When I was pondering the Introduction to my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, it occurred to me that all I really needed to write was one sentence:  Be the person you want your child to be. Four pages later, that didn’t happen. But I still believe it.  Children need to be surrounded by adults who live by and model the character traits and values that matter most if you want them to absorb those values.

 Last week a news story rocked the world of major league baseball.  Armondo Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers pitched a perfect game…almost.  By so doing he would have joined the elite ranks of a very few ball players in the history of the game. It was quite a feat. But he didn’t get credit for it; his accomplishment got derailed by an umpire’s call.  Now here is the amazing part of the story.  After the game had ended, umpire Jim Joyce stepped out in public to say that the call he had made which destroyed the perfect game, was in fact, wrong.  It was a bad call.  He had made a mistake.  No excuses. Bad call. Wow!

 The sports world went wild.  It wasn’t fair!  Galarraga was robbed!  He should have had that perfect game.  Everyone had an opinion. Here’s mine:  Bravo!

 Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it brings disappointment or embarrassment;  sometimes it feels bad, hurts someone’s feelings (albeit unintentionally) or cause someone to suffer consequences;  sometimes you are villainized.  But in the end, you are left with the best feeling of all:  You did the right thing. That means you get to awaken with a clear conscience. You can look at yourself in the mirror and stand tall. With all that you risk in making the tough call—doing the right thing—the greatest reward is your positive, authentic sense of yourself.

Our world is chock full of glaring examples of people who have not made the right choice. From Bernie Madoff to Lindsay Lohan, sports heroes to politicians, coaches to clergymen, friends to family members. They are everywhere, and our children hear about them. 

 But how often to we and our children hear about someone who has done the right thing? How often do people step up and admit their mistakes, without any excuses? Not often enough.  How can we expect our children to step up when the models in their lives do not?

Making a mistake is how children learn not to make that mistake. Being able to own that mistake is an important part of the process, part of the learning and the growing.

 You may be furious at Jim Joyce for raining on Armando Galarraga’s parade. He didn’t get his perfect game.   But he is my hero. Tell your kids about it.

It seems like there is something for everyone in this Winter Olympics, and it’s easy to become an addict. The entire event is packed with heart-racing excitement as well as examples of natural talent, acquired skill, and athleticism.  Don’t you just sit on the edge of your chair?

But there is more.  While I am a believer in limited screen time for children, especially commercial television, the Olympics are providing our children (and us) with important lessons and messages that are hard to find in daily life, making the screen time well worth it.  In fact, I think the Olympics give new meaning to the show title American Idol.

Did you watch Lindsay Vonn’s Gold Medal run in the Women’s Down Hill?  My heart raced right along with her skis.  Her elation upon winning was contagious.  And her cathartic tears as she described the extreme effort she put forth, the result of which was achieving her goal and her dream, told the tale. 

The same held true for Shaun White, the Red Tomato, and watching him was better than Cirque du Soleil!  A fellow snow boarder described the amount of effort and time he put into his perfecting his tricks and style, “We didn’t see him for a year.”

The athletes of the Olympics are providing just the kinds of heroes we want our kids to have: people who dream big, who set goals, who have passion and devotion, who take risks, who work incredibly hard, who sacrifice who give their all. 

Even though most of the events of the Olympics are individual, each athlete is part of a team, either a specific event team or the country team.  Watching each participant cheer for his team mates, sharing the successes and the disappointments, is a magnificent demonstration of empathy and team loyalty.  Sometimes you lose, but you really can be  thrilled that your teammate has won at the same time.

Some of the athletes reached the moon; but most did not. And that is an equally, if not more important message. You can set you sights high, you can give your very best effort and still not win the medal.  How often do our children get to see failure (of sorts), disappointment, modeled?  Not very often.   The athletes of the Olympics are models of sportsmanship. No tantrums and running away for them!  And the best part?  Those same skiers get up the next day, snap on their skis and try again…and again and again.

 If you haven’t shared the lessons of the Olympics, you still have a chance. Take the time to introduce your children to some real idols, American and all the others.

As young children grow, their interest in and experience with the winter holidays change. This includes learning that different people celebrate different holidays in different ways—Christmas,Chanukah, Kwanza to name just three.  It is well within the range of normal development for young children to want for their own anything and everything that appeals to them. With all the trappings of Christmas so prevalent, it is not unusual for a Jewish child to want to claim trees and lights and Santa for his own. Knowing that lots of Jewish families have this experience, I offer the following tips. 

