“Coach Accused of Punching Son”  The headline in the LA Times caught my eye.  A youth baseball coach is facing a simple assault charge for punching his 9 year old son in the face after the boy was ejected from a game.  Are they kidding? I read it again.  [Coach’s name] of suburban Harrisburg was charged after he allegedly struck his son twice with a closed fist…  I read it one more time to make sure I was reading it correctly. Yep, that’s what it said alright.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

I watched Derek and his son washing my car, as I stood at the sink, molding patties for our bar-b-que that night. They were having an animated discussion about something, lots of back and forth over the top of my car. The son is really tall at 15, just like his dad.

 Derek does all kinds of work on cars, and on the weekends he and his son keep my car and those of lots of my neighbors in tip-top shape. He’s a really interesting guy. We talk basketball, healthcare reform, the state of LA city schools. You name it, we have chewed on it.

 This is an amazing scene, I thought as I was transfixed on this father and son team.  Every single Saturday and Sunday they spend at least 16 hours together, washing, waxing, detailing cars.  I wondered if they knew how lucky they both are, if they appreciate the significance of their hours together every single weekend. I left my kitchen perch. “Hey guys. I have been watching you two yakking it up, and I just wanted to tell you how cool I think it is to see a father and son working together, chatting it up, chewing the fat, schmoozing. Do you know how great that is?”   They both just smiled, nodded, and were silent.  And then the son said, “My dad and I are really close. We talk about everything.”

 How many dads would, seriously, trade places with Derek?

 Derek added, “Last week I was doing this guy’s car and he came out to show me his new Rolex and to tell about the car he was thinking about buying.  I have it so much better than he does,” Derek said with total conviction. I punctuated his comment with my two cents, “No one ever lies on his death bed wishing he had worked harder at the office or earned more money.”  Derek knew just what I was talking about.

 Derek has been bringing his son with him to work on cars on the weekends since he was five years old.  As his son grew up, Derek discovered that he really valued his son’s help. They were a team in getting the work done. Soon another brother is going to be joining them on the job. Ten years ago when this father-son team first got going, Derek didn’t know the gift he was giving his son and himself.

 We know how important fathers are in the lives of children. Their involved, active participation in their kids’ daily lives influences all aspects of their development, from social skills to cognitive development. There’s lots of research to support this reality.  But influence isn’t just occasional.  Derek is impacting his sons’ lives every single day and most especially on the weekends.

 Can you imagine what kind of fathers Derek’s sons will be? Can you imagine how they will describe their own relationships with their dad as they were growing up?  Now would you trade places with Derek?

 When I was pondering the Introduction to my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, it occurred to me that all I really needed to write was one sentence:  Be the person you want your child to be. Four pages later, that didn’t happen. But I still believe it.  Children need to be surrounded by adults who live by and model the character traits and values that matter most if you want them to absorb those values.

 Last week a news story rocked the world of major league baseball.  Armondo Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers pitched a perfect game…almost.  By so doing he would have joined the elite ranks of a very few ball players in the history of the game. It was quite a feat. But he didn’t get credit for it; his accomplishment got derailed by an umpire’s call.  Now here is the amazing part of the story.  After the game had ended, umpire Jim Joyce stepped out in public to say that the call he had made which destroyed the perfect game, was in fact, wrong.  It was a bad call.  He had made a mistake.  No excuses. Bad call. Wow!

 The sports world went wild.  It wasn’t fair!  Galarraga was robbed!  He should have had that perfect game.  Everyone had an opinion. Here’s mine:  Bravo!

 Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it brings disappointment or embarrassment;  sometimes it feels bad, hurts someone’s feelings (albeit unintentionally) or cause someone to suffer consequences;  sometimes you are villainized.  But in the end, you are left with the best feeling of all:  You did the right thing. That means you get to awaken with a clear conscience. You can look at yourself in the mirror and stand tall. With all that you risk in making the tough call—doing the right thing—the greatest reward is your positive, authentic sense of yourself.

