Caine’s dad George claims that he is no special parent. He says he simply knew his son, didn’t force him to do what he didn’t want, and allowed him the space, time, and “stuff” to do his thing. Caine filled his hours with empty boxes while George worked in his Boyle Heights auto body parts shop, side by side. Voila! Caine’s Arcade was born. And what a stir it has created in this city of over-programmed, do-it-all kids and their super goal oriented parents.

Call it down time, call it play time. I call it critical to a child’s development. The importance of unstructured time— no sports practice, no enrichment classes, no tutors, no school work, no playdates, no screens—cannot be over emphasized. Real downtime is when creativity goes up. It is when children’s resourcefulness and creative juices are squeezed, it’s when minds hatch crazy-good ideas. I am quite sure Mrs. Bell, little Alexander Graham’s mother, didn’t schedule his days dawn to dark. I can picture him playing with wires and such (to which we, in our hyper safety conscious world, wouldn’t think of allowing our kids access!)

Children today are never bored. They have no time to be bored; they’re too busy. But it is in those unstructured times when there’s nothing else to do that ideas are born, ideas like using cardboard boxes to create an arcade. But when cries of I’m bored! send parents into fits of anger (With all those toys you can’t find one thing to do?) or guilt (I have to get my work done him so I ‘ll just find something for him to do), the gift of boredom is lost. We just can’t tolerate our child’s unhappiness or boredom, anyway.

On top of that, many of the toys we buy children today stifle their budding creativity. In the olden days, Legos were purchased by the bag, a whole bunch of different size pieces, used over and over again. Today you buy the Lego Castle or the Lego ATV. The child puts it together, copying the picture on the box (that is, if he can without your help). It’s done, and there it sits. Now what? The put-together toys that come without the template are the one that beg the child to create his own masterpiece. They are the ones that invite the child to keep inventing, playing long after the “playing stage” is reputed to be over.

I love loose parts. I know they wreak havoc on playroom clean up—all those pieces strewn about. But it is from loose parts that the imagination’s-wanderings come to life. And it is from loose parts that ideas and inventions are born. Loose parts come in all materials, all shapes, all sizes. They are lengths of tubes or bendy wire, holiday card fronts, scraps of fabric, of ribbon, of wood, empty food boxes, useless keys. Teachers know how to view other people’s trash as classroom treasures. So should you. They are the seeds of resourcefulness and creation.

And the next time UPS truck rolls up with your delivery, get ready . You can have the TV because the real fun is in the box.

Put that tantrum in a public place—a restaurant, the grocery store, the school lobby—and you can add embarrassment, fear, and frustration to your own list of feelings.  The ante is upped.

Believe it or not, tantrums are typical of children all over the world, and they look pretty much the same wherever you go.  I have never heard of a child who makes it through childhood without having a least a few.

At its root, a tantrum is a result of frustration. Whether it is something the child can’t have, can’t do, can’t express, or just can’t tolerate, he is frustrated. His aspirations outweigh his ability. He wants to make all the decisions. He wants what he wants right now!

Couple that with “Lousy Local Conditions” and it’s the perfect storm.  Lousy Local Conditions occur when the environment sabotages the child’s ability to be his best self. Whether he is tired or over tired, hungry, exhausted from your errands, tuckered out from too many birthday parties, too many play-dates, not enough naps, or just missing his traveling parent so much, he is spent. We all know how it feels when your resources are exhausted.

Tantrums rarely occur at convenient times or locations. And they are usually cumulative. The last straw is just the right excuse to let off steam.

Just remember, more often than not, your child did not choose his agenda. His agenda chose him. Tantrums are a part of normal development.

Here’s How to deal with tantrums (when the train has left the station!):

Mind your own emotions.  While the tantrum may make you furious, your anger won’t help; it will only make it worse. The mirror neurons in a person’s brain cause him to match the emotions of the person with whom he is interacting. He will rise to your emotions.  Stay calm, overly calm. It will help to bring him down as well as model that his explosion will not change your behavior or the outcome of the problem.