• Keep your own feelings in check. If you feel sad or even guilty, as if you are depriving your child of something, (Santa for the Jewish child; 8 days of celebrating for the Christian child) your child will absorb those feelings. You need not feel guilty that Santa isn’t a part of your celebration.
• Take this opportunity to walk your child through her/his feelings of disappointment.  Life is filled with times when we can’t have it all.  Learning to accept that and allowing your child the opportunity to reflect those accompanying sad feelings  is a gift to him. You will be helping him to develop coping skills. And it will teach a tolerance for disappointment which is a life long lesson.
• Take pains not to position yourselves as Jews who are missing out on something. It needs to be about what you have and not what you don’t have! Be creative in your celebration of Chanukah. Create all kinds of family experiences, rituals and traditions. You have 8 days to celebrate, and on each of these you can do something different and special (a dreidle night; a baking night; a game night; a making-gifts-for-others night; a party with friends night; and a few gift nights, too.)   But don’t make up for the lack of Christmas by giving a gift every night. It only creates an insatiable thirst for getting more stuff and makes the holiday about gimme gimme gimme.
• Teach about Chanukah and tell the exciting story of the oil that lasted 8 days, the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem, the Macabees winning the battle.  There are super heroes and there is  magic in the story!  Do science experiments with fire and oil and candles.
• Make the holiday season more about give you than gimme. Give your child the gift of experiencing the good feelings that go along giving rather than getting. Create experiences that are all about sharing with others. Choose “Secret Elves” who do surprise acts of kindness or help for someone in the family, leaving a note that says “From your secret Elf!”  Ask your child to make a list of people whom he would like to honor with a gift (he has made). Do activities in which whole family participates, making cranberry bread or popcorn balls. Then give what you have made to those who don’t expect it (the crossing guard, the school janitor, etc..).  Create surprise coupons to give that are favors you will do for others. The list is endless!  
• Help your child to learn that you can love and appreciate something without bringing it into your home. You can get yourselves invited to a friends’ house to trim their tree. You can go to a Christmas tree lot and play hide and seek as you smell the delicious trees. You can pile in the car in your pj’s and search for Christmas lights all over the city.

The joy and richness of whichever winter holiday you celebrate comes through the traditions and rituals you create and repeat each year.  The best memories of the holidays come from family experiences you remember and cherish, not from gifts you receive nor from bringing Santa into your home. It’s never to late to begin again.

For the great majority of young children, the headlines about Tiger Woods will pass right over their heads.  But for the child whose parents or older siblings are hyper tuned into sports, who overhears the news or casual conversation, for the child who is focused on sports and sports news or who is a budding golfer, he just may hear that another hero has fallen. What the heck does a parent say?

 We have been through this kind of revelation too many times before. With sports stars and politicians…President Clinton, John Edwards, and Koby Bryant, to name just a few. There is never a right answer. How does a parent explain poor judgment, poor choices, unethical or immoral behavior?

 Just like the others before, this is a tricky one. It makes even the most confident parent sweat. And it brings up many different issues and questions. Rather than to try to offer answers to the touchy questions which could spring forth, I offer the Tiger Woods story as another opportunity to talk with your children about real life.  It is an opportunity to have multiple conversations on a variety of topics, many starting points listed below. At the very least, this latest, disappointing news gives you an opening to underscore your personal beliefs and values. Those are the ones you pray your child takes with him into adulthood.

• Do you always believe what you read in the paper or in print?
• Do you believe all of what you hear on the news?
• Can we really know the whole story? (about Tiger or anyone else)
• What is gossip?
• What happens to the victims of gossip?

• What is a hero?
• Who are your heroes and why?
• How do people get to be heroes?
• Do we expect more from heroes than from regular folk?
• Do heroes have an obligation to behave in certain ways?
• Does having a lot of money make people happy?
• Does having a lot of money give someone permission to do things that are immoral or illegal?

• Is there such thing as a perfect person?

• What is the difference between a mistake and a bad choice?
• How do people learn from these?

• What is forgiveness?
• Should people who make bad choices be forgiven?
• Should people who make mistakes be forgiven?

• Do “famous people” ever have a “private life?”

• What does marriage mean? (Here is your chance to talk about the sacredness and the obligation of marriage vows)
•  What does trust mean?

 If you child asks what Tiger did, depending upon the child’s age, the starting point is  “It is reported that Tiger was having a close relationship with a woman who was not his wife.”  Remember to follow your child’s lead and do not offer more than he has asked. Less is likely enough.  Not answering or avoiding the question will give your child a different, stronger message. That message will be about your willingness to communicate with him. Children whose parents answer their questions will come back with more questions.

 I don’t envy any parent having to discuss infidelity. But I believe that it is only a small part of the discussion.   There is so much more to be learned from this and from all the other fallen hero news stories.  Take advantage…but only if your child brings it up first.