“Coach Accused of Punching Son”  The headline in the LA Times caught my eye.  A youth baseball coach is facing a simple assault charge for punching his 9 year old son in the face after the boy was ejected from a game.  Are they kidding? I read it again.  [Coach’s name] of suburban Harrisburg was charged after he allegedly struck his son twice with a closed fist…  I read it one more time to make sure I was reading it correctly. Yep, that’s what it said alright.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

“You’re the meanest mommy in the whole world!” the seven year old screams at her mother, as she stomps down the hall to her room, punctuating the scene with a crashing door slam.  There’s not much that’s good about that scene, except that it is well within the range of normal behavior. You may not like it, but it is what most kids do at some times.

 Kids get angry at their parents for all kinds of reasons. Mainly they get angry when they are in some way thwarted—when they don’t get what they want. But it also happens when they have to do something they don’t want  to do, when they are disappointed, when they are in the midst of lousy local conditions, and when they are just plain crabby.  And the expression of that anger can look pretty nasty.

 But do you really think your child hates you? Do you think he means it when he says he wishes he had a different father and that he wants to live at Jeremy’s house where he can use the computer whenever he wants?  Well, truth be told, maybe he does, just for that split second. Anger will do that to a person, stir up some fighting words, some hurtful sentiments. But he doesn’t really mean it.

 A child’s anger is not about you. It feels that way when a jet stream of vitriol intended just for you fills the hallway airspace. But it isn’t. So don’t take it personally.  Absorbing your child’s anger and making it about you, will only exacerbate the issue. “Don’t you dare talk to me that way, young man.”  Young child needs to be able to express himself and all his big feelings. Yes, he does need to learn about respect. Yes, he does need to know that words can hurt as much as fists. And he will learn both in time … but not in the heat of that moment.

 Later, when the feeling has long since passed is when you do your revisit.  “You were really angry when I wouldn’t let you use the computer. You said some really powerful stuff. I love you even when you are angry and say you hate me. And when I ask you to turn off the computer, I expect you to turn it off.” State it clearly and without feeling. Children need to know that their parents will not crumble when they use their angry words.  You know they reserve they most powerful stuff for you, the person whose love they trust the most.  Remember, it isn’t about you. When you turn it into a finger wagging lecture about respecting you, the lesson about turning off the computer is lost. Further, he will have one more reason to “hate” you. If his words don’t work and don’t have power, they will not be useful to him.

 And you thought raising children would be easy!

This morning’s treadmil conversation at the gym was livelier than usual.  I announced that I just had to blog about the growing epidemic of bad behavior…of adults…  public figure adults’ bad behavior. 

Whether or not my gym rat buddies felt Serena’s tongue fault was forgiveable  (It was, they thought–it was her first outburst; it was a lousy call; it was a genuine mistake), whether Joe Wilson had the right to call President Obama a liar (He did not, they agreed), or whether Kanye West’s bullyish interruption would be okay ever, under any circumstance (Never!)…everyone agreed that all three were blatant examples of  grown ups’ bad behavior.

Something is terribly wrong.  Here is a case of three adults who have not cultivated necessary impulse control. They were rude, disrespectful, and did not use plain old fashioned manners. Protocol and propriety are real, but they followed neither. And while I am sure there are daily examples of the same affliction in adults everywhere,  they are not in our faces. The culprits are not public figures. These are  people whom our children watch, models of how to be in the world.

Children learn the rules of the road and what is acceptable behavior, first of all from their parents. You are the first teachers of social intelligence. You are the voice they internalize that says, “Better not say that. It’s rude. It’s disrespectful. “ 

It’s not enough to shake your head in disgust. Here is your chance,  three of them actually.  They are perfect examples of what is not okay, clear examples of disrespect,  obvious examples of crossing the line. And it wasn’t even your child who did it!   Here is fodder for dinner table conversation to be sure.  You have a perfect chance to grow your children’s social intelligence. Have that discussion about what happened, about what you think. Create the spin your children need to hear. It will make a difference, and it will help your child to process the things that other people do, good and bad.

How interesting it was to witness Kanye’s moment of reflection. We saw it when Jay Leno asked him what his mother would have said about his bad behavior.  He was dead silent. You see, it was his mother’s voice that seemed to speak to him . (Ok, maybe it was a show!).  But you get my point.  Be that voice that speaks to your child, “Don’t be disrespectful to the line judge!”  Don’t insult the President!”  “Don’t butt in to someone else’s show!”  It is the voice that your child will carry with him forever, whether he becomes a public figure or not.