While I cannot take credit for inventing the expression lousy local conditions, I use it all the time. It’s just so right-on-the-button.

Lousy local conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. The child who has missed a nap or a meal, who went to sleep late or woke up too early, who has been dragged on too many errands, who has attended one birthday party too many, who had a bad day at school, a fight with a friend, will reflect those lousy local conditions in his behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two-year-old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her coffee-table china tea set. Your seven year old is not likely to treat his sibling with kindness when his best friend excluded him at recess.  The child’s environment sabotages his ability to behave in the way you expect.

When your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or meltdown, when he is unusually uncooperative or just plain icky, it can easily be the result of lousy local conditions.  Often taking a guess, laced heavily with empathy, goes a long way with an older child. With the younger child, you may just need to get through it and plan better next time.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points regardless of his age, will certainly help in avoiding meltdowns, tantrums, and icky behavior. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children are affected different lousy local conditions.

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. This, coupled with acknowledging the lousy local conditions, will make your days together a little brighter.

“I just have to hug my kid. And I tell him that I love him every chance I get.”  That’s what I have heard over and over for two weeks, as parents continue to process Julia Siegler’s death.  They are circling the wagons, appreciating every day with their kids, drinking up as much as they can. There is certainly nothing wrong with that.

Is that enough?  As I have read the countless stories about Julia, and as I recall the eulogies for this child who died too young, I am struck by how glorified people become in death. Julia was an incredible gem of a young woman, adored and appreciated by all whose lives she touched.  When someone dies we especially miss all her glory and goodness. But why do we wait until death to talk about it, to tell her,  to shout it to the world?

 Is it enough to hug your child and tell her you love her?  Every day we are given opportunities to tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what we appreciate about them, what we admire. 

 You are such an empathetic person, Emily.  I heard the way you spoke to your friend just now, and I so admire how you supported her as she struggled with that problem she is having with her mom.

 I am blown away by your ball handling, Micah. I watched you out on the court and I can’t get over  how skilled you are and how far you have come. All the practicing you ‘ve done is so obvious.

 Have I ever told you, Hannah, that wherever I go, people stop me to tell me how much they enjoy your enthusiasm and sense of humor.  You just bring a light to wherever you go. I so love that about you.

 Our kids love to hear the good stuff. (Actually, all people do.)  Yes, it might embarrass her, but I promise you she loves it and she’s taking it in.  Today is the day, every day is the day, to say one of the things you would say in a eulogy. Be specific, tell your child what you love and admire about her, a quality, an attribute at a time.  Not only does it feed the well of her sense of self, but it motivates more of the same good stuff.  Not only does it counterbalance the reminders and nagging that often dominate a parent’s communication with her child, but it makes you the parent feel really good, too.  Don’t wait.  Tell her.

There is no debate that the disaster in Haiti is just that, a disaster. But there are differing opinions about whether young children should be exposed to this news.

While I suggest that you have a look at chapter 11 (Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House?” Answering questinos about Natural Disasters, Terrorism, and War) in my book,  Just Tell me What to Say, I offer a few pointers in the meantime.

Of course it is wholly up to you whether and what you tell your children about the earthquake. But remember, young children will personalize this terrible news. For children under the age of six the news is likely to raise anxiety and fear in them, worrying that such a disaster might strike here…them. And be careful to protect tyoung children from the constant media coverage. The repetitive nature of the news makes events seem even bigger and scarier.

Older children no doubt have already been exposed to this news. But even for them, I offer the following tips:

• Take care of your own feelings first. You will surely leak, and you don’t want to add your own pain and saddness if it is extreme, to theirs.
• Don’t whisper!  The moment you do so, or use “pig Latin,” your child’s ears perk right up.
• Don’t avoid questions. Not answering questions gives a strong message about the taboo nature of the topic.
• Find out what your child knows already. Doing so enables you to correct misinformation and give the facts in an age appropriate way.
• Be honest and give accurate information. Just answer the question. Better he hears it from you or from someone else.
• Listen for the question beneath the question. Of ten there is something else brewing that is a source of anxiety unexpressed.
• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings. Resist the urge to say “Don’t worry.” or “Don’t be sad.” First of all, it doesn’t work. But more your child’s feelings are real and deserve your respect.
• Share your own feelings to the appropriate degree. You don’t want to compound your child’s worries.
• Remind your child that your job and that of all adults is to keep children safe. Talk with him about the difference in preparedness, safety precautions, and building regulations  in the U.S. vs Haiti.
• Talk about the ways you are going to help. It always feel better when you are proactive. Help your child to find ways, along with you, to provide aid and show compassion.

Most schools,  houses of worship, and public agencies already have help opportunities in place, from where to take extra shoes to donating money and other supplies. Children are creating drives to raise money and are finding their own creative ways of being charitable. Don’t wait! 

As horrible as the earthquake in Haiti is, it is an opportunity to teach compassion and empathy  as well as to model charity in action.