Keep it safe.   Don’t allow the child hurt herself or anyone else. Clear the area so it is safe place and keep her from damaging her own or anyone else’s possessions. You may need to physically move your child if the tantrum is happening in a place that isn’t safe.

Stay close.   The child in a tantrum feels out of control, so your presence can give her the grounding she needs. But do not interact or talk to the child. Read a magazine, look at your smart phone, but ignore the child. You may calmly say, “I will talk with you when you are all done with your tantrum (melt down).” Then just wait.

The train has left the station.  Once a tantrum has begun, you cannot stop it. It has to run its course. Sometimes that means 2 minutes and sometimes it means 10. Wait it out. No distractions, no talking. The tantrum will ebb and flow until it naturally comes to its own end. Let that happen.

Avoid premature comfort.  Often as a result of the parent’s own discomfort, he tries to calm the child before his feelings are fully expressed. Don’t do it. It won’t work anyway. In addition, it gives the child he message that he needs you, the parent, to make it all better, that you will remove his frustrations. That’s just not the case. He must learn to tolerate his frustrations. A big part of growing up is learning that tantrums don’t work.

The end save.  You can tell when the tantrum is winding down. Then and only then can you say, “Do you need a hug?” or suggest a paradigm shift, “Let’s go outside and see if there are any squirrels.” Sometimes doing so helps a child to save face and move to a calm place.

With the older child, do a revisit.  When you have some distance from the event, an hour or more after, you need to talk about what happened.  “Boy, we really had a hard time in the grocery store. You were so angry at me. Can you tell me more about what was going on?”  After she has the chance to explain her frustration and use language rather than a meltdown to describe how she was feeling, you can say, “You get so angry at me when I won’t buy you what you want. Is there a way we can make it easier for you when we go to the market?” And then you can add, “I can promise you that having a meltdown in the grocery store will never get you what you want.”   Be sure to give her an opportunity to have the experience again, but it will be successful this time. Then praise the behavior.

When in public, your child is your priority.   While it is embarrassing and you wish the earth would open and swallow you up, forget the public, and deal with your tantrumming child. Regardless of his age, get to his level, calmly and firmly state, “This behavior needs to stop or we will leave.” Since it is unlikely that this will work with a little one, be prepared to leave your shopping and immediately take your child outside. In your car or outside, wait for the tantrum/melt down to run its course. Only then will you LEAVE the scene of the crime and go home. No second chances on this one.

When in a restaurant, remove your tantrumming child immediately. You may re-enter only if the child has completely calmed down and knows that such outbursts will not be tolerated in the restaurant. Otherwise, it’s take-out for you; rice cakes for him! When you get home, be sure to give your child no attention. Food yes; attention no.

In both cases, the child will be reminded of what happened using a revisit. As soon as possible he should have a chance to have a successful experience at the grocery store or restaurant, having been reminded of what behavior is expected.

The two questions parents most want to know about tantrums and melt downs are 1) How do I deal with them, and 2) When will they stop?  The first has been addressed. The answer to the second depends on you and your child. But know that, Lousy Local Conditions aside, tantrums must never work. The sooner the child realizes this reality, the sooner they will end.

In seminars across the country, parents flock to learn how to keep their children safe.  While our world is set up for safety, with people whose specific job is safety (police officers, fire fighters, crossing guards, security guards), with laws and measures whose purpose is safety and well-being (seatbelts, inoculations, hand washing),  no one is ever completely safe, including our children. For this reason alone,  we must “prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child” as I have drilled countless times.

 How do we arm our children without alarming them?

From as young as two years old, children need to be taught safety measures that fall under the category of “Family Safety Rules.”  Safety seminars have long lists  of these rules that become part of a child’s everyday life—from children under 10 years not answering the front door without an adult to how to walk safely to school.  But there is more–these are basic safety behaviors for all children and for adults.

