What about all the other feelings, the big feelings–sadness, anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, to name a few– which fall under the umbrella of “unhappy?”  What is the child supposed to do with those feelings and where do they fit in?  Unhappiness, right along with happiness, is a normal part of the human condition. Yet, a child’s unhappiness is often difficult, if not downright painful, for a parent to endure. Why is that?  What does the child’s unhappiness stir up in the parent?

The sinew that connects parent to child–the invisible string–is so strong that a mom feels her child’s discontent. Often it goes beyond normal empathy. His unhappiness can awaken her own unhappiness.Her own less-than-happy childhood memories might surface, difficult feelings that were unrecognized or unexpressed from way back when. Perhaps the dad feels less than competent, even a failure, assuming it is his job to keep his child happy. It is unbearable and so he fixes the feelings, making it all better for them both. Shout hooray, as the song demands.

The stresses of life make a child’s unhappiness hard for parents to stomach.  And, yes, sometimes it is expedient to fix the cause of the unhappiness. Mom doesn’t have time or patience to tolerate her child’s journey through the negative feeling.  Let me fix that. Hurry up and bring it here, and stop fussing.

Sometimes the parent resents the intrusion of unhappiness on what little time they have together. Just give him the candy. I don’t want our time together spent fighting.

The message in all these cases remains the same:  you’re supposed to be happy…all the time.

No one is happy all the time. Most are happy sometimes. Everyone gets irritated, lonely, grouchy and all the rest. And sometimes people are fine.  Nothing special, just plain fine. Through the parent’s reactions to his feelings, the child grows to believe that those other feelings aren’t okay; he should be happy.  That is the desired norm.

Emotional literacy is one of the realms of development that must be woven into growing up. Children need to learn to recognize, name, access, and live with myriad feelings, including the strong ones, all of which are healthy and normal.  When the parent rushes to “fix it,” the child learns not only that a feeling needs fixing but that it’s her parent who has to make it all better. Rescuing the child from his own big feeling sabotages his growing ability to tolerate and swim through it. His emotional literacy is stunted.

In reality, no one can really make someone else feel happy — or unhappy. People regulate their own feelings. Others help by offering ways to express, tolerate, and even tame a strong feeling, but each of us is in charge of our own emotions.

To help your child recognize and tolerate all his feelings, here are six ways to build emotional literacy:

1.  Pay attention to your own feelings. Learn to differentiate between your feelings and your child’s, and keep the boundaries clear.  Doing so will allow you to tolerate the negative emotions.

2. Do not make his feeling your feeling.  Be empathetic without adding octane to the feeling. Acknowledge and validate, but do not fuel his feeling his anger or sadness by adding your own frustration.  Saying I’m really upset that your play date got cancelled, too  just invigorates his disappointment; it will also make your child feel responsible for your feelings, which is not the goal.

3. Teach your child to recognize and name his feelings. Just like learning a new language, he will feel empowered by his ability to communicate. He’ll be more more in control and less less overwhelmed.

4. Support your child’s expression of all feelings, positive and negative.  Saying  Aw c’mon. You’re not really mad about that, are you? not only teaches your child not to trust his feelings, but also says negative feelings aren’t valid.

5. Pause before you jump in to cure unhappiness.  Children need to learn how to soothe themselves. Lend an ear and offer suggestions for the expression and handling of the feeling.  (Boy are you angry! Let’s go find something you can hit really hard to get those angry feelings out)

6. Support resilience.   Children need to experience the reality that in time they will feel better, though in the moment it’s hard to believe. (Right now you are so disappointed. I know that later you’ll feel better. Shall we look at some books together now?). Later, in a calmer moment, point out how before he was so disappointed and now he is fine.

In seminars across the country, parents flock to learn how to keep their children safe.  While our world is set up for safety, with people whose specific job is safety (police officers, fire fighters, crossing guards, security guards), with laws and measures whose purpose is safety and well-being (seatbelts, inoculations, hand washing),  no one is ever completely safe, including our children. For this reason alone,  we must “prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child” as I have drilled countless times.

 How do we arm our children without alarming them?

From as young as two years old, children need to be taught safety measures that fall under the category of “Family Safety Rules.”  Safety seminars have long lists  of these rules that become part of a child’s everyday life—from children under 10 years not answering the front door without an adult to how to walk safely to school.  But there is more–these are basic safety behaviors for all children and for adults.

