“Mother always liked you best” claimed Tommy Smothers of the old comedy duo of the 60’s and 70’s, The Smothers Brothers.  They were comedians, but that gag struck a chord, as the audience laughed and cried at the same time.

“Who do you love the most?”  No matter how it comes out, every child who has a sibling wonders and worries about which child plays the starring role in his parent’s heart. 

 Favorites are tricky business, and the topic has a lot of press recently. In both a study published in April 2010 in the Journal or Marriage and the Family and in a new book, The Favorite Child, the issue is addressed. They conclude that both the child who is perceived as the favorite and the one who is not can suffer.  The perceived favored child is vulnerable to developing unhealthy personality traits, including the need to please, (be it the parent, the teacher, or the boss), and a sense of entitlement. He can also feel tremendous guilt for being the one chosen as the favorite.

 The unfavored child can work overtime trying to please the adults in his life, desperate to make it to the favored son status anywhere he can. He works to the exclusion of experiencing true enjoyment, intimate relationships, and more. And sometimes this child decides he might as well excel at being “bad” since he’ll never be the “good” one. That role is already filled.

 Let’s face it. Every parent who has more than one child actually does favor one child over the other(s) at some point, if only for a fleeting moment. Admitting that, however, generates oceans of guilt, as everyone knows it’s downright illegal!  What’s a parent to do?

 Perhaps the first step is accepting that there will be days and times, long periods and short, that you do have a favorite child. But that does not mean you love that child more. It means that on that day, at that time, that child is in the pole position. Perhaps he was more cooperative; maybe he woke up on the right side of the bed; maybe he was the child who remembered to call you, who carried in the groceries, who hung up his jacket. But he is only the favorite at that moment.  Then your other child is the life of the party at the dinner table. You marvel at his sense of humor; you admire his powers of observations. You fall in love, and today he is your favorite. In most families, children float in and out of the favored son status

Here are a few more suggestions for avoiding pitfalls of playing favorites

•  Actively look for the characteristics that make each of your children different. Call them out, appreciate them,  and share them with the world.
• Let your child hear you talking about him positively and proudly, not for something he accomplished but for something he is.
• Make time to spend with each child alone regularly, (Yes, even if you have 5 children!), and nurture the special relationship you have with each.
• Work hard to cultivate one of each of your child’s separate interests. If he loves baseball, ask him to explain the box scores to you. If she loves princesses, ask her to introduce you to each one and learn their names!
• Be careful not to pigeon hole your child. He is the artist; she is the athlete. Doing so can actually undermine the child’s desire to give something new a try.  After all, it isn’t his role.
• Do not ever hold one child up to the other. “Why can’t you just get your homework done like your brother does?”  Speak to him about him only.
• When you hear your children squabbling, take pains not to call out one child’s name, even if you know he is the perpetrator. Instead of saying, “Seymour, what are you doing?” try “What’s going on in there, boys?”
• Stop trying to make life “fair” for each child. Most parents confuse “fair” with “equal.”  It will never be fair enough for your children, and someone will be perceived as the one you like best because he got new shoes. Fair means giving each child what he needs at the moment. Preach it and practice it.
• When your child asks you whom you love the most, put on your most twinkly smile and say “You are my most favorite Jessie in the whole world!”

The emails were all the same:  “I just can’t stop crying…my daughter hasn’t even been gone for 24 hours, and I miss her already.” wrote the mother whose ten year old was off to sleep away camp for the first time.  “The house is so quiet. At first I loved it, but now I am so ready for him to be home,” confessed the mother of a nine year old boy off to two weeks at camp in the mountains.  You wonder if your child is really ready for sleep away camp, when the question really should be, are you ready for your child to go to sleep away camp.

Whether it’s leaving your infant with a baby sitter, watching your four year old go off on a playdate (without you), helping your six year old to pack for a sleepover…whether it’s going off to nursery school, starting kindergarten, or going off to college, over and over again, life is full of separations.

At first the focus is on the child. Will he be okay? Will he be too homesick to have fun at camp? Will the teacher kiss his boo boo at preschool? With whom will he have lunch on the school playground?  Will he even think to wash his sheets in the dorm?  Then the dust settles, all is well, and a new reality emerges.  My child is fine; he can take care of himself. I’m a mess. Look who is having trouble with separation! 

Going to sleep away camp or to a friend’s house for the night are such valuable separations. Not only does your child learn how to take care of his own physical and emotional needs, becoming self reliant and independent, but you get to practice letting go.  All of the little separations in your child’s life pave the way for the big separation. There will come a time when your little guy, now big, kisses you goodbye, and that kiss has to last all the way until his next visit home.

Jessie came home last month to pack up her wedding gifts and drive them to her new home in San Francisco. “Mom, where is my birth certificate? I need it for work.” she asked as she and Michael were about to leave. Of course I had it. It was in the important papers file, its permanent, safe home. “Are you sure you should take it, Jess? It’s the only copy. Shouldn’t we keep it?”  Can you hear the eye roll I got?

 Jessie hasn’t really lived at home, not full time, since she went off to college fourteen years ago. She has come and gone,  vacationed on Greentree Road, but this is still the place called “home.”  But it wasn’t until I handed Jessie her very own birth certificate, that it really hit me. We’ve  separated.

On the next trip,  she promised she would unload the attic and take the rest of her memorabilia to her home.  I waited to cry until the UHaul was at the end of the block.