The mom of a 17 year old shared the story of taxi-ing her newly minted driver-daughter and a friend to a party.  After the mom stopped at the corner sign, the friend exclaimed, “Wow! You came to a full stop.  My mom always rolls through them.”

Your kids learn to how drive long before they are learning to drive.  In the same way that you model behaviors of all kinds, so do you teach your child how be safe on the road, how to operate a lethal weapon called a car, and how to be a driver. 

The mandatory driving lessons and practice time behind the wheel teach a teen how to operate the vehicle. But how does she learn driving behaviors and habits, ones that will help keep her safe on the road? These are the lessons that your child starts absorbing as soon as she can climb into his car seat all by herself.

 For anyone who drives with a child in the car, there are five particular areas that are worthy of your attention, whether your child is 4 years or 14…because is he watching. 

1. Obey all the traffic rules. Sounds obvious, I know. But if you are in the habit of rolling through that stop sign, if you make risky left turns, if you speed up to make it through the yellow light, guess what you are teaching your one-day-to-be driver? You can preach the importance of obeying the traffic rules, but your own rule-following teaches the real lesson.
2. Never drink and get behind the wheel.  Everyone knows this one, and evidence shows that a parent’s admonitions, real life examples of resultant tragedies, and the parent’s own modeling are all crucial teachers. But if it’s okay for you to have just one glass of wine and then drive, it will be okay for your child to do the same. Don’t do it. And in front of your child, state that Mommy is not driving because I had a beer.
3. Do not touch your handheld device.   Even in Bluetooth enabled cars, drivers are distracted by their smart phones—texting, locating numbers, looking at calendars while driving. Your kids are watching you. Even if you text at a stoplight, not only are you tempting fate, but you are shouting the message that it is okay to do so. Don’t…ever!
4. Driving is not hands free.  Men shave in the car; women put on makeup with one hand. My husband saw a man practicing with drum sticks on the steering wheel as he drove.  A mom admitted to me, “I totaled a car because I was eating as I drove.” Don’t model multi-tasking while driving.  Your children need to see you give 100% of your attention and all of your body to the task at hand:  driving.
5. Drive patiently. Even those of us who are challenged by patience, must cultivate a driver personality that embraces it. Road rage leads nowhere good. Honking, calling other drivers names, berating the woman who cut you off is not likely the driver personality you want your child to imitate.

Parenting a child who drives a car requires a kind of trust and letting go for which nothing can prepare you. You can’t control the world—all the other drivers— in order for your child to be safe. But by your own driving behavior, you can teach your child to be a sane and smart driver, a lesson he will not learn in driving school. It’s not too soon. Start now.

But even when the child is ready, parents today are still declaring No Sleepovers! Their fears run the gamut– safety hazards in the other child’s home, permissions for blacklisted activities or foods, lack of proper supervision, and suspicions about the host’s older brother or even the family father.  I am not going to argue the possibility of these fears coming to fruition. The plane you are taking to  New York  just  might crash, too. And did you know that the majority of car accidents occur only a mile and a half from home?

Why am I such an advocate for sleepovers?  Here are just a few of the benefits:

• The child is exposed to difference. He gets to see that different families do things in different ways. And he see that they all reach the same goal, albeit differently.

• The child is taken out of his comfort zone and survives.  Learning to tolerate discomfort that results from unfamiliarity and emerge successfully on the other side is a life lesson. Life will present your child with much that makes him uncomfortable…at first.

• Risk-taking happens when the child is out of his comfort zone and has to deal with difference and unfamiliarity. Survival usually requires risk. Nothing stays the same for very long.

• Sleepovers require self-reliance, if only because the child is not as dependent away from home as he is with you. At the same time, the child practices his independence.

• Sleepovers necessarily encourage emotional growth.  Being able to tolerate the feeling of being all alone when the lights go out and your friend falls asleep first, is a big step toward emotional maturity.

• Children are often at their best when they are away from you. (Ask any school teacher!)  Staying at someone else’s house provides ample opportunity to be on “good behavior” and practice the manners seldom seen at home.

• And certainly, a night with one less child is a treat for you!

There is much to consider when thinking about sleepovers. While it will be different for every child, the age that sleepovers typically begin is somewhere around 7 years old. However, the most important question is whether or not your child is ready and eager. Among many considerations about your child are:

• Does your child speak up for himself?

• Does your child seek help from others besides you when needed?

• Does your child know and practice your family safety rules?

