In seminars across the country, parents flock to learn how to keep their children safe.  While our world is set up for safety, with people whose specific job is safety (police officers, fire fighters, crossing guards, security guards), with laws and measures whose purpose is safety and well-being (seatbelts, inoculations, hand washing),  no one is ever completely safe, including our children. For this reason alone,  we must “prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child” as I have drilled countless times.

 How do we arm our children without alarming them?

From as young as two years old, children need to be taught safety measures that fall under the category of “Family Safety Rules.”  Safety seminars have long lists  of these rules that become part of a child’s everyday life—from children under 10 years not answering the front door without an adult to how to walk safely to school.  But there is more–these are basic safety behaviors for all children and for adults.

 Children need to pay attention to their gut

Children need to be taught to pay attention to their feelings and their instincts about people and environments. This is a tough one because children’s development and temperament influence their feelings and behaviors. The “shy” child recoils when someone looks at him funny;  the child with separation anxiety sees all people through the intruder filter. Children need to learn to pay attention when something makes them feel uncomfortable, to notice when things seems different, unusual, strange, maybe not as they should be, or even just new. And then they need to tell a parent or a different adult. The adult will sort it out.

After the fact, one Miramonte student reported that the teacher in question was her only teacher who ever locked his door. That was different and should have been reported.

Two other children did report to their counselor that their teacher had his hands under his desk in his lap a lot; they thought it was strange.  Good for them!  But they were not heard or honored.

 Adults need to listen to children

Children do not lie about these sorts of things. While they may not be giving an accurate description, they do not lie.  It is a parent’s, teacher’s, school administrator’s job to hear the child, regardless of what he is saying.  Too often an adult downplays or disregards a child’s comment, thinking it can’t be so. Sometimes the adult is deaf to something he doesn’t want to hear, even responding with anger.  We want our children to talk to us, so we must listen to them and welcome their observations and comments.

As my colleague, Dr. Ian Russ, says, “Children always tell the truth. You just have to figure out what the truth means.”  The Miramonte school counselor did not do her job. She should have applauded the children’s stepping forward and dug deeper to discover what their truth was. Clearly, it was not their imagination.

 Children’s feelings should not be undermined.

Saying “You shouldn’t feel that way”  or “Oh c’mon, that didn’t scare you” teaches a child not to trust his own feelings and perceptions.  In order to pay attention to his gut, a child’s feelings must be honored.

 Communication is the key

Even “important” people, those in authority positions or trusted adults, might give a child a funny feeling or behave in unusual or unexpected ways—clergy, coaches, teachers, relatives, neighbors.  No matter who it is who causes “that feeling” in the child, a different adult needs to be told.    

Ask a child what he did at school and you will hear “Nothing “ or “I played.” Sharing the news of his day is often not a child’s strong suit. But in order for adults to keep children safe, they need to know what is happening. A child must be clear that adults always want to hear what is going on, even the things that make the child uncomfortable or worried, big or small. Welcome the communication, regardless of the size or importance. You will be the judge.

 While your parents may have believed that children should be seen and not heard, today’s children must be seen and heard. It is the key to their safety.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t many things I could or should change about myself. In fact, the list is embarrassingly long, and it would take many New Years to work my way through it, failure after failure.

Recently I watched a TED Talk about mindfulness and gratitude.  (http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.html#.Tu )  I have watched many of these talks, but this one—Louie Schwartzberg—blew me away. It sparked in me the closest thing to a resolution that I will have ever made: pay attention.  The good news is that the advice is nothing new. Being aware is something not only that I practice in my life but also that I preach in my work– mindful parenting.

Over the years I have met hundreds of parents. Some are helpless; some just stuck; some misguided; some are uber-confident.  The most effective parents share one trait: they are mindful.  Mindful parenting starts with keeping your eyes wide open. It’s like the flower’s growth revealed by time-lapse photography—your children blossom before your eyes every day, but only if you tune in.

Parenting effectively is an outgrowth of acting in thoughtful (as in, full of thought) and deliberate ways. Mindful parents think about what they do and say; they don’t shoot from the hip. You know those times when you open your mouth and out pops your father and the exact words you swore you would never spew?
It doesn’t mean that your deliberate actions will necessarily yield the desired behavior from your child. (We are talking about people, after all.) It does mean that you will eventually get there because you are observing, thinking, evaluating; you are parenting actively. Mindful parents think about and take responsibility for their actions with their children, and they make course corrections.