 Children need to pay attention to their gut

Children need to be taught to pay attention to their feelings and their instincts about people and environments. This is a tough one because children’s development and temperament influence their feelings and behaviors. The “shy” child recoils when someone looks at him funny;  the child with separation anxiety sees all people through the intruder filter. Children need to learn to pay attention when something makes them feel uncomfortable, to notice when things seems different, unusual, strange, maybe not as they should be, or even just new. And then they need to tell a parent or a different adult. The adult will sort it out.

After the fact, one Miramonte student reported that the teacher in question was her only teacher who ever locked his door. That was different and should have been reported.

Two other children did report to their counselor that their teacher had his hands under his desk in his lap a lot; they thought it was strange.  Good for them!  But they were not heard or honored.

 Adults need to listen to children

Children do not lie about these sorts of things. While they may not be giving an accurate description, they do not lie.  It is a parent’s, teacher’s, school administrator’s job to hear the child, regardless of what he is saying.  Too often an adult downplays or disregards a child’s comment, thinking it can’t be so. Sometimes the adult is deaf to something he doesn’t want to hear, even responding with anger.  We want our children to talk to us, so we must listen to them and welcome their observations and comments.

As my colleague, Dr. Ian Russ, says, “Children always tell the truth. You just have to figure out what the truth means.”  The Miramonte school counselor did not do her job. She should have applauded the children’s stepping forward and dug deeper to discover what their truth was. Clearly, it was not their imagination.

 Children’s feelings should not be undermined.

Saying “You shouldn’t feel that way”  or “Oh c’mon, that didn’t scare you” teaches a child not to trust his own feelings and perceptions.  In order to pay attention to his gut, a child’s feelings must be honored.

 Communication is the key

Even “important” people, those in authority positions or trusted adults, might give a child a funny feeling or behave in unusual or unexpected ways—clergy, coaches, teachers, relatives, neighbors.  No matter who it is who causes “that feeling” in the child, a different adult needs to be told.    

Ask a child what he did at school and you will hear “Nothing “ or “I played.” Sharing the news of his day is often not a child’s strong suit. But in order for adults to keep children safe, they need to know what is happening. A child must be clear that adults always want to hear what is going on, even the things that make the child uncomfortable or worried, big or small. Welcome the communication, regardless of the size or importance. You will be the judge.

 While your parents may have believed that children should be seen and not heard, today’s children must be seen and heard. It is the key to their safety.

The mom of a 17 year old shared the story of taxi-ing her newly minted driver-daughter and a friend to a party.  After the mom stopped at the corner sign, the friend exclaimed, “Wow! You came to a full stop.  My mom always rolls through them.”

Your kids learn to how drive long before they are learning to drive.  In the same way that you model behaviors of all kinds, so do you teach your child how be safe on the road, how to operate a lethal weapon called a car, and how to be a driver. 

The mandatory driving lessons and practice time behind the wheel teach a teen how to operate the vehicle. But how does she learn driving behaviors and habits, ones that will help keep her safe on the road? These are the lessons that your child starts absorbing as soon as she can climb into his car seat all by herself.

 For anyone who drives with a child in the car, there are five particular areas that are worthy of your attention, whether your child is 4 years or 14…because is he watching. 