 Children need to pay attention to their gut

Children need to be taught to pay attention to their feelings and their instincts about people and environments. This is a tough one because children’s development and temperament influence their feelings and behaviors. The “shy” child recoils when someone looks at him funny;  the child with separation anxiety sees all people through the intruder filter. Children need to learn to pay attention when something makes them feel uncomfortable, to notice when things seems different, unusual, strange, maybe not as they should be, or even just new. And then they need to tell a parent or a different adult. The adult will sort it out.

After the fact, one Miramonte student reported that the teacher in question was her only teacher who ever locked his door. That was different and should have been reported.

Two other children did report to their counselor that their teacher had his hands under his desk in his lap a lot; they thought it was strange.  Good for them!  But they were not heard or honored.

 Adults need to listen to children

Children do not lie about these sorts of things. While they may not be giving an accurate description, they do not lie.  It is a parent’s, teacher’s, school administrator’s job to hear the child, regardless of what he is saying.  Too often an adult downplays or disregards a child’s comment, thinking it can’t be so. Sometimes the adult is deaf to something he doesn’t want to hear, even responding with anger.  We want our children to talk to us, so we must listen to them and welcome their observations and comments.

As my colleague, Dr. Ian Russ, says, “Children always tell the truth. You just have to figure out what the truth means.”  The Miramonte school counselor did not do her job. She should have applauded the children’s stepping forward and dug deeper to discover what their truth was. Clearly, it was not their imagination.

 Children’s feelings should not be undermined.

Saying “You shouldn’t feel that way”  or “Oh c’mon, that didn’t scare you” teaches a child not to trust his own feelings and perceptions.  In order to pay attention to his gut, a child’s feelings must be honored.

 Communication is the key

Even “important” people, those in authority positions or trusted adults, might give a child a funny feeling or behave in unusual or unexpected ways—clergy, coaches, teachers, relatives, neighbors.  No matter who it is who causes “that feeling” in the child, a different adult needs to be told.    

Ask a child what he did at school and you will hear “Nothing “ or “I played.” Sharing the news of his day is often not a child’s strong suit. But in order for adults to keep children safe, they need to know what is happening. A child must be clear that adults always want to hear what is going on, even the things that make the child uncomfortable or worried, big or small. Welcome the communication, regardless of the size or importance. You will be the judge.

 While your parents may have believed that children should be seen and not heard, today’s children must be seen and heard. It is the key to their safety.

The mom of a 17 year old shared the story of taxi-ing her newly minted driver-daughter and a friend to a party.  After the mom stopped at the corner sign, the friend exclaimed, “Wow! You came to a full stop.  My mom always rolls through them.”

Your kids learn to how drive long before they are learning to drive.  In the same way that you model behaviors of all kinds, so do you teach your child how be safe on the road, how to operate a lethal weapon called a car, and how to be a driver. 

The mandatory driving lessons and practice time behind the wheel teach a teen how to operate the vehicle. But how does she learn driving behaviors and habits, ones that will help keep her safe on the road? These are the lessons that your child starts absorbing as soon as she can climb into his car seat all by herself.

 For anyone who drives with a child in the car, there are five particular areas that are worthy of your attention, whether your child is 4 years or 14…because is he watching. 

1. Obey all the traffic rules. Sounds obvious, I know. But if you are in the habit of rolling through that stop sign, if you make risky left turns, if you speed up to make it through the yellow light, guess what you are teaching your one-day-to-be driver? You can preach the importance of obeying the traffic rules, but your own rule-following teaches the real lesson.
2. Never drink and get behind the wheel.  Everyone knows this one, and evidence shows that a parent’s admonitions, real life examples of resultant tragedies, and the parent’s own modeling are all crucial teachers. But if it’s okay for you to have just one glass of wine and then drive, it will be okay for your child to do the same. Don’t do it. And in front of your child, state that Mommy is not driving because I had a beer.
3. Do not touch your handheld device.   Even in Bluetooth enabled cars, drivers are distracted by their smart phones—texting, locating numbers, looking at calendars while driving. Your kids are watching you. Even if you text at a stoplight, not only are you tempting fate, but you are shouting the message that it is okay to do so. Don’t…ever!
4. Driving is not hands free.  Men shave in the car; women put on makeup with one hand. My husband saw a man practicing with drum sticks on the steering wheel as he drove.  A mom admitted to me, “I totaled a car because I was eating as I drove.” Don’t model multi-tasking while driving.  Your children need to see you give 100% of your attention and all of your body to the task at hand:  driving.
5. Drive patiently. Even those of us who are challenged by patience, must cultivate a driver personality that embraces it. Road rage leads nowhere good. Honking, calling other drivers names, berating the woman who cut you off is not likely the driver personality you want your child to imitate.