 In his talk, Schwartzberg shares a taste of his Happiness Revealed Project. It is breathtaking. In the piece, the older gentleman implores us to open our eyes to each day, “…It is not just another day; it is a day that was given to you. It’s a gift, a gift that was given to you right now.”  And so it is with your children. Each day you have with your child is a gift. You have just one life with each, so don’t let it get away. Pay attention and be mindful. You don’t have to resolve to do it; just do it. It’s right there in front of you.

The omnipresence of Christmas trappings fuels what is known as the “December Dilemma.” Many a Jewish parent recalls lusting after Christmas trees as a child, and that memory is enough to push her over the edge, all the way to the Christmas tree lot. Some go so far as to call said tree a Chanukah Bush or a Holiday Tree, claiming it is just part of the winter season.

Truth be told, it isn’t only the Jews who want what isn’t theirs at the holidays. Parents have shared with me stories of their Christian kids wanting to celebrate Chanukah because it lasts 8 nights. I once read an article about non-Jewish kids who were feeling deprived because they were not having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Their parents’answer?   The Faux Mitzvah! A big party with a d.j. that mimicked the Bar Mitzvah reception, but given for no reason at all. No joke.

(If I were a clergywoman, I would continue here about why Christmas trees and wreaths are a part of Christian observance and why Chanukah and its 8 nights celebrate a victorious freedom fight. But I write from the perspective of a child development and behavior specialist.)

No parent, regardless of religion, wants to be the cause of her child’s disappointment. So, in much the same way that parents have a hard time saying no to their kids about many things (No pierced ears, no ipad, no nights at the mall…), unless there is a strong religious conviction, some Jewish parents just give in and get the tree. It’s better, they conclude, than being on the receiving end of the whining and the – “That’s not fair!” cries.  But what is the lesson? It certainly isn’t to tolerate disappointment.

Children need to learn that you can enjoy something without owning it.  Think about the library. You can borrow books, ten at a time, read them over and over for two whole weeks, and then return them.

The Parenting Center I founded was another example. Magnificently stocked with the most interesting, unique, uncommon toys I could find, it was play heaven.  Not a day would pass that a parent wouldn’t ask where I had purchased the Tree Blocks or another toy that she must have for her child.  I explained, “It’s really okay for your child to use those sand tools just while he’s here at school. He doesn’t need to own them.” (And I wouldn’t share the source, just to drive home the lesson.)

As young children grow, their interest in and experience with the winter holidays changes. They learn that everyone celebrates everything differently—Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza.  It is well within the range of normal development for children to want for their own anything (and everything) that appeals to them. Knowing that lots of Jewish families are experiencing the December Dilemma, I offer the following tips.

·     Keep your own feelings in check. If you feel sad or even guilty, as if you are depriving your child of something, your child will absorb those feelings. You need not feel guilty that Santa isn’t a part of your celebration.

·     Honor your child’s feelings. Take this opportunity to walk your child through her/his feelings of disappointment.  Life is filled with times when we can’t “have it all”.  Understanding that and giving your child the opportunity to reflect those feelings and help him develop coping skills is a gift. It will teach a tolerance for disappointment which is a critical, life-long lesson.

·     Play reindeer games. Help your child to learn that you can love and appreciate something without bringing it into your home. You can go to a Christmas tree lot and play hide and seek, as you smell the fragrant trees. You can get yourselves invited to a friend’s house to trim their tree. You can count the number of wreaths you see on front doors.  You can pile in the car in your pj’s and search for Christmas lights all over the city.

·       Use all eight days. Take pains not to position yourselves as Jews who are “missing out” on something.  Rather, be creative in your celebration of Chanukah, creating all kinds of family experiences, rituals and traditions. You have 8 days to celebrate, and on each of these you can do something different and special (a dreidel night; a baking night; a game night; a making-gifts-for-others night; a party night; and a few gift nights, too.)

 Let me put your mind at ease. You have not been lying to your child if you have allowed Santa Claus to be part of your Christmas celebration.  Santa is a cultural myth; he is part of our folklore.

