was having a close relationship with a woman who was not his wife.”  Remember to follow your child’s lead and do not offer more than he has asked. Less is likely enough.  Not answering or avoiding the question will give your child a different, stronger message. That message will be about your willingness to communicate with him. Children whose parents answer their questions will come back with more questions.

 I don’t envy any parent having to discuss infidelity. But I believe that it is only a small part of the discussion.   There is so much more to be learned from this and from all the other fallen hero news stories.  Take advantage…but only if your child brings it up first.   

In my last post, I addressed balancing a child’s media diet–how much and when.  As challenging as that  issue is, it is  almost easier to address than the question of content– what media is okay for your child. 

In today’s world of so much, so young,  deciding  what is okay and what isn’t can be daunting. Remember how many of you thought Baby Einstein was a good idea?  Now parents are scrambling for a refund. Who knew? (By the way, I did, and I have been steering parents away from Baby Einstein and all screens for young children for years.)  In response to my last post,  I received a thoughtful, detailed  response from a reader, Sharon Gold.  She recommends a website to help parents to decide if particular movies are appropriate for their children. The website does not judge; it gives information.

“…  I recommend to you and your readers a website called “Kids In Mind” (www.kids-in-mind.com). This website uses objective criteria to rate films on a scale of 0 to 10 in three categories: (1) SEX/NUDITY, (2) VIOLENCE/GORE & (3) PROFANITY. The site also explains in detail why a film rates high or low in a specific category, and, for the parents’ benefit, it lists scenes in the three categories. In addition, the site includes instances of SUBSTANCE USE, a list of DISCUSSION TOPICS that may elicit questions from children, and it sets forth MESSAGES the film conveys. …the site does not make any judgments or age-specific recommendations. ..”

But knowing if a movie is okay for your child may only be half the battle. In today’s highly competetive parenting environment, when parents don’t want their child to be left out, to be the only one who hasn’t seen the show, it is even trickier to make  the tough call and say No! Choosing not to allow your child to see the movie that everyone else is seeing is just that– a tough call. Likely, you’re going to hear about it from your child and from your friends, too.

I use the word choose purposefully. You do have a choice, after all. That may mean that you are bucking the tide, you are a salmon swimming up stream, and that your child calls your “the meanest mom in the whole world,”  but so be it. Only you know your child, and only you know what media content supports not only his current development but also your values.

You will never regret saying no, making the hard call  for now.  No can be revisited. But you can never take yes back. Once the movie has been seen, the images stick and the messages resonate.