Parenting a child who drives a car requires a kind of trust and letting go for which nothing can prepare you. You can’t control the world—all the other drivers— in order for your child to be safe. But by your own driving behavior, you can teach your child to be a sane and smart driver, a lesson he will not learn in driving school. It’s not too soon. Start now.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t many things I could or should change about myself. In fact, the list is embarrassingly long, and it would take many New Years to work my way through it, failure after failure.

Recently I watched a TED Talk about mindfulness and gratitude.  (http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.html#.Tu )  I have watched many of these talks, but this one—Louie Schwartzberg—blew me away. It sparked in me the closest thing to a resolution that I will have ever made: pay attention.  The good news is that the advice is nothing new. Being aware is something not only that I practice in my life but also that I preach in my work– mindful parenting.

Over the years I have met hundreds of parents. Some are helpless; some just stuck; some misguided; some are uber-confident.  The most effective parents share one trait: they are mindful.  Mindful parenting starts with keeping your eyes wide open. It’s like the flower’s growth revealed by time-lapse photography—your children blossom before your eyes every day, but only if you tune in.

Parenting effectively is an outgrowth of acting in thoughtful (as in, full of thought) and deliberate ways. Mindful parents think about what they do and say; they don’t shoot from the hip. You know those times when you open your mouth and out pops your father and the exact words you swore you would never spew?
It doesn’t mean that your deliberate actions will necessarily yield the desired behavior from your child. (We are talking about people, after all.) It does mean that you will eventually get there because you are observing, thinking, evaluating; you are parenting actively. Mindful parents think about and take responsibility for their actions with their children, and they make course corrections.

 In his talk, Schwartzberg shares a taste of his Happiness Revealed Project. It is breathtaking. In the piece, the older gentleman implores us to open our eyes to each day, “…It is not just another day; it is a day that was given to you. It’s a gift, a gift that was given to you right now.”  And so it is with your children. Each day you have with your child is a gift. You have just one life with each, so don’t let it get away. Pay attention and be mindful. You don’t have to resolve to do it; just do it. It’s right there in front of you.

The omnipresence of Christmas trappings fuels what is known as the “December Dilemma.” Many a Jewish parent recalls lusting after Christmas trees as a child, and that memory is enough to push her over the edge, all the way to the Christmas tree lot. Some go so far as to call said tree a Chanukah Bush or a Holiday Tree, claiming it is just part of the winter season.

Truth be told, it isn’t only the Jews who want what isn’t theirs at the holidays. Parents have shared with me stories of their Christian kids wanting to celebrate Chanukah because it lasts 8 nights. I once read an article about non-Jewish kids who were feeling deprived because they were not having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Their parents’answer?   The Faux Mitzvah! A big party with a d.j. that mimicked the Bar Mitzvah reception, but given for no reason at all. No joke.

(If I were a clergywoman, I would continue here about why Christmas trees and wreaths are a part of Christian observance and why Chanukah and its 8 nights celebrate a victorious freedom fight. But I write from the perspective of a child development and behavior specialist.)

No parent, regardless of religion, wants to be the cause of her child’s disappointment. So, in much the same way that parents have a hard time saying no to their kids about many things (No pierced ears, no ipad, no nights at the mall…), unless there is a strong religious conviction, some Jewish parents just give in and get the tree. It’s better, they conclude, than being on the receiving end of the whining and the – “That’s not fair!” cries.  But what is the lesson? It certainly isn’t to tolerate disappointment.

Children need to learn that you can enjoy something without owning it.  Think about the library. You can borrow books, ten at a time, read them over and over for two whole weeks, and then return them.