Our world is chock full of glaring examples of people who have not made the right choice. From Bernie Madoff to Lindsay Lohan, sports heroes to politicians, coaches to clergymen, friends to family members. They are everywhere, and our children hear about them. 

 But how often to we and our children hear about someone who has done the right thing? How often do people step up and admit their mistakes, without any excuses? Not often enough.  How can we expect our children to step up when the models in their lives do not?

Making a mistake is how children learn not to make that mistake. Being able to own that mistake is an important part of the process, part of the learning and the growing.

 You may be furious at Jim Joyce for raining on Armando Galarraga’s parade. He didn’t get his perfect game.   But he is my hero. Tell your kids about it.

I guess my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, came out too late for the mom who wrote in the  Two Cents Worth column of my local newspaper:

 I think the [delete name] Pony Baseball Association should consider eliminating playoffs for the younger players (Pintos).  My Pinto player’s team has already lost and it was devastating for him and me. Age 7, 8, and 9 is too early for that kind of serious competition.

 There are so many parts to this letter on which I could and should comment. However, for now I just want to focus on the phrase  “…it was devastating for him and me.”  Was this child’s team’s loss in a Little League play-off game really devastating to the mother?  Wow. That was a big investment she must have been putting in her child’s extracurricular activity.

 It is no coincidence that when a couple is pregnant, it is said that they are “expecting.”  Your child is born loaded with all your expectations.  You expect him to be an artist or an athlete or a math whiz. You expect him to be friendly, well mannered, and appropriate. You expect him to go to Harvard (just like you did.) It’s a wonder that he even able to pass through the birth canal, he is so laden with all your expectations!  And then he is born. Voila!  Your child is his own person. You are outgoing; he is slow-to-warm up. You are an athlete; he prefers more cerebral, sedentary activities.  You love reading; he would rather toss baskets hour after hour.  Do you love him any less?  Of course not.  Sooner or later you discover that your job is to raise your child to be who he is, not what you expect him to be.  The former just won’t work anyway.

 I am reminded of a relative who bounced from focus to focus in her schooling, each new field reflecting what she thought her parents wanted her to do. First she was pre med, then environmental studies, then English.  It took her forever, long after college, to figure out what she wanted to do.

 And then there are the children who are saddled with fulfilling their parents’ dreams.  Maybe your child will be the writer you weren’t, the tennis player you aren’t, the piano player you always wanted to be.  It is hard enough to live your own dreams without having to live those of your parents, too.

 Growing up is supposed to be seasoned with myriad experiences— happy, sad, thrilling, disappointing, and yes, devastating.  That’s how a child learns to survive those experiences, by having and getting through them. It is a necessary part of growing up. And yes, sometimes 7, 8, and 9 year olds lose in the first game of the play-offs. Every year brings a new season, just ask the Phoenix Suns.

  A parent’s job is to love and support her child through it all, to be a container for his feelings, but not add to his load with her own devastation. Likely he had enough just on his own and he would have weathered the reality just fine had his mother not added her own disappointment to his load.

 It’s hard not to love the movie Babies. That’s what I chose to do for my Mothers’ Day observance.  It was kind of like eating chocolate… all good! There were none of the not-so-fun parts of babies, like colic and diarrhea and sleepless nights. Just one oooo and ahhhhh after another.

 But the cute is not what stuck with me. Several days later, I am thinking about the stark contrast in the way the Japanese and the American babies were parented compared to the African and Mongolian babies.  The African baby was gnawing on a fat stick he plucked out of the dirt. Splinters, dirt, ants, fungus…yuck! Obviously teething, he chewed away. Flash to the sanitized environment of the American baby in his Parent and Me class, daddy swaying to the song about Mother Earth, as they sat on their acrylic carpet squares.

 Then there was the Mongolian baby who appeared to have more animals than adults in his life. Like self rising flour, he seemed to be raising himself amidst the raw life on the plain.  He crawls through the obstacle course provided by the legs of  a herd of calves, and the audience waits for him to be trampled.  Contrast that scene to the Japanese baby who is under the constant eye of her mommy or daddy or Gymboree teacher, getting her prescribed movement experience.