1. Obey all the traffic rules. Sounds obvious, I know. But if you are in the habit of rolling through that stop sign, if you make risky left turns, if you speed up to make it through the yellow light, guess what you are teaching your one-day-to-be driver? You can preach the importance of obeying the traffic rules, but your own rule-following teaches the real lesson.
2. Never drink and get behind the wheel.  Everyone knows this one, and evidence shows that a parent’s admonitions, real life examples of resultant tragedies, and the parent’s own modeling are all crucial teachers. But if it’s okay for you to have just one glass of wine and then drive, it will be okay for your child to do the same. Don’t do it. And in front of your child, state that Mommy is not driving because I had a beer.
3. Do not touch your handheld device.   Even in Bluetooth enabled cars, drivers are distracted by their smart phones—texting, locating numbers, looking at calendars while driving. Your kids are watching you. Even if you text at a stoplight, not only are you tempting fate, but you are shouting the message that it is okay to do so. Don’t…ever!
4. Driving is not hands free.  Men shave in the car; women put on makeup with one hand. My husband saw a man practicing with drum sticks on the steering wheel as he drove.  A mom admitted to me, “I totaled a car because I was eating as I drove.” Don’t model multi-tasking while driving.  Your children need to see you give 100% of your attention and all of your body to the task at hand:  driving.
5. Drive patiently. Even those of us who are challenged by patience, must cultivate a driver personality that embraces it. Road rage leads nowhere good. Honking, calling other drivers names, berating the woman who cut you off is not likely the driver personality you want your child to imitate.

Parenting a child who drives a car requires a kind of trust and letting go for which nothing can prepare you. You can’t control the world—all the other drivers— in order for your child to be safe. But by your own driving behavior, you can teach your child to be a sane and smart driver, a lesson he will not learn in driving school. It’s not too soon. Start now.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t many things I could or should change about myself. In fact, the list is embarrassingly long, and it would take many New Years to work my way through it, failure after failure.

Recently I watched a TED Talk about mindfulness and gratitude.  (http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.html#.Tu )  I have watched many of these talks, but this one—Louie Schwartzberg—blew me away. It sparked in me the closest thing to a resolution that I will have ever made: pay attention.  The good news is that the advice is nothing new. Being aware is something not only that I practice in my life but also that I preach in my work– mindful parenting.

Over the years I have met hundreds of parents. Some are helpless; some just stuck; some misguided; some are uber-confident.  The most effective parents share one trait: they are mindful.  Mindful parenting starts with keeping your eyes wide open. It’s like the flower’s growth revealed by time-lapse photography—your children blossom before your eyes every day, but only if you tune in.

Parenting effectively is an outgrowth of acting in thoughtful (as in, full of thought) and deliberate ways. Mindful parents think about what they do and say; they don’t shoot from the hip. You know those times when you open your mouth and out pops your father and the exact words you swore you would never spew?
It doesn’t mean that your deliberate actions will necessarily yield the desired behavior from your child. (We are talking about people, after all.) It does mean that you will eventually get there because you are observing, thinking, evaluating; you are parenting actively. Mindful parents think about and take responsibility for their actions with their children, and they make course corrections.

 In his talk, Schwartzberg shares a taste of his Happiness Revealed Project. It is breathtaking. In the piece, the older gentleman implores us to open our eyes to each day, “…It is not just another day; it is a day that was given to you. It’s a gift, a gift that was given to you right now.”  And so it is with your children. Each day you have with your child is a gift. You have just one life with each, so don’t let it get away. Pay attention and be mindful. You don’t have to resolve to do it; just do it. It’s right there in front of you.

Last week on the bike path at the beach, a family strolled by all dressed in saris and clothing native to India.  The warm, sunny day brought out people in all manner of beach and sports attire, but only this family was fully covered head to toe in brightly colored, diaphanous fabric, and they stood out. They were different, and I noticed.

Recently at lunch at a hip restaurant in town, I was seated next to a woman dressed very much like a man—crew cut hair, dark pleated slacks, white tailored dress shirt, vest.  She was different from the other diners, and I noticed.

Starting from an early age, children need to learn that different isn’t necessarily good or bad…it’s just different.  When a four year old sees a woman with an unusually big nose (or who is unusually tall or in a wheel chair or has waist length dreadlocks), she blurts out, “Mommy, look that lady’s big nose!”  She’s not accustomed to seeing noses that look like that. It’s different. And it draws her attention for that reason.  Your reaction is among the child’s first lessons about difference. “Yes, you’re right. That woman’s nose is bigger than you have seen. Do you notice how I am using a quiet voice to talk about it?  We don’t know how she feels about her nose, so we don’t want to hurt her feelings. We’ll talk about it when we leave the grocery store.” And later, “People have all different size noses, don’t they? But they’re people with  feelings just the same.”