 Almost all young children’s celebration of Christmas has included Santa Claus at some point. He is part of the magic of the holiday. And it is thrilling for children to believe that there is a guy with a white beard and a red suit, who flies through the sky in sleigh pulled by reindeer that carries enough toys for all the children in the whole world. He lands on your roof, finds the exact present you want, comes into your house via the chimney, leaves the gift, eats the cookies, gulps the milk, and climbs back up that same chimney, now off to the next house.  You’d have to believe in magic to buy that one!  How lucky are young children that they do. Oh to believe in magic and Santa again.

 Your child will ask if Santa is real. It might come when he is 5 or even much older, at 8 or 9. The impossibility of the story might just dawn on him, or his buddy who has an older brother might burst his balloon.

 But when your child comes to you, what do you say?  “Well, what do you believe?” Because he wants the magic, he’ll believe. But then that questioning, growing-up voice will persist. “But what do YOU believe?”

 I am not someone who wants to rain on a child’s parade, and I don’t think you are lying.  I think you are doing what your mother did for you, and what her mother did for her. You are passing down the folklore, keeping up the tradition, and allowing your child to fully enjoy the magic while he can.

 “When I was a little girl, I believed in Santa Claus. Now that I am grown up, I have different ideas about him. Each person gets to decide for himself if he thinks Santa is real. What I can tell you for sure is that the story of Santa is part of celebrating Christmas, just like Frosty and Christmas trees and lights and wreaths.”

 And when your 10 year old is on the verge of spilling the beans, bring him into your inner circle. “When Grandma was a little girl, her mommy told her about Santa, and when I was little, Grandma told me about Santa, and when you were little, I told you about Santa. And now you get to help me keep the story going and let your little brother believe in Santa. One day, he will figure it out, just like you did. But he’s just a little boy, so help me to pass on the story to him.”

Children whine at different ages for different reasons. No one can say exactly when whining will start, but it can even be as young as 18 months.  It is interesting that early talkers seem also to be early whiners.  The toddler whiner often feels overwhelmed or out of control. He’s just not getting what he wants right at that moment. He doesn’t have the vocabulary to express his feelings, and he likely lacks the ability to delay gratification and to tolerate his frustration.

The preschool whiner often suffers from lousy local conditions. The current environment is sabotaging his ability to use his “regular voice.” (He’s hungry, fatigued, had too many playdates, gone on one errand too many, Mommy’s been out of town, Daddy hasn’t been home for dinner all week, etc…)  For him, whining has become a habit.  He thinks that is the way to get his needs met.  Children whine because it works! You hate it, you tell your child not to do it, you ignore it…and then you explode. Stop whining right now!  You’re just stoking the fire.

Whining fulfills two basic emotional needs that all children have:  the need for attention and the need for power.  The child needs your attention, and whining usually gets it, even if it’s your exasperated, negative response. It is attention, after all.  It also makes the child feel powerful because so often in the end, he actually gets what he wants, including your attention.  While the capacity to whine comes with the package, the use of that behavior is learned and reinforced by you. No one can say exactly when the whining will stop, but its cessation is definitely related to your response.

A child’s whining is a clear message that he needs something. It is a cry for help. He’s frustrated, he’s impatient, he’s overwhelmed, he’s needy, he’s spent, he’s fed up, he’s done. There is always an underlying cause. It’s just that whining is the wrong way to get the help he needs.

To stop the whining, a preemptive approach is always a good idea, especially when it comes to guarding against lousy local conditions.  But making sure that the child is getting the attention he needs, that the houseguests go home, for example, is not always possible.  In that case, here are some suggestions for dealing with and kissing the whining goodbye.

