Last Sunday morning I stood on the corner of Sepulveda and Skirball Drive. Ten families with children of all ages in tow and I stood at the red light, eager to get to Milk and Bookies. (The glory of that charity event held this year at the Skirball is for another blog.) There were no cars anywhere in sight. Not a one as far as the eye could see. Yet everyone stood there, waiting for the light to change.  Good!

 I have been trying to process Julia Siegler’s tragic death all week long. Julia, who ran to catch her bus, crossing against the red light on Sunset, thought she could make it.  Julia’s horrible death was no one’s fault. There is no one to blame, much as everyone tried to point a finger. It was an accident. Julia could have been killed in a cross walk even if the light had been green. The fact is, she ran for it, against a red light.  And what we know is that often kids just don’t think. That’s the long and short of it.

 How many parents make a run for it, cross when the light is red, roll through the stop sign (“the California stop”), jay walk? Lots of us do. And we do it when our kids are in the car, in a stroller, or hurrying right along with us.  When I was a school director, I went out of my mind when parents made a run for it, jaywalking right across the perpetually trafficky Barrington Avenue at Olympic Boulevard, nursery school child in tow. Are you kidding?

 Every time we hurry through a yellow light turning red, roll through a stop, cross on a red, our children are watching. And what is the message? It’s okay…go for it! We’ll be fine.

What’s the hurry, I ask you. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll be late. Okay, you’ll be late. Next time you’ll leave a little earlier.  Well, I think in Julia’s death we know only too well what the worst is. It happened.   

 It’s time to slow down. Hurrying is enemy. Not only does it often undermine whatever we are trying to accomplish (C’mon. Hurry ! Hurry! We’re going to be late!), as your child slows to a snail’s pace, spikes growing out of the soles of his shoes, adhering him to the earth, but it puts us at risk.  Hurrying takes our attention away from the business at hand. If you are rushing to make the light, are you really thinking about all the possible hazards? 

There are no guarantees.  But maybe if we parents make it a habit to walk to the corner crosswalk, to wait for the light to turn green, to slow down, fate won’t be tempted. If it isn’t even an option then maybe, just maybe our kids will practice the same, never even considering to go against a red light.

There will be times when we need our kids to speed it up. But to quote the great John Wooden, “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”  Instead,  hurry up and slow down. If not for your sake, then for your children’s.

A mom called me from New York today. In a panic she explained that her mother was in the last stages of   her life and what on earth would she tell her child.  She said she needed a crash course in death.  So sad for her, but good for her.

There are parents of young children who will read the title of this blog, shake their heads, and walk–no run– away from the computer. Don’t do it!  Children need to learn about death, and they should learn about it from you.  Death is the one great inevitability in life. Everything that is alive will die one day.

Take a minute and read the article I wrote on the topic last summer.  You’ll be glad you did. It’s always better to be prepared before you need to be.

http://www.opposingviews.com/i/teaching-your-kids-about-life-and-death

P.S.  As if I am prescient, yesterday tragically a 13 year old girl was killed by a car as she crossed the street to catch the school bus. In front of her mother’s eyes, she was hit by the car, as she crossed against the red light. 

In response to the many inquiries I have received about  how to talk to your (older) kids about this horrible accident, I have written the following:

Points and Talking Points to Use in Processing

the Tragic , Accidental Death of Julia Siegler

1.  Your first job is to listen. Allow and encourage your child to talk, feel, emote without necessarily commenting.
2. Rather than trying to make it better, merely validate his feelings.  I know. I know. It is the most awful thing imaginable. It’s unthinkably tragic.
3. Answer his questions as best as you can. Share what you know, the whole story.
4. Be sad together. Don’t brush your or his feelings off.
5. Allow and encourage your child (especially teen aged) to be with his friends. The most comfort and support is found in groups of friends. 
6. People process and mourn in different ways. Just because your child isn’t crying or talking doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling. Sometimes your own sadness is a vent for your child. But be careful not to dwell or impose your feelings on him.
7. Expect your child to have a reaction. He may want to stay close to home. He may want to be alone. He may become sullen, fearful of going out, nightmares, lots of questions about safety. Questions about God, fairness in the world, BIG questions will come up. (How we all wish we had questions to these.  But remember, it was an accident; it isn’t about a greater plan or about fairness.)
8. Know this:  It was an accident. That is what the word means…it wasn’t supposed to happen. It may not have been anyone’s fault. Just an accident.
9. These kinds of accidents usually don’t happen . They are the exception. Remind your child about all the airplanes that get through each day about which we don’t hear. We only hear about the ones that crash. That makes it seem like they happen all the time, but they don’t. Accidents don’t usually happen; they are the exceptions.   Children cross streets safely all the time. This was an exception.
10. Your child doesn’t need to live in fear.  (see #9, above.) Help him to know that it is typical to be extra frightened or vigilant and cautious after an accident. Everyone is more aware and frightened right now.
11. People have a need to blame someone. It takes the anger and hurt and puts it somewhere. But sometimes there isn’t anyone to blame. It IS just an accident, a horrible accident.
12. There is energy and power that accompanies the anger one feels over this horrible kind of accident. Put that energy to use…write a note, cook a meal, offer to help at the house.   Helping in this way is symbiotic:   It helps you do something with that energy and it genuinely helps the bereaved.
13. As the dust begins to settle (and that will take some time), help your child to do (create) something to memorialize Julia.  Perhaps her friends (and their families) will start a foundation, a charity, raise funds for something in Julia’s name. Create a cause.
14. Keep her memory alive. Photos, memorabilia, discussions about what you remember help kids to learn that people live on within us.
15.  Listen Listen Listen Listen!