Children who are raised in climates that model and require tolerance and acceptance of difference will carry that lesson wherever they go. They learn not to judge and measure based on adherence to the norm.  They learn that different is just different. Judgment shouldn’t have a role.

Children also learn the importance of kindness and caring for the feelings of others when difference is noted.  Your reaction certainly teaches that lesson. Something may seem different, even funny or odd or out of place, but that is only your feeling. Regardless of your perception, it isn’t acceptable to hurt someone else’s feelings.

All of the environments in which children live—home, school, sports fields,  karate and dance studios—impact our growing children’s attitudes and behaviors.  Their comfort level with difference and their response to it, their consideration of others, are shaped everywhere they go and by the people who share the space.  When a child hears a parent comment in disgust, “Will you look at her hair!” not only is judgment being modeled, but so is intolerance.  When the environments inhabited by children promote a culture of acceptance, so children will learn that difference is just a part of normal.

This blog is the second in a series being written in response to the trial of  Brandon McInerney, the teen  who is on trial for shooting Larry King, a fellow student who was a cross dresser.

Most children really do want their parents to be proud of them, proud for a variety of reasons. While we don’t actually remember the many times that they were, it is the composite of all those moments that contribute to the child feeling significant in his parents’ eyes. This is just one of the ways that a child feels connected to his parents.  But how well children remember the times when their parents are not proud. Being disappointed in your child, communicating that he hasn’t met your expectations is powerful stuff. And it becomes etched in his psyche forever. As such it should be the exception, not the rule.

Like wild fire, the Wall Street Journal article Why Chinese Mother’s Are Superior by Amy Chua flew through cyberspace last week.  I was sent this article by many clients, each of whom was eager for my reaction. Frankly, I got pretty sick of talking about it in my parenting groups, with individual clients, at the gym, and wherever I went. I saw Amy Chua on The Today Show, on CNN, everywhere.  Enough!

Then today as I was preparing a presentation on The Plague of Perfectionism, I realized that so many of my perfectionism caveats hit the nail on Tiger Mom’s head.  I had to respond.

Here are just some of the characteristics of people who suffer from perfectionism:

• Have exceptionally high expectations and goals for themselves and condemn themselves when they don’t achieve them.
• Have anxiety about making mistakes
• Are highly sensitive to criticism
• Have trouble making decisions
• Avoid trying new things for fear of failure
• Procrastinate or leave work unfinished out of fear it won’t be good enough.
• Focus on their mistakes, rather than on what they did well.

The similarities between children who are perfectionistic and children who have been raised in the dens similar to the Tiger Mom’s are undeniable. Stories abound of those raised with such pressure and stress who crashed and burned as teens, who ran in the other direction as soon as they left home, or who reached adulthood incapable of achieving without the structure or motivation provided by their parents (or another adult.) These are children who grow up to have little sense of their success being of their own making.  They were doing what they groomed to do, following someone else’s dreams.

Of course there are those who make it, who experience the success prescribed by their parents. But at what price?  Growing up is a journey, a long, wild, and wonderful journey. It can be a full quarter or third of a person’s life. Should it be filled with unrelenting efforts to achieve, with pressure and stress and a constant drone of work, achieve, perform, strive, climb, more, more, more?

The pathway of childhood should be cobbled with so many things—the acquisition of skills and tools to be used in future learning, with experiences of all kinds, with joy and happiness and adventure. Along the way, children will cultivate the values and characteristics promoted in their homes.  Children need the freedom to explore and find their own pathways. Growing up is not a forced march.

When the lights came on in the theater after the Saturday matinee, I stood up and said to the other 20 people in the pathetically empty theater, “Am I the only one who is crying?” Maybe it was the ending piece about teen suicide, or maybe the clear message just bore a hole in my heart: What are we doing to our kids?