• Whining can never work. Period.
• Keep in mind that your child is asking for help. Let him know that you have heard him and that you will meet that need. (I hear that you want some juice. I will get it for you in one minute if you use your regular voice to ask.) To the younger child you can ask, How can I help you? And follow it by telling him the voice and words he needs to use.
• Do not mimic your child. It is the height of unkindness and disrespect.
• Do let your child hear what he sounds like by setting up a video or recorder in the kitchen, unbeknownst to him. At an unloaded time, play it back, saying, I am not sure you know what it sounds like to me when you whine. You are giving him information and teaching awareness.
• Let your child know that he will not get what he wants if he whines for it. Not ever.
• Develop a signal (a tug on the ear) that you will give to your preschool and older child so he knows to use a different voice to express his need.
• Praise and acknowledge of his use of an acceptable voice. That is just the voice that works!
• Take a look at when the whining seems to occur. Is there a pattern? Perhaps there is something in the child’s environment that can be changed to meet the need he is expressing.  This is part of being attuned to your child.
• If you have encountered a spat of whininess, give some thought to what might be causing it these days.  Is your child getting enough of you?  Has the baby been getting a lot of attention? Often consistent whining signals a child’s need to reconnect with you.
• If the whining is pervasive, start whispering. No kidding! In your child’s attempt to hear you, he will stop whining, and the whining pattern will be broken for the moment anyway.
• If all else fails, hang a sign that says No Whining inside a circle crossed with a diagonal line. When the preschool and older child whines, take his hand, show him the sign, and lead him into another room, saying,  Remember, this is a No Whining room. You can whine out here!

One day—maybe sooner than you think, your kids will turn into teenagers. Have you heard stories about the horrors of raising teens? Don’t worry, it is not as bad as you think!  In fact, parents can work right now to build a solid foundation with their kids which will make the transition to the teen years  much smoother.  Improving your communication is one important way  you can  prepare for those rapidly approaching teen years. 

In my book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” (http://www.radicalparenting.com/books-and-products/book-youre-grounded/) I suggest some great questions that will help you to get to know your kids, questions are that are character defining. Here are a few of my favorites,and do  feel free to expand these into some great, get-to-know-each-other conversations:

Conversation Starters to Get to Know Your Kids:

 1. What is the hardest thing about your life, what do you worry about most?

 2. Is there something that you wish I knew about you?

 3. What are three words to describe you?

 4. What do you think is the most important quality a person can have?

 5. How were you different five years ago from who you are now? What do you think you will be like five years from now?

These questions are meant to not only help you get to know each other, but also to help get your child thinking about her own identity. By discussing these issues with her in an open-minded fashion, she knows she can come to you when she is trying to figure herself out…and when you want to figure her out as well. If you liked these tips and are interested in learning more about the non-verbal cues of kids, tweens, and teens please check out my book “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” 

Here are some more: 20 Teen and Tween Conversation Starters (http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/06/02/table-topics/

Vanessa Van Petten is the  creator of RadicalParenting.com,  a parenting website written from the teen perspective to help parents understand teenagers. She is also the author of the newly released parenting book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” (http://www.radicalparenting.com/books-and-products/book-youre-grounded/)

As the anniversary approaches, not only will the event be replayed on screens of all kinds, but it is likely to be discussed in classrooms and even on playgrounds. And the topic might come up around your dinner table.  How will you answer your child’s questions:  What really happened on 9/11?  Who were those guys? Why did they do it?  Is it going to happen again? Is our plane going to crash ? Throughout history there have been wars and assassinations and natural disasters, too many to count, but 9/11 was different. It was a first for America, and it was terrifying.

A child’s ability to process 9/11 will depend upon his age, development, temperament, and experience. In addition, young children easily confuse the facts with their own fears, and they lack perspective. Did it happen last week? Across town? Will it happen to us?

It is almost impossible to completely shelter very young children from the news. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. And when you have children of different ages, monitoring your child’s news intake is compounded by what your older children have heard and learned in their less sheltered lives away from home and wandering the world through media. It is a good idea to have at the ready your explanations, just in case…

Finding the words to use with children, words that explain but do not terrify and cause additional fear, is tricky business.  Below are some tips and scripts that may come in handy, as 9/11/11 approaches.