 In the past weeks as I have launched my new book, I have been speaking to parents all over the country. Among the many points I aim to make, is the need for parents to let go of their death grip.  How can young children ever cultivate independence and self reliance if parents are holding on so tightly? Children need to struggle and fall in order to learn how to pick themselves up and survive.  Dr. Spock said, “A child who has not been well bandaged has not been well parented.”

 I am not suggesting that you place your children’s dinner of mush down on the floor and let them all go for it in a giant feeding frenzy, including smushing the white goo on the youngest sibling’s head. Nor am I condoning a child sharing his bath water with the family goat. I am abundantly grateful for all that we, in our disease free, safety precaution filled America, are able to offer our children. But Babies sure made me think twice about the good parts of what children learn when they are sometimes left alone.

A Mother’s Day blog should be  meaningful, perhaps profound,  poignant, maybe a little sappy, and really chock full of platitudes about the importance of mothers.  It should be, but I am on a different journey.

 I was sitting in Disney Hall, watching the dynamic Gustavo Dudamel and listening to the brilliant Los Angeles Philharmonic with my dear friend, Freida Mock. I sat there thinking how angry I am that music education has been cut from public schools and how important it is that children be exposed to music of all kinds at the earliest age.  Exposure to music not only enriches our lives and speak to our souls, but education and experience with music actually affects a child’s neural development. Music is good for you!

 Freida feels as strongly about music and all the arts as I do. But her life is the arts; she is a documentary film maker. We were first friends because our kids went to nursery school together, trick-or-treated together, celebrated  birthdays together, shared vacations at Red Fish Lake together.

 Freida is a wonderful mother, but film is her life. Her family has traveled the world (literally), shooting films of all kinds in the most remote places. Their holiday cards each year have told the tale, the whole family in the most unexpected places, making movies.

 It should come as no surprise that Freida and Terry’s kids are both artists. In particular, Jessica is a film maker.  Stop right now and give yourself a treat. Follow this link and watch the incredible short film clip Jessica made for Sony.  http://www.jessicasandersfilm.com/sony_trailer.html   It will knock your socks off.

 What does this have to do with Mother’s Day, you ask?  Every time I watch Jessica’s film, I cry. It hits me in the mother place. Jessica is on her way to stardom because Freida followed her own passion. Jessica grew up absorbing her mother’s passion for film making.

 We mothers are told that we need to help our children find their passion. We are supposed to expose them to much so a flame will be ignited somewhere within them. Sure Jessica took ballet and played soccer. But she lived with her mother whose life was film, and that passion was caught. And now her pilot light has burst into full flame.

 How important it is that while we are busy being mothers—driving carpools, making lunches, cheering at  Little League,  and kissing boo boos– we must not lose our own passion.  While your children may not become film makers, they are witness to your passions, to your devotion to your own interests. 

 Mothers wear many hats, each of which looks good on them. While on Mother’s Day your mommy bonnet looks best of all, how good it is for your children to know how much you enjoy wearing them all, as you are defined by all of them.  What better model could there be for your children?

 Happy Mothers’ Day!

Last Sunday morning I stood on the corner of Sepulveda and Skirball Drive. Ten families with children of all ages in tow and I stood at the red light, eager to get to Milk and Bookies. (The glory of that charity event held this year at the Skirball is for another blog.) There were no cars anywhere in sight. Not a one as far as the eye could see. Yet everyone stood there, waiting for the light to change.  Good!

 I have been trying to process Julia Siegler’s tragic death all week long. Julia, who ran to catch her bus, crossing against the red light on Sunset, thought she could make it.  Julia’s horrible death was no one’s fault. There is no one to blame, much as everyone tried to point a finger. It was an accident. Julia could have been killed in a cross walk even if the light had been green. The fact is, she ran for it, against a red light.  And what we know is that often kids just don’t think. That’s the long and short of it.