• Is your child usually reliable?

• Has your child ever spent the night away from you before…at a relative’s house or when you have gone away?”

Considering the host family raises a whole bevy of important questions—Do you  know the parents?  Who else is in the house? Will the parents be home all night?  What are their safety rules? Do they allow their child unlimited access to M & M’s? Will they be watching R rated movies? Some parents will surly drive themselves crazy trying to determine if their child will be safe enough out of their reach…ever.  

In the spirit of my favorite piece of advice, Prepare the Child for the Path and not the Path for the Child, perhaps it’s time to rethink the No Sleepovers rule. There just may be more to gain than the risk you are trying to avoid.

As the anniversary approaches, not only will the event be replayed on screens of all kinds, but it is likely to be discussed in classrooms and even on playgrounds. And the topic might come up around your dinner table.  How will you answer your child’s questions:  What really happened on 9/11?  Who were those guys? Why did they do it?  Is it going to happen again? Is our plane going to crash ? Throughout history there have been wars and assassinations and natural disasters, too many to count, but 9/11 was different. It was a first for America, and it was terrifying.

A child’s ability to process 9/11 will depend upon his age, development, temperament, and experience. In addition, young children easily confuse the facts with their own fears, and they lack perspective. Did it happen last week? Across town? Will it happen to us?

It is almost impossible to completely shelter very young children from the news. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. And when you have children of different ages, monitoring your child’s news intake is compounded by what your older children have heard and learned in their less sheltered lives away from home and wandering the world through media. It is a good idea to have at the ready your explanations, just in case…

Finding the words to use with children, words that explain but do not terrify and cause additional fear, is tricky business.  Below are some tips and scripts that may come in handy, as 9/11/11 approaches.

• Mind your affect.  Children absorb your affect, that is, your tone, as well as your feelings. When you speak with your child about terrifying issues, it is crucial that your affect is calm and confident, but not dismissive.
• Don’t avoid questions. Not answering questions, avoiding the discussion, is just as damaging as answering without consideration. And it can leave the child with the message that the topic is taboo. Children should be able to come to parents with all their questions.
• Find out what the child knows. Then you can continue the discussion based on what he knows and what you think he is really asking (the question beneath the question, what is really brewing).
• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings. Not only does saying “Don’t worry” not work, but it disreguards your child’s real feelings. Acknowledge his feelings and give honest but reassuring answers.
• Be brief and use simple language that your child can understand.  A four year old and a twelve year old require different explanations.
• Be honest and give accurate information…but only as needed and only the bare essentials.
• Beware of What if questions. Your child is usually looking for reassurance that he will be safe no matter what. Don’t bite!
• What happened on 9/11? “Some terrorists flew an airplane into two buildings, and the buildings collapsed.” When you child asks if people died, “Yes, many people who were on the plane and in the building died.”
• What is a terrorist? “A terrorist is someone who tries to scare or frighten and sometimes hurt other people. Terror is another word for frighten. Most people are good. There are not many terrorists.”
• Why did they do that? “That was a horrible thing that they did. There are some people who are really angry, and they let their feelings out in very bad ways.”

These are simple explanations and are meant as starting points for your conversations with your children.  Younger children can talk about how we solve disagreements and problems, how we express our feelings in non violent ways. Older children can talk about the reasons for the terrorists’ anger at America.

In all your discussions, remember every child’s basic need to feel safe. They need to be reassured of all the ways we are safe in America and all the people whose job it is to keep it so.

Please refer to chapter 11, Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House? in my book, Just Tell Me What to Say, for a deeper discussion on the topic.

There was an article in the paper last week about a family of five piano virtuosos, siblings who perform together as the Five Browns.  It was a fairytale story about these talented children… that is, until I got to the paragraph about the children’s father who is in prison, convicted for molesting his daughters. One small mention became one huge part of this family’s story, and it commandeered all my attention. Forget the piano.   How did this happen?

Of course I’ll never know the answer, but it got me thinking. What I do know is that in protecting our children from dangers and evils of all kinds, we are getting it wrong. Too often these days parents interpret their job of safe guarding to be just that: Being the guard dog at all times, everywhere. Truth be told, it is utterly impossible for you to keep your child safe all the time.  And if you, the parent, give the child the message that only by you being with him will he be safe, then he certainly doesn’t exercise and grow his own safety muscles.