• Mind your affect.  Children absorb your affect, that is, your tone, as well as your feelings. When you speak with your child about terrifying issues, it is crucial that your affect is calm and confident, but not dismissive.
• Don’t avoid questions. Not answering questions, avoiding the discussion, is just as damaging as answering without consideration. And it can leave the child with the message that the topic is taboo. Children should be able to come to parents with all their questions.
• Find out what the child knows. Then you can continue the discussion based on what he knows and what you think he is really asking (the question beneath the question, what is really brewing).
• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings. Not only does saying “Don’t worry” not work, but it disreguards your child’s real feelings. Acknowledge his feelings and give honest but reassuring answers.
• Be brief and use simple language that your child can understand.  A four year old and a twelve year old require different explanations.
• Be honest and give accurate information…but only as needed and only the bare essentials.
• Beware of What if questions. Your child is usually looking for reassurance that he will be safe no matter what. Don’t bite!
• What happened on 9/11? “Some terrorists flew an airplane into two buildings, and the buildings collapsed.” When you child asks if people died, “Yes, many people who were on the plane and in the building died.”
• What is a terrorist? “A terrorist is someone who tries to scare or frighten and sometimes hurt other people. Terror is another word for frighten. Most people are good. There are not many terrorists.”
• Why did they do that? “That was a horrible thing that they did. There are some people who are really angry, and they let their feelings out in very bad ways.”

These are simple explanations and are meant as starting points for your conversations with your children.  Younger children can talk about how we solve disagreements and problems, how we express our feelings in non violent ways. Older children can talk about the reasons for the terrorists’ anger at America.

In all your discussions, remember every child’s basic need to feel safe. They need to be reassured of all the ways we are safe in America and all the people whose job it is to keep it so.

Please refer to chapter 11, Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House? in my book, Just Tell Me What to Say, for a deeper discussion on the topic.

There was an article in the paper last week about a family of five piano virtuosos, siblings who perform together as the Five Browns.  It was a fairytale story about these talented children… that is, until I got to the paragraph about the children’s father who is in prison, convicted for molesting his daughters. One small mention became one huge part of this family’s story, and it commandeered all my attention. Forget the piano.   How did this happen?

Of course I’ll never know the answer, but it got me thinking. What I do know is that in protecting our children from dangers and evils of all kinds, we are getting it wrong. Too often these days parents interpret their job of safe guarding to be just that: Being the guard dog at all times, everywhere. Truth be told, it is utterly impossible for you to keep your child safe all the time.  And if you, the parent, give the child the message that only by you being with him will he be safe, then he certainly doesn’t exercise and grow his own safety muscles.

A big part of the safety lesson is teaching your child to keep himself safe. Of course a parent should never intentionally allow a child to be in an unsafe position, tempting fate. But from an early age children need to be habituated to safety behaviors. In the same way that we teach our youngest children not to run into the street, so must they have Family Safety Rules of many kinds.  If it is never okay for a child to answer the front door without the supervising adult’s approval or presence, it is a habit.  If the door always stays open during a playdate, then it becomes the child’s habit. The child plays a role in keeping himself safe.

After reading the newspaper article about the Brown Five, I wondered what Family Safety Rules about their bodies the children had been taught. Were they taught that it is never okay for anyone (including mother or father or doctor or coach) to touch their bodies if it felt uncomfortable or strange or weird? Were they taught that even someone they respect should not be (mis)handling their bodies? Did they know that “Don’t tell” means “tell?” Had they been taught to tell a parent (the other parent) or care giver when they don’t like the way they are being treated? I think not.

In the chapter on Independence in my second book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I address the specific ways in which we help children to be safe by keeping themselves safe.  This is just another of the ways that we must prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child. Keeping a child safe is your job and your child’s.

 When you explain an act of terrorism, the child’s ability to understand and process what went on or is going on depends upon his age, development, temperament, and experience.  His understanding is not in an adult context, one that allows him to know that people recover, eventually things will be okay, and life goes on. In addition, the child easily confuses his own fears with the facts.

 Children are egocentric and concrete thinkers. They understand everyday life as it affects them, and that is their major concern:  Am I okay?  Are the people I care about okay? Is this going to happen again…to me?

Most experts agree that children under the age of seven do not need to know about 9/11, let alone the death of Osama Bin Laden. 

 Here are some tips for explaining 9/11 to your older children.