 How many parents make a run for it, cross when the light is red, roll through the stop sign (“the California stop”), jay walk? Lots of us do. And we do it when our kids are in the car, in a stroller, or hurrying right along with us.  When I was a school director, I went out of my mind when parents made a run for it, jaywalking right across the perpetually trafficky Barrington Avenue at Olympic Boulevard, nursery school child in tow. Are you kidding?

 Every time we hurry through a yellow light turning red, roll through a stop, cross on a red, our children are watching. And what is the message? It’s okay…go for it! We’ll be fine.

What’s the hurry, I ask you. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll be late. Okay, you’ll be late. Next time you’ll leave a little earlier.  Well, I think in Julia’s death we know only too well what the worst is. It happened.   

 It’s time to slow down. Hurrying is enemy. Not only does it often undermine whatever we are trying to accomplish (C’mon. Hurry ! Hurry! We’re going to be late!), as your child slows to a snail’s pace, spikes growing out of the soles of his shoes, adhering him to the earth, but it puts us at risk.  Hurrying takes our attention away from the business at hand. If you are rushing to make the light, are you really thinking about all the possible hazards? 

There are no guarantees.  But maybe if we parents make it a habit to walk to the corner crosswalk, to wait for the light to turn green, to slow down, fate won’t be tempted. If it isn’t even an option then maybe, just maybe our kids will practice the same, never even considering to go against a red light.

There will be times when we need our kids to speed it up. But to quote the great John Wooden, “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”  Instead,  hurry up and slow down. If not for your sake, then for your children’s.

It seems like there is something for everyone in this Winter Olympics, and it’s easy to become an addict. The entire event is packed with heart-racing excitement as well as examples of natural talent, acquired skill, and athleticism.  Don’t you just sit on the edge of your chair?

But there is more.  While I am a believer in limited screen time for children, especially commercial television, the Olympics are providing our children (and us) with important lessons and messages that are hard to find in daily life, making the screen time well worth it.  In fact, I think the Olympics give new meaning to the show title American Idol.

Did you watch Lindsay Vonn’s Gold Medal run in the Women’s Down Hill?  My heart raced right along with her skis.  Her elation upon winning was contagious.  And her cathartic tears as she described the extreme effort she put forth, the result of which was achieving her goal and her dream, told the tale. 

The same held true for Shaun White, the Red Tomato, and watching him was better than Cirque du Soleil!  A fellow snow boarder described the amount of effort and time he put into his perfecting his tricks and style, “We didn’t see him for a year.”

The athletes of the Olympics are providing just the kinds of heroes we want our kids to have: people who dream big, who set goals, who have passion and devotion, who take risks, who work incredibly hard, who sacrifice who give their all. 

Even though most of the events of the Olympics are individual, each athlete is part of a team, either a specific event team or the country team.  Watching each participant cheer for his team mates, sharing the successes and the disappointments, is a magnificent demonstration of empathy and team loyalty.  Sometimes you lose, but you really can be  thrilled that your teammate has won at the same time.

Some of the athletes reached the moon; but most did not. And that is an equally, if not more important message. You can set you sights high, you can give your very best effort and still not win the medal.  How often do our children get to see failure (of sorts), disappointment, modeled?  Not very often.   The athletes of the Olympics are models of sportsmanship. No tantrums and running away for them!  And the best part?  Those same skiers get up the next day, snap on their skis and try again…and again and again.

 If you haven’t shared the lessons of the Olympics, you still have a chance. Take the time to introduce your children to some real idols, American and all the others.

In the Palisades where I live there are two dads who have upped the dad ante, stepped up to plate in being dads. Well of course, most dads are heading for the plate, at least that ‘s their intention. But these two are hitting the ball out of the park.  They have started a new website www.todayisfun.com, that offers postings of fun, simple-to-plan activities for children 2 to 12 years old.  Not only does the website provide great ideas that are easy, cost free, and fun, but they also provide the list of materials needed and the rules of the road for the game or activity.   On the site the activities are organized in categories such as “outside activities,” “rainy day fun,” and “good for the car.”