A big part of the safety lesson is teaching your child to keep himself safe. Of course a parent should never intentionally allow a child to be in an unsafe position, tempting fate. But from an early age children need to be habituated to safety behaviors. In the same way that we teach our youngest children not to run into the street, so must they have Family Safety Rules of many kinds.  If it is never okay for a child to answer the front door without the supervising adult’s approval or presence, it is a habit.  If the door always stays open during a playdate, then it becomes the child’s habit. The child plays a role in keeping himself safe.

After reading the newspaper article about the Brown Five, I wondered what Family Safety Rules about their bodies the children had been taught. Were they taught that it is never okay for anyone (including mother or father or doctor or coach) to touch their bodies if it felt uncomfortable or strange or weird? Were they taught that even someone they respect should not be (mis)handling their bodies? Did they know that “Don’t tell” means “tell?” Had they been taught to tell a parent (the other parent) or care giver when they don’t like the way they are being treated? I think not.

In the chapter on Independence in my second book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I address the specific ways in which we help children to be safe by keeping themselves safe.  This is just another of the ways that we must prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child. Keeping a child safe is your job and your child’s.

 When you explain an act of terrorism, the child’s ability to understand and process what went on or is going on depends upon his age, development, temperament, and experience.  His understanding is not in an adult context, one that allows him to know that people recover, eventually things will be okay, and life goes on. In addition, the child easily confuses his own fears with the facts.

 Children are egocentric and concrete thinkers. They understand everyday life as it affects them, and that is their major concern:  Am I okay?  Are the people I care about okay? Is this going to happen again…to me?

Most experts agree that children under the age of seven do not need to know about 9/11, let alone the death of Osama Bin Laden. 

 Here are some tips for explaining 9/11 to your older children.

•  After he has come to you with his question, find out what your child  has already heard.  What have you heard about 9/11?  Hopefully, since you calmly welcomed his question, your child will say what’s on his mind. Then you will follow his lead and continue the discussion based on what he knows, what he asks, and what you think he’s really asking. But remember, most parents tend to talk too much and give too much information.
• Shape your answers to each individual child. Older children will likely want and be able to handle more details.  You know your child and how much he can handle. Invite your older child to protect the younger or more sensitive child from sharing information that only he can handle. It is surprising how he will oblige.
•  Be brief and try to use simple language and concepts that your child can understand.
•  Listen for the question beneath the words.  The child may subtly be letting you know that he is worried.  You may want to ask what you think he is really saying. Are you concerned that this is going to happen again?
• Be honest and give accurate information…but only as needed and only the bare essentials, a bit at a time. In response to your child saying I heard some guys flew planes into a building and a lot of people died., you might say, Yes, that is what happened almost 10 years ago.
• Be prepared to answer each question only as it comes up. And be prepared for several conversations.  Children often ask the same question over and over again. That repetition can be the child’s attempt to wrap his arms around your answer, or it may represent a need for reassurance.  As he processes the information he has learned or hears additional information on the playground, he will have new thoughts and questions.
• Why? While often the question Why? is the young child’s way of telling you he doesn’t like what he has heard, it is a real question from the older child who will likely need more information.   But for this older child, you might start by asking him why he thinks it happened.  Likely this will lead a discussion of terrorism.
• What is a terrorist?  A terrorist is someone who tries to scare or sometimes hurt other people. Terror is another word for frighten. Most people in the world are good; there are not many terrorists.
• Why did they do that?  The men who flew the plane into the buildings were terrorists. Those terrorists were really angry about something, and they expressed their feelings in really horrible ways.    More…     The people who flew the planes into the building did not like America, and they wanted to cause terrible damage. Most people do not feel this way about America.  While you may not believe this to be true, you child needs to hear it in order to feel safe.
• Going into detail about Al Qaeda (and others) is not a good idea. Your child has a basic need to feel safe and to feel that he and you, as Americans, are not danger. This event should be presented as the great exception.
• Take time to point out all the ways in which we are safe.  Children need to be reminded that there are a multitude of precautions that all people take every day in order to be safe—from wearing seat belts and washing hands to airport security checks. We live in a country whose priority is for all its citizens to be safe.

For more information on this topic, visit Chapter 11, “Is the Fire Going to Come to Our House,” in my book Just Tell Me What to Say.

You’re having a playdate, and the guest grabs a toy (your child’s favorite Thomas car) out of your child’s hands.  The grabber’s mom observes without reaction.

You’re at the park, and a girl you don’t know throws sand at your child. The sand thrower’s mom is engrossed in a phone conversation.