The Parenting Center I founded was another example. Magnificently stocked with the most interesting, unique, uncommon toys I could find, it was play heaven.  Not a day would pass that a parent wouldn’t ask where I had purchased the Tree Blocks or another toy that she must have for her child.  I explained, “It’s really okay for your child to use those sand tools just while he’s here at school. He doesn’t need to own them.” (And I wouldn’t share the source, just to drive home the lesson.)

As young children grow, their interest in and experience with the winter holidays changes. They learn that everyone celebrates everything differently—Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza.  It is well within the range of normal development for children to want for their own anything (and everything) that appeals to them. Knowing that lots of Jewish families are experiencing the December Dilemma, I offer the following tips.

·     Keep your own feelings in check. If you feel sad or even guilty, as if you are depriving your child of something, your child will absorb those feelings. You need not feel guilty that Santa isn’t a part of your celebration.

·     Honor your child’s feelings. Take this opportunity to walk your child through her/his feelings of disappointment.  Life is filled with times when we can’t “have it all”.  Understanding that and giving your child the opportunity to reflect those feelings and help him develop coping skills is a gift. It will teach a tolerance for disappointment which is a critical, life-long lesson.

·     Play reindeer games. Help your child to learn that you can love and appreciate something without bringing it into your home. You can go to a Christmas tree lot and play hide and seek, as you smell the fragrant trees. You can get yourselves invited to a friend’s house to trim their tree. You can count the number of wreaths you see on front doors.  You can pile in the car in your pj’s and search for Christmas lights all over the city.

·       Use all eight days. Take pains not to position yourselves as Jews who are “missing out” on something.  Rather, be creative in your celebration of Chanukah, creating all kinds of family experiences, rituals and traditions. You have 8 days to celebrate, and on each of these you can do something different and special (a dreidel night; a baking night; a game night; a making-gifts-for-others night; a party night; and a few gift nights, too.)

But is that enough? Are these yearly drives going to teach our kids the habit of giving and sharing? Will they actually make them care about other people, animals, the environment, the planet…? Who is going to take care of our neighbors and of our planet if we don’t teach our children to do it every day?

Children today associate holiday charity mainly with giving to the homeless, feeding the homeless, clothing the homeless.

During the holidays, we are bombarded with cries for help. Especially for people living in cities, the neediness of the homeless is inescapable. But, very young children are exposed to this harsh reality long before they can understand it. Many kids are frightened of people begging on the streets and it’s understandable. They’re seeing unfamiliar affects, mental states, and physical conditions coupled with foreign odors, all scary to young kids.

In an attempt to bring meaning to the message of charity, parents look for ways to help children understand, Who are the homeless? Well-intentioned parents bring their children to dish out food on Thanksgiving. This direct charity can be unsettling for a child donor though. And, think about the recipient. How does the adult man in need feel about a child giving him a handout? I wonder about his pride and self-respect. Perhaps the lesson to the child should take a back seat to the feelings of the needy.

Of course, homelessness is a very real and very prevalent problem.

Yes, it’s honorable to pass out turkey meals on Thanksgiving day. It’s wonderful to pack baskets of food to distribute to hungry people. But true charity, philanthropy, goes beyond the coins that get dropped in the bell ringer’s bucket at the holidays. True philanthropy involves effort and sacrifice. It is daily attitude and habit that encompasses thinking about, caring about, and sharing with others of all kinds, not just the homeless. And, this real philanthropy must be on our minds beyond Thanksgiving and beyond the homeless

When a play-date gets cancelled because a friend is ill, instead of assuaging your child with an ice cream, what about making a get well card for the friend? When you see your neighbor’s newspaper lying in the driveway, why not ask your child to take it to her front door? When a piece of trash litters your pathway, try picking it up.

Philanthropy can be a family activity. My colleague, Meredith Alexander, has created The Acme Sharing Company, countless ideas of other-oriented activities and projects for families to do together. What about making homemade dog biscuits to bring to the local pound? Not only are you focusing caring for homeless pups, but you are doing it together. What about the family spending an afternoon picking up trash off the beach? Who can find the most trash and save it from going into our precious ocean? Now there’s a strong message!