•  After he has come to you with his question, find out what your child  has already heard.  What have you heard about 9/11?  Hopefully, since you calmly welcomed his question, your child will say what’s on his mind. Then you will follow his lead and continue the discussion based on what he knows, what he asks, and what you think he’s really asking. But remember, most parents tend to talk too much and give too much information.
• Shape your answers to each individual child. Older children will likely want and be able to handle more details.  You know your child and how much he can handle. Invite your older child to protect the younger or more sensitive child from sharing information that only he can handle. It is surprising how he will oblige.
•  Be brief and try to use simple language and concepts that your child can understand.
•  Listen for the question beneath the words.  The child may subtly be letting you know that he is worried.  You may want to ask what you think he is really saying. Are you concerned that this is going to happen again?
• Be honest and give accurate information…but only as needed and only the bare essentials, a bit at a time. In response to your child saying I heard some guys flew planes into a building and a lot of people died., you might say, Yes, that is what happened almost 10 years ago.
• Be prepared to answer each question only as it comes up. And be prepared for several conversations.  Children often ask the same question over and over again. That repetition can be the child’s attempt to wrap his arms around your answer, or it may represent a need for reassurance.  As he processes the information he has learned or hears additional information on the playground, he will have new thoughts and questions.
• Why? While often the question Why? is the young child’s way of telling you he doesn’t like what he has heard, it is a real question from the older child who will likely need more information.   But for this older child, you might start by asking him why he thinks it happened.  Likely this will lead a discussion of terrorism.
• What is a terrorist?  A terrorist is someone who tries to scare or sometimes hurt other people. Terror is another word for frighten. Most people in the world are good; there are not many terrorists.
• Why did they do that?  The men who flew the plane into the buildings were terrorists. Those terrorists were really angry about something, and they expressed their feelings in really horrible ways.    More…     The people who flew the planes into the building did not like America, and they wanted to cause terrible damage. Most people do not feel this way about America.  While you may not believe this to be true, you child needs to hear it in order to feel safe.
• Going into detail about Al Qaeda (and others) is not a good idea. Your child has a basic need to feel safe and to feel that he and you, as Americans, are not danger. This event should be presented as the great exception.
• Take time to point out all the ways in which we are safe.  Children need to be reminded that there are a multitude of precautions that all people take every day in order to be safe—from wearing seat belts and washing hands to airport security checks. We live in a country whose priority is for all its citizens to be safe.

For more information on this topic, visit Chapter 11, “Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House,” in my book Just Tell Me What to Say.

     The single most important message for you calmly and confidently to communicate to your children when it comes to disasters and widespread safety precautions is: 

“You are safe.  I know how to keep you and our whole family safe. That is my job. We are all safe now, and we will continue to be safe.”

 Below is an abbreviated excerpt from my book.

•  Protect your children under the age of seven from the media.  Young children, children seven years and younger, should not be intentionally exposed to the news, period. Keep your children safe.  Don’t listen to news radio during morning carpool. Don’t read the newspaper at the breakfast table in the morning. Turn off the little television in the kitchen that is background to your meal preparation.  While you think your child isn’t watching and listening, she is absorbing it, and she certainly is observing your reactions.
• Take care of your own feelings first. On an airplane we are taught the oxygen mask practice. First put on your own mask, and then put the mask on your child.  The same holds true with your feelings. As a parent, your reactions and way of being with your child is based on your own fear and anxiety; it is not necessarily based on logic or reality.   Leaking your own feelings adds to the child’s concern and anxiety.
• Don’t whisper! There are many times when we don’t want our children to hear what we are saying.  The moment you whisper about the catastrophic event, your child’s ears perk right up. Now she is listening, and now she knows that there is something going on that she isn’t supposed to know about.
• It’s okay not to talk about it.  If your child is not directly affected the disaster that has happened, it is well within possible that she has escaped without unwanted exposure. There is no reason to raise the subject with a child who is six years old or younger. How lucky she is to be unburdened by these issues, events, and resulting worries. The young child needs to know that the world is a safe place. Hearing about disasters and terrorism only eats away at her feelings of safety.
• Don’t avoid questions.  If your child has been exposed to a scary event, hopefully she will come to you with her questions.  Not answering her questions, avoiding the discussion, will be more damaging than the discussion. The lack of discussion will leave your child alone with her fears and anxieties. In addition, the child will be left feeling that the subject is taboo.
• Find out what the child knows.  If your child comes to you with a question, your first job is to figure out what he already knows.

           “I am so glad that you are asking me because I want to talk with you about that. Tell me, where did you hear about the tsunami?

            Hopefully, because of the way in which you calmly welcomed her question, your child will say, “Amanda told me that a lot of people drowned in a giant wave.”    