You’re walking toward the school parking lot, and out of nowhere a classmate gives your child a good push. The pusher’s mom says, “Oh, boys will be boys,” and keeps walking.

Knowing when and if to discipline other people’s children is tricky business. When you are the parent in charge and no other adult is supervising, the answer is easy: Step in and deal with it. But when the other child’s parent is on the scene, it gets complicated.

Most parents will agree that it is usually crossing the line to correct or discipline someone else’s child. After all, when were you appointed the behavior police?  And even though the word discipline derives from the Latin root word which means teach, it is not your job to reprimand or to teach other people’s children.  While I do believe that raising a child “takes a village,” unless it is commonly practiced and understood that all the tribal elders participate in the child rearing (sometimes seen in close, extended families), it is unlikely that your instruction will  be welcomed by the other parent.

Each family has different values, different ideas about parenting, and a different tolerance for certain child behaviors. Not only might your and another’s parenting styles be light years apart, but your uninvited intervention will likely sting; it may offend, embarrass, or pass on your negative judgment…even if you are right. Look out for trouble then, as it’s no longer a problem just between the kids.

Knowing whether to intervene with someone else’s child has everything to do with two things:  1) safety (everyone’s) and 2) your child.  Safety needs no explanation; danger requires immediate action. But your child…he is your priority. He is the one whose teacher you are. He will learn from observing everything everyone else does, what other children are permitted to do…or not. This is what I call “ambient learning.”  While the other parent might shine-on her child’s misbehavior with “It’s just what kids do,” it is your responsibility to teach your child, directly and indirectly.  That just might mean stopping or redirecting another child’s undesirable behavior. If your child has been told not to throw sand, he needs to hear you tell the other child the same. It’s about your child.

Consider the following in deciding to deal with the misbehavior of a child who is not yours:

• If you are the adult in charge, be in charge, kindly but firmly. Your child is watching.
• Your house, your rules.  Everyone needs to abide by them. If you need to correct the child-guest, you can explain to the guest mother, “I am helping [my daughter] Amanda to understand that our house rules are for everyone. I hope you understand.”
• Delivery is everything. Speaking up kindly is imperative, especially if the guest’s mom is present “So much noise hurts my ears.  [To the guest] Please help me by using your inside voice.” And then to the guest mom, “I am working on this very issue with Amanda. It helps when she knows it goes for everyone.”
• Be gently encouraging. When the other parent is non-reactive to her child’s misbehavior, try saying, “It looks like Jason needs a little help, but I don’t want to overstep my bounds.”
• Keep your own anger (and your bossiness) in check. It will leak and cause problems beyond a child’s misbehavior.

And of course, keep that ol’ Golden Rule in mind: Do unto others…It still works!

 I fully believe that you really like your child, that there are times when you get along like peas and carrots, that you say you can read each other’s minds. But your child, whether young or old, needs you to be her parent. She has enough friends, and so do you.

I know that you don’t get to spend much time with your child; both of your schedules are packed 24/7.  So you want what little time you have together to be pleasant. I know it’s just easier to say yes, and everyone will be happy…for the moment.

I was told the story of a 15 year old girl who was invited to a party at a school mate’s house.   Her mother, as she has always done, called the party giver’s parents to check on the plan. The father shared that he was okay with beer and vodka, “… but I draw the line at weed.”  (No joke!)  His response to the supervision question was, “I’m not the kind of dad who checks on the kids all the time, but I will be at home.” Upon hearing the news that she would not be going to the party, the girl was furious, really furious.  It lasted many hours. But the next day it was as if it had never happened. “In fact,” Mom said, “she was unusually friendly and warm.”

Being a parent requires you to make some tough calls, to be unpopular, even hated sometimes. You will be the meanest mom in the world and threatened with a child who wants to live with another family, maybe run away. You will feel like a salmon swimming upstream when you’re told that alllllllllllll the other kids’ parents said they could, and you still say no.  But this IS your job.

Children are not like self-basting turkeys; they just can’t grow themselves.  Children will seek all the good stuff they can get—be it extra tv time, cookies from the platter, or minutes at the mall. And they count on you to stop them, to rein them back in. It is their job to test the limits; it is your job to stop them.  And as children get older, more than ever they rely on you to be their brakes, especially when faced with peer pressure. “No, my dad will kill me if I get home after curfew.”

