It had been a work week filled with families who had lots of heavy issues, and I was drained. A relaxed, peaceful dinner out with my husband was just a parking spot away. Our destination— a lovely, local restaurant, upscale but informal, delicious martinis, and no kids’ menu.  At last.

 But the characteristic low lights and calm of the Oak Room were punctured by the incessant whining of a four year old boy.  “I haaaaate that salad.”  Groan…there went my respite.

 I am not sure when it became acceptable to take young children to restaurants,  I am sure that it has become more and more common.  Children of all ages–infants and toddlers, antsy first graders and even sour fifth graders–have become part of the adult restaurant landscape…complete with the ants in their pants, their complaints about there not being the right kind of pizza, and the whining about it taking toooo long.

 It might be true that your child is perfectly well behaved in restaurants of all kinds, that he has developed a mature palate from eating so much sushi, that he has the patience of an adult…but your child is the exception. 

 Restaurants can be the epitome of  lousy local conditions for children of all ages. The behavioral expectations of the restaurant setting are often a reach for them:  sit still; do not get out of your seat; keep you voice down; don’t play with the condiments or silverware; don’t bother your brother; don’t use your fingers; put your napkin on your lap.  The food at restaurants challenges the typical child’s palate:  “I only eat blue box macaroni and cheese!”  “Don’t let the foods touch!” “It doesn’t taste good!”  “I only like the other nuggets!”  “I changed my mind, I don’t want that!”    And the timing is off: children are accustomed to fast food, that is, “Go-wash-your- hands- your-dinner-is-ready” fast. No ordering and waiting.  And they like to eat at their regular meal time.

 More often than not, children are set up for failure in a restaurant. It is, simply stated, not the way they are accustomed to having meals. And children like it the way they like it.

 Then there is everyone else. While I promise you I love your children (and I really do genuinely love children), there is a place, time, and extent to my love.  When adults go out to dine, their anticipated experience includes the adult ambiance of the restaurant.  If they wanted to dine with children, they would likely go to Chucky Cheese.

 In deciding whether to bring or not to bring your child to the restaurant, ask yourself whose needs are being met.  Are you setting your child up to be successful?  Will it be a happy, stress free time for all of you? Will anyone else’s dining experience be affected by your child’s presence? 

 Sometimes tuna fish sandwiches with a side of macaroni and cheese are a much better choice for everyone.

While I cannot take credit for inventing the expression lousy local conditions, I use it all the time. It’s just so right-on-the-button.

Lousy local conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. The child who has missed a nap or a meal, who went to sleep late or woke up too early, who has been dragged on too many errands, who has attended one birthday party too many, who had a bad day at school, a fight with a friend, will reflect those lousy local conditions in his behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two-year-old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her coffee-table china tea set. Your seven year old is not likely to treat his sibling with kindness when his best friend excluded him at recess.  The child’s environment sabotages his ability to behave in the way you expect.

When your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or meltdown, when he is unusually uncooperative or just plain icky, it can easily be the result of lousy local conditions.  Often taking a guess, laced heavily with empathy, goes a long way with an older child. With the younger child, you may just need to get through it and plan better next time.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points regardless of his age, will certainly help in avoiding meltdowns, tantrums, and icky behavior. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children are affected different lousy local conditions.

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. This, coupled with acknowledging the lousy local conditions, will make your days together a little brighter.

It’s not likely that your car arrived factory equipped with a chauffeur’s screen, the one you flip up at the touch of a button. So, what the heck is a parent to do when the kids’ fighting in the back seat drives you nuts.

 To your kids, the back seat of a car is home sweet home. Just like they misbehave more, when they are at home, so do they squabble more  in the car. ..when you are there!  I am quite sure that your fellow carpool driver never complains that your child bickers with the other kids when she drives. Siblings fight in the car because it is just like home. In the familiar setting, the one in which the child is the most comfortable, in which he is sure of your love, he will practice his worst behavior. Your car is no different.

 And in the car you, dear parent, are a captive audience. What your child wants most of all is your attention…negative or positive. Truth be told, he is sure to get your attention when he bugs his brother.  Add to that the close quarters of the car and you have a perfect battlefield – all the ingredients for backseat bickering.

 Here are a few tips for lessening the backseat bickering:

•  Don’t be an audience. When at all possible, ignore your children’s car fights. Even one comment, one threat, one sigh, or one eye roll count as your attention.  Ignore! Ignore!  Ignore!
• Ignore the fighting, not the children. When in the car pay animated and interested attention to the children when they are not fighting. They’ll get the message.
• The issue is the noise, not the fight.  Be clear about it: “In order for me to drive safely, you need to use quieter voices in the car. I need to be able to concentrate on my driving.”  
• Accept no tattling.  Do not receive any complaints about who did what to whom or who did it first. No blaming. Pay attention only to the elevated noise that undermines you being a safe driver. “Your fighting is not my business. Your loud voices, however, are a distraction. I cannot drive safely when you are so noisy. It needs to stop now.”
• Be consistent in your reactions. You need to react in the same way every time it happens,  if you expect your children to learn you mean business. You can’t tolerate the bickering noise one day and blow your top the next.
• If the noise of the bickering is driving you nuts:  Pull over to the side of the road. Get out of the car and open the back door. Without anger but with utter seriousness say to your children, “I cannot drive safely when you are making so much noise. It needs to stop now.” Hopefully, they will be shocked enough to stop.
• If the bickering persists:  Pull over one more time. Get out of the car, once more open the back door and say, “I will not drive this car until the noisy fighting stops.”  Then step away from the car, still within full view of the kids, and busy yourself. Clean out your wallet, work on your Blackberry, read old grocery receipts… but ignore the kids. Give it a few minutes, and when things have settled down, get back in and continue on your way. No comments. They will get your message loud and clear.
• If your car has a third row, you have the option of moving a child’s seat.  When two children are unable to sit peacefully next to one another, they lose the privilege of doing so. Move one booster or car seat to the back, or assign one child a new seat. Ignore the complaints.
• Tell them, “Sit on your hands.” This is a crazy cure, but it is distracting enough that it works.  Before all heck breaks loose, as you sense things deteriorating, tell you children to “Sit on your hands.”  It’s so silly and takes so much effort that it stops the fighting action.

While I cannot take credit for inventing the expression, “lousy local conditions,” I use it all the time. It’s just so right-on-the-button.

Lousy Local Conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. Children who went to sleep late or work up too early, who have missed a nap or a meal, who have been dragged on too many errands, who have attended one birthday party too many, will reflect those lousy local conditions in their behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two year old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her precious china tea set that sits on the coffee table. The environment sabotages his ability to behave. Your three-year-old will not be too willing to clean up the play room after a wild, napless afternoon with three playmates too many. Your five-year-old isn’t likley to “ask nicely” or speak respectfully after staying up until midnight watching the ball game.

Sometimes a child has tantrums, lots of them, because that’s the stage he’s in. He’s learning to assert himself and is intoxicated by his own power. When he is frustrated in his quest, look out for a tantrum. But when your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or melt down, when he is unusually uncooperative, or he’s just plain icky, it is often the result of lousy local conditions.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points will go a long way in avoiding tantrums and mishbehaviors. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children react to different lousy local conditions. (By the way, some grown ups do too!)

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. Then keep in mind the environment that could morph into lousy local conditions, and you will head down the pathway towards taming the tantrums, melt downs, and icky behaviors.