           And you can continue based on what she knows and what you think she is really asking. But take note, most often the young child is not asking for actual details;  she is asking if she is safe. 

• Keep in mind that your child’s primary need is know that she is safe. It is every parent’s tendency to talk too much and to give too much information. What your young child wants to know and needs to hear is that she is safe, her family is safe, and that you know how and will take care of the family.
• Listen for the question beneath the question. Often a young child will ask a question, but she is not looking for that answer. Something else is brewing underneath those words. Sometimes you may have to probe a little more deeply,

             “Are you wondering if the tsunami is near to our house?”

              And sometimes you will just take a stab at what you think the child is really asking,

             “I think you are worried that a tsunami is going to happen to us and we will not be safe.”

               Then you speak to that underlying question or worry.

              “The tidal wave in the ocean happened far far away in a whole different side of the world. We are just fine here in California; we are all safe.”

• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings.  Resist the urge to say   “Don’t worry” or “Don’t be sad” to your child. Truth be told, saying “Don’t worry” doesn’t really work, does it?  You still worry! So will your child. Your child’s feelings are real, even if you think they are unfounded or needless. Your child needs to have her feelings validated and to be reassured. You don’t need to fix those feelings, but you do need to respect them. She needs you to hear her, to receive and be a container for her feelings.

            “I know that you are really worried about the tsunami you have heard about.  That happened far far away from here, from where we are.

           At the same time, it is important not to down play the seriousness of the situation. It usually is serious, very serious. Saying, “Don’t cry. Everything will be okay” is not only another way of denying the child her feelings, but it is also somewhat crazy-making. It most effective to be honest, to acknowledge and to reassure the child    at the same time. 

•  Share your own feelings to the appropriate degree. Sharing your feelings can validate your child’s feelings and let her know that she is not alone with them. You must also show and communicate that you are in control of your emotions and not overwhelmed by them.  

             “You are so sad that those people’s houses were wrecked by the earthquake. I am really sad about that, too. It was a terrible accident.”

• Be brief and try to use simple language and concepts that your child can understand. When speaking with your four year old you will use a different language than that you would use with your twelve year old.  The young child needs simple explanations with very few words. She should not be overloaded with information and words.
• Be honest and give accurate information…but only as needed and only the bare essentials, a bit at a time. Your child may ask you a question, wanting to verify what she has heard. Just answer the question, nothing more. “Yes, some people were killed when the building collapsed.  
• Be prepared for several conversations.  Children often ask the same question over and over again. That repetition may be her attempt to wrap her arms around your answer or it may represent a need for reassurance. As your child processes the information she has learned or as she hears new information, she will have new thoughts and questions.
• What if? questions.   What if? questions are tricky. Usually the child is looking for reassurance that you will keep her safe no matter what.  There are those children who will keep after you, “But what if the plane does crash? But what if the fire does come to our house? But what if there is a tsunami and the wave comes and we get flooded? And what if and what if and what if…”  There are those kinds of children. If you have one, you sure do know it!  These kinds of questions can be answered in with straight forward and clearly delivered information.

            “There will be no flood at our house. We are completely safe here, and I will keep it that way.”

 For older children, I remind you:

•  All children., even older ones, need to feel that they are safe. You, the adult, will do everything you can to make sure of that. It is your job.
• Answer only the questions your child asks.  In so doing you will not add your anxiety or issues of which they may not have thought.
• Do not avoid the older child’s what if question. As the older child is capable of thinking beyond what has happened in Japan, ask him to answer his question first. His answer will let you know the nature of his fear.
• Address his fears realisticallyand without denial. The child needs to know that while his fears are real, it is highly unlikely that they will come to fruition. Explain further that all children and some grownups have fears but seldom do they become reality.
• Do something to help.  Inertia contributes to a feeling of helplessness. Activity always contributes to a sense of control.  Sending clothing, giving money, having a lemonade stand to raise money, etc…not help the child to feel less helpless but models exactly what all people should do for others in need.

 While we know that Japan was as prepared as a country could be and the earthquake and tsunami still had unimaginable effects, take this time to make sure your earthquake supplies are updated.www.emergencycafe.com is just one of the many sites that can help you with your preparedness.