It seems appropriate to write about the topic, as school engines are revving all over the country. Children are ramping up: Pristine notebooks, perfect pencils with virgin erasers, and daily planners filling up. On your mark, get set…And then what happens? More and more classes and homework and lessons and practices and pressure and stress.

Is growing up really a race?

Somewhere along the line, we are blowing it. As the movie powerfully and poignantly depicts, our children are the losers. In an effort to put them in a winning position, we are actually handicapping them. Their health, well being, happiness are in jeopardy. Recent research has looked at the effects of stress on growing children, on their developing minds. And it is looking at the pace of life that may contribute to the rise in adolescent psychiatric and health problems. What has happened to education? And what has become of childhood?

Race to Nowhere brings the issues into sharp focus. The film questions classroom demands, homework, insane schedules, kids’ overflowing plates, sleep deprivation, peer competition, and parental expectations…to name just a few of the issues plaguing kids today. If nothing else, after taking your breath away, it will cause you to think and evaluate what is going on in your child’s school, in his life, and what goes on under your own roof. You may not think so, but there are choices.

Does your child exist in a home/school/ peer culture that demands participation in all of it…basketball, soccer, baseball, tennis, underwater basket weaving, internships, clubs, community service, charity? Does he have time to process what he has learned, real down time? Is homework more important than family time, more important than sleep?

Our schools and our culture are promoting the misguided notion that childhood is a race. And our children are running so hard and so fast that they are not only missing the experience, but they are putting themselves at risk. When they get to the end, if not on the road, they collapse. And what for? What is actually at that finish line? Is it a race to nowhere?

As I have said over and over, it is no accident that when parents are pregnant, they are “expecting.” Are your expectations for your children realistic for them? Are your expectations based on your child or on you? Is your child living his dreams or yours? Whose race is it?

Education is a process, and childhood is a journey. When they are in a constant state of pressure and stress there is no time for process, and the journey is missed. Children need standing time, just like the potato after it has baked in the microwave.

As the school year begins, take the time to consider what messages you are giving your child:

• Is “What do you have for homework?” the way you greet your child after school?
• How many extracurricular activities do you allow, even encourage?
• Does your child have a bedtime? Is finishing homework more important than
sticking to the bedtime?
• Do meals happen in the car, on the go?

After seeing Race to Nowhere you just might rethink your answers to these questions.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

But the cute is not what stuck with me. Several days later, I am thinking about the stark contrast in the way the Japanese and the American babies were parented compared to the African and Mongolian babies.  The African baby was gnawing on a fat stick he plucked out of the dirt. Splinters, dirt, ants, fungus…yuck! Obviously teething, he chewed away. Flash to the sanitized environment of the American baby in his Parent and Me class, daddy swaying to the song about Mother Earth, as they sat on their acrylic carpet squares.

Then there was the Mongolian baby who appeared to have more animals than adults in his life. Like self rising flour, he seemed to be raising himself amidst the raw life on the plain.  He crawls through the obstacle course provided by the legs of  a herd of calves, and the audience waits for him to be trampled.  Contrast that scene to the Japanese baby who is under the constant eye of her mommy or daddy or Gymboree teacher, getting her prescribed movement experience.

In the past weeks as I have launched my new book, I have been speaking to parents all over the country. Among the many points I aim to make, is the need for parents to let go of their death grip.  How can young children ever cultivate independence and self reliance if parents are holding on so tightly? Children need to struggle and fall in order to learn how to pick themselves up and survive.  Dr. Spock said, “A child who has not been well bandaged has not been well parented.”

I am not suggesting that you place your children’s dinner of mush down on the floor and let them all go for it in a giant feeding frenzy, including smushing the white goo on the youngest sibling’s head. Nor am I condoning a child sharing his bath water with the family goat. I am abundantly grateful for all that we, in our disease free, safety precaution filled America, are able to offer our children. But Babies sure made me think twice about the good parts of what children learn when they are sometimes left alone.