Experience has taught us that philanthropy is contagious. Children who grow up in families who volunteer, who invest their time, energy, and resources in causes dear to them will do the same as adults. The very definition of being a grown-up will include looking beyond one’s own needs. It is caring about the world beyond you in an active way. When I was growing up my mom was the president of my school’s PTA equivalent. Sure enough, I did the same when my own children were in elementary school. Time consuming? Energy? Effort? It’s just what you do.

When philanthropy is built into your life and by extension into your child’s it will become a habit of giving. Why wait for Thanksgiving? It’s for every day.

“You will not believe this story,” began the email from a client who had just returned from family services for the Jewish New Year.  She described the mother and three children sitting next to her own family. “She was knitting!”  (Yes, you read it correctly, knitting.)  “And when she was done knitting, she pulled out her Blackberry and began texting.”  I queried as to her guess of the ages of the children. Elementary and middle school, was her reply.

There really isn’t more I need to write here. You who are taking the time to read this blog know exactly how I feel and what I am going to say.

When I was writing the Introduction to my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I seriously considered having only a single sentence on the page:  Be the person you want your child to be.  We all want our children to be honest, respectful, self reliant, and manifest all the myriad character traits that put them in the position to have options and lead a satisfying life.  Can’t you hear the woman from temple lecturing her children about paying attention and showing respect and all the rest!

Being a parent is a job; it isn’t a birthright. It comes loaded with responsibilities (and yields tremendous pleasure.)  You might as well have signed the contract right after the doctor handed you that tiny newborn. I accept the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

After Love your child, number two on that list is Be your child’s teacher.  Seems obvious I know. But there are those who just don’t get it. There is the mom who insists on respectful talk and yells at the parking attendant… in front of her child. There is the perfectly healthy dad who preaches honesty and tells his colleague that he can’t make the appointment because he isn’t feeling well…in front of his child. You know the mom who demands that her child not use the word “stupid,” the one who screams out Stupid driver! to the car in front of her.  And we all know the dad who insists on his child’s full attention who himself can’t resist looking at his BlackBerry at dinner, during story time, or when he’s just walked into the house.

Children are the first to spot character and value hypocrisy. In fact, they learn by noticing consistency in the world.  Oh Daddy, you said the S word!  They look to you, their first teacher, for validation of what you have taught.  Every day in so many ways you have the chance to model your expectations for your children and bring the lesson home.

Remember this, your children will do what you do, not what you say.

Last week on the bike path at the beach, a family strolled by all dressed in saris and clothing native to India.  The warm, sunny day brought out people in all manner of beach and sports attire, but only this family was fully covered head to toe in brightly colored, diaphanous fabric, and they stood out. They were different, and I noticed.

Recently at lunch at a hip restaurant in town, I was seated next to a woman dressed very much like a man—crew cut hair, dark pleated slacks, white tailored dress shirt, vest.  She was different from the other diners, and I noticed.

Starting from an early age, children need to learn that different isn’t necessarily good or bad…it’s just different.  When a four year old sees a woman with an unusually big nose (or who is unusually tall or in a wheel chair or has waist length dreadlocks), she blurts out, “Mommy, look that lady’s big nose!”  She’s not accustomed to seeing noses that look like that. It’s different. And it draws her attention for that reason.  Your reaction is among the child’s first lessons about difference. “Yes, you’re right. That woman’s nose is bigger than you have seen. Do you notice how I am using a quiet voice to talk about it?  We don’t know how she feels about her nose, so we don’t want to hurt her feelings. We’ll talk about it when we leave the grocery store.” And later, “People have all different size noses, don’t they? But they’re people with  feelings just the same.”

Children who are raised in climates that model and require tolerance and acceptance of difference will carry that lesson wherever they go. They learn not to judge and measure based on adherence to the norm.  They learn that different is just different. Judgment shouldn’t have a role.

Children also learn the importance of kindness and caring for the feelings of others when difference is noted.  Your reaction certainly teaches that lesson. Something may seem different, even funny or odd or out of place, but that is only your feeling. Regardless of your perception, it isn’t acceptable to hurt someone else’s feelings.

All of the environments in which children live—home, school, sports fields,  karate and dance studios—impact our growing children’s attitudes and behaviors.  Their comfort level with difference and their response to it, their consideration of others, are shaped everywhere they go and by the people who share the space.  When a child hears a parent comment in disgust, “Will you look at her hair!” not only is judgment being modeled, but so is intolerance.  When the environments inhabited by children promote a culture of acceptance, so children will learn that difference is just a part of normal.