 Oh my gosh, how great is this! So often dads who come to see me say that they really do want to spend more time with their kids, then sheepishly admit that it is often hard to find things to do, aside from “kicking the soccer ball around” or playing Leggos. At last here is the resource, an unending supply of ideas for dads (and moms) to do with their kids.  I especially love that it was two dads who came up with this idea. Family is still alive and well; there is hope for our society!

 The influence of dads in kids’ lives is profound.  (This is not to underplay the importance of moms. Please, don’t go there.)  Research actually pinpoints the effects of father influence not only on child behavior, but also in who children become, both girls and boys. It is important precisely because it is different from mother influence.  Gender differences necessarily inform the way moms and dads interact with their children.  And each is important and necessary in the lives of children.

 I offer a seminar called Big Hat, No Cattle. That expression, one that came to us from the land of the cowboy, refers to the dad who says he is a father, but doesn’t do the job. In this seminar I address the research and present the effects of father involvement on children, pointing to the day-to-day ways in which fathers can effectively be fathers in their children’s lives.  (There is still room in this March 1st seminar. Let me know if you are interested in attending.)

 In the meantime, you dads, take some time with your children. Not just today, not just on the weekend. Remember it is the pennies and dimes that are put in the bank everyday that eventually amount to a healthy savings. And so it is with your regular investment in your children’s lives. And if you don’t know what to do, visit the website and learn some new car games.

Home is the first school house. And children’s attitudes about books and reading begin at home at the earliest ages.

Pretty much all children start out loving books. Young children display their love of books in all kinds of ways: piling them high to make towers; pulling them off the shelf; carrying them around in a wheel barrow; organizing them according to size, color, shape; turning the pages, or just chewing on them! All of these are early ways of experiencing books.

Most children love books because they are accompanied by a cozy, close time with Mommy or Daddy and their full attention. What could be better!

But forcing a child to sit still and read a book when he isn’t ready, or doggedly trying to get a child to recognize letters, recite their sounds are sure fire ways of turning a child off to reading. If reading becomes a chore, your child won’t hurry to do it, anymore than he hurries to brush his teeth.

I can promise you that your child will learn to read, each in his own time, when he is ready. And if reading is a part of your everyday life, if books are part of your world, if your child sees how your love to read and love your books, so will he…someday.

Here are some tips for encouraging a love of books and reading.

•Be a role model for reading. Let your child see you reading. Choose to read as an activity when you have an extra ten minutes (Hah!) Talk about what you have read, sharing your enthusiasm. He will learn that reading is an enjoyable activity that you treasure.

•Read as a family. Even after your children can read on their own, they’re still likely to enjoy it when you read aloud to them. Pick a chapter book (for children four and older) and make it a ritual to read it with them. Let your older child participate in the reading.

Or, have a family reading time where everyone sits together in the family room or in the garden on a lovely morning …and reads! Take turns talking about what you are reading. Share paragraphs, sentences, descriptions, words.

•Talk about books. Let your child overhear you telling your friends, your husband, your mother on the phone about the book you are reading. Let him hear how much you are enjoying it.

•Bring a book wherever you go. Let your child catch you reading…as you wait in the carpool line, as you wait for her to come out of her dentist appointment, as she plays in your yard. Make reading a treat that you allow yourself whenever you can squeeze in some time.

•Create a home library in a special place. Make that library accessible to even the youngest child and model how we treat books with such care. For the young, non readers provide picture books, books with texture, and very primary books with simple words. For older children, stock the library with a variety of reading materials: “old friend” picture books, resource books, story books, joke books, riddle books, fiction, non fiction, art books, even comic books.

•Visit the library. Even in this day of the internet, the library is still a great resource for books of all kinds. You can borrow ten books at a time. Wow! Children don’t need to own their books, and using the library teaches them to share, to be responsible, and to use different skills than does Google.

•Unplug the TV! The television (and other such screens) has become an invasive influence in our homes. Too often it is to the detriment of our children’s recreational reading. If TV isn’t a choice, then reading just might be!

•Use reading as a special reward. Read an extra book or story when your child has done something worthy of a reward or praise.