This blog is the second in a series being written in response to the trial of  Brandon McInerney, the teen  who is on trial for shooting Larry King, a fellow student who was a cross dresser.

Wait a second! Time out!  This doesn’t have to be the case.  The problem is the definition of learning.  And it is so much more than the three r’s and all that is associated with classroom activities. Learning is about thinking, exploring, questioning, expanding your horizons, having new experiences, and using and growing the skills you have cultivated all year long.

Learning , and learning in the summer in particular, wears so many different faces, that it doesn’t always fall into the category of “learning” (hear the groan?) as kids come to know it. Learning in summer offers much that the school year doesn’t.    Summer brings time that is unstructured, schedules that are less encumbered, environments that are untraditional and ripe for discovery, and opportunities to create and follow your own interests and lesson plans. It is a time of year that is ripe with real learning opportunities for kids of all ages, learning that is not limited to the three r’s and drill and kill.  Summer gives us the chance to stretch and expand thinking. So, let’s reframe and put a whole new spin on that word “learning.”

Wherever you are, learning opportunities abound.  As parents we can keep our kids’ brains active and sparking, new synapses forming all summer long.  Some of this happens with our help, and some happens if we leave our kids alone (and unplug the enemy screens.)  Remember, kids need time to play, with and without friends.  In those unstructured, unscripted, unplanned times, they are growing ideas! Isn’t that learning?

In the summer, the parent becomes teacher of a different sort, the one who sees opportunities and potential in everyday activities and adventures. Whether you are in your own home, running errands, taking a family field trip, there are learning opportunities aplenty. With a little creativity and a dash of resourcefulness, parents can help children to see that learning is fun and active, happens outside of the school walls, and is not limited to work books and forced reading.

The car is a learning environment.  Instead of relying on the car DVD and other tech devices, turn your child’s brain and senses on!  Old fashioned car games, giving points for answers found, involve the whole family.

• Play “I’m Going on a Trip” and practice memory and alphabet skills. (Each person adds an item, going A to Z, and each turn repeats the whole  list.  Person #3 says I am going on a trip, and I am taking an Apple, a Basketball, and a Caterpillar. And then onto the the next person. I amgoing on a trip, and I am taking a…
• Play “I spy” using shapes in the world that is passing you by (Who can find a triangle shape?).
• Play “Out of State License” spotting.
• Play spotting games of all kinds:  Who can find a license that has a G in it? Who can find a license plate  whose numbers add up to more than 10?
• Play structure spotting games:  How many gas stations can you spot? Houses with cars in their driveway? Houses with more than one chimney?
• Play math word games:  Daddy can eat 3 pickles in 5 minutes. How man pickles can he eat in an hour.

You can spice up the “learning” in your everyday errands:

• At the grocery store:

1. Enlist your child’s help in writing the grocery list. Ask your child to write down the kitchen need as it arises.
2. Give your child her own child a list to fulfill at the store.
3. Involved your child in guessing the weight of produce, the total cost at checkout.
4. Ask the manager if he would show you and your child the meat refrigerator or the cold storage area where vegetables are kept.

• At the bank

1. Enlist your child’s help in filling out the deposit (withdrawal) form.
2. Talk with the bank clerk about the different ways that people use the bank.
3. Ask the manager to give your child a tour of your bank and chat about where the money goes…and where it comes from!

• At the cleaner, ask for a tour of the cleaning and iron machines.
• At the gas station:

1. Estimate how much gas your car will take, and watch the pump numbers soar.
2. Guess how much it will cost to fill up the tank.  (Yikes!)
3. Show your child under the hood of your car, where the oil goes, for example.
4. Ask the attendant to show your child how to change a tire.

• At the post office, ask to see where the letters get sorted.

And the learning continues with your discussion around the dinner table, as your child shares what he has seen.

Turn visits to museums, to parks, and to recreation areas in” hunts” of all kinds. Give your children a list of things they need to find:

• (At the art museum) Find an artist whose first and last names start with a P and who painted faces with the eyes in funny places. Find a painting that has only three colors.
• (At the Natural History Museum) How many animals can you find which are smaller that you are?  Larger?  Who has toes? Claws? Whose eyes are on the sides of their heads?  Whose are in the front? Who has fur? Hair? Feathers?
• (On a nature hike) Find something that an animal might eat.  Find something that is crunchy, something grows on a tree. Find evidence that an animal lives there. Play games using a blindfold, asking  Guess what it is of the person who can’t see. Be very quiet and pay attention to what a noisy place it is, naming the sounds you hear.

Summer is perfect for a long range project….because you have the time. Be only the consultant, not the director, in these pursuits.

• Put on a production. Your child writes the script, recruits the players, and puts on the show. She makes the lists and invites the audiences (homemade invitations), arranges the theater seating, even bakes the reception goodies.
• Hold an art show. Your child is the artist, hangs her work in the home “gallery.”  She creates and distributes the invitations; she cooks the reception goodies.
• Hold a recital.  Your child can perform his talent—a drum show, piano recital, karate demonstration.  He makes his guest lists, invitations, program, and reception treats. He arranges the room and the audience seats.
• Hold a creative writing/poetry reading.  Your child creates invitations and arrange the reading room and prepares the reception.
• Build something– a skate board ramp, a doll bed, a mouse house. Anything that requires thought, planning, directions, supplies, and elbow grease will keep your child’s wheels turning.
• Start any kind of a collection—rocks, shells, coins, stamps, baseball cards.  The organization and categorization (and stoage) require plenty of skill.
• Have a garage sale–at this one he’ll sell his toys, clothes, and stuff. He gets to make the signs, put prices on items, organize the items, run the bank…and count his money made!

And the business of everyday life at home, offers plenty of learning opportunities:

• Pay your bills with your child, letting him see what things cost and how  pay for them.
• Invite your child to cook with you—measuring  is a math skill.
• Ask your child to make place cards for the dinner table.
• Ask your child to help you clean out or organize almost anything! Sorting, alphabetizing, categorizing take thought and effort.

Starting with reframing your ideas about learning, whether it’s a project, a field trip, or just the business of daily life, summer is ripe with opportunity for reinforncing skills learned and adding new ones.  Who says the days of summer are lazy?!  They are just filled with expanding your child’s thinking and growing a his mind!

 The scenes I am privy to fill me right up, especially the front yard activities of my across-the-street neighbor kids. Often it’s the girl-gang riding bikes (and racing up and down my driveway, the best incline available). But always it’s the three brothers, 9 , 7, and 5 year old Owen, trampling their front sports field for every ball sport imaginable.  Regardless of the season, there is an ongoing game of soccer, baseball, sometimes football, always topped off by basketball in the adjacent driveway. I relish seeing it all.

 And I am not the only one. Nightly my husband bursts through the kitchen door after work with exclamations about “the boys” playing their front lawn. His sightings include Daddy Dylan. By then the boys’ dad has pulled up, dropped his brief case, and picked up his mitt. Every week day for this family is punctuated by a front yard activity generated by the boys themselves, and the icing on the cake is when Dad gets home and joins in.* 

 I wonder how many kids are so content right in their own yards.   Parents today are plenty obsessed with mapping out their child’s life and destiny:  soccer on Monday, tutor on Tuesday, ballet on Wednesday, tennis on Thursday, drama on Friday, gymnastics on Saturday, you fill in Sunday.  Whether or not all this extra-curricular-away-from- home stuff will get them into an Ivy League college is anyone’s guess.  I do know that these families are missing the boat.

The most powerful element in the foundation of a child’s life is connectedness—his sense of belonging somewhere to someone, that his existence is significant.  Children need to feel connected to each of their parents and not just in name. It means togetherness on the home front.  Sure the extras are memorable—the yearly trip to Hawaii, the Disney cruise, the front row seats to Miley Cyrus—but it is not these that make the difference.  Connectedness happens every single day, in small doses, at home, in the context and business of daily life.

 In the regular, simple moments connectedness is built. It’s kind of like the frequent, small deposits in the bank that yield a big savings account down the road.   Whether it’s doing sports or just simple household chores together—mowing the lawn, changing a light bulb, hunting for snails, or picnicking on the grass, Father’s Day reminds me of how easy it is for father and child to connect. The trick is taking the time to do it.

 *I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this family’s mom who is an active and avid participant the family’s front yard life. But, as this is a Father’s Day piece, I am focusing on Daddy.