Your child needs to know that you love her so much that you will tolerate her explosive protest when you lay down the law and you will not change your mind because of it.  Nothing can be more important to you than her well being, her safety, and her learning the rules of the road.

This is the job of a parent…not a friend.

     The single most important message for you calmly and confidently to communicate to your children when it comes to disasters and widespread safety precautions is: 

“You are safe.  I know how to keep you and our whole family safe. That is my job. We are all safe now, and we will continue to be safe.”

 Below is an abbreviated excerpt from my book.

•  Protect your children under the age of seven from the media.  Young children, children seven years and younger, should not be intentionally exposed to the news, period. Keep your children safe.  Don’t listen to news radio during morning carpool. Don’t read the newspaper at the breakfast table in the morning. Turn off the little television in the kitchen that is background to your meal preparation.  While you think your child isn’t watching and listening, she is absorbing it, and she certainly is observing your reactions.
• Take care of your own feelings first. On an airplane we are taught the oxygen mask practice. First put on your own mask, and then put the mask on your child.  The same holds true with your feelings. As a parent, your reactions and way of being with your child is based on your own fear and anxiety; it is not necessarily based on logic or reality.   Leaking your own feelings adds to the child’s concern and anxiety.
• Don’t whisper! There are many times when we don’t want our children to hear what we are saying.  The moment you whisper about the catastrophic event, your child’s ears perk right up. Now she is listening, and now she knows that there is something going on that she isn’t supposed to know about.
• It’s okay not to talk about it.  If your child is not directly affected the disaster that has happened, it is well within possible that she has escaped without unwanted exposure. There is no reason to raise the subject with a child who is six years old or younger. How lucky she is to be unburdened by these issues, events, and resulting worries. The young child needs to know that the world is a safe place. Hearing about disasters and terrorism only eats away at her feelings of safety.
• Don’t avoid questions.  If your child has been exposed to a scary event, hopefully she will come to you with her questions.  Not answering her questions, avoiding the discussion, will be more damaging than the discussion. The lack of discussion will leave your child alone with her fears and anxieties. In addition, the child will be left feeling that the subject is taboo.
• Find out what the child knows.  If your child comes to you with a question, your first job is to figure out what he already knows.

           “I am so glad that you are asking me because I want to talk with you about that. Tell me, where did you hear about the tsunami?

            Hopefully, because of the way in which you calmly welcomed her question, your child will say, “Amanda told me that a lot of people drowned in a giant wave.”    

           And you can continue based on what she knows and what you think she is really asking. But take note, most often the young child is not asking for actual details;  she is asking if she is safe. 

• Keep in mind that your child’s primary need is know that she is safe. It is every parent’s tendency to talk too much and to give too much information. What your young child wants to know and needs to hear is that she is safe, her family is safe, and that you know how and will take care of the family.
• Listen for the question beneath the question. Often a young child will ask a question, but she is not looking for that answer. Something else is brewing underneath those words. Sometimes you may have to probe a little more deeply,

             “Are you wondering if the tsunami is near to our house?”

              And sometimes you will just take a stab at what you think the child is really asking,

             “I think you are worried that a tsunami is going to happen to us and we will not be safe.”

               Then you speak to that underlying question or worry.

              “The tidal wave in the ocean happened far far away in a whole different side of the world. We are just fine here in California; we are all safe.”

• Don’t downplay your child’s feelings.  Resist the urge to say   “Don’t worry” or “Don’t be sad” to your child. Truth be told, saying “Don’t worry” doesn’t really work, does it?  You still worry! So will your child. Your child’s feelings are real, even if you think they are unfounded or needless. Your child needs to have her feelings validated and to be reassured. You don’t need to fix those feelings, but you do need to respect them. She needs you to hear her, to receive and be a container for her feelings.

            “I know that you are really worried about the tsunami you have heard about.  That happened far far away from here, from where we are.

           At the same time, it is important not to down play the seriousness of the situation. It usually is serious, very serious. Saying, “Don’t cry. Everything will be okay” is not only another way of denying the child her feelings, but it is also somewhat crazy-making. It most effective to be honest, to acknowledge and to reassure the child    at the same time. 

•  Share your own feelings to the appropriate degree. Sharing your feelings can validate your child’s feelings and let her know that she is not alone with them. You must also show and communicate that you are in control of your emotions and not overwhelmed by them.  

             “You are so sad that those people’s houses were wrecked by the earthquake. I am really sad about that, too. It was a terrible accident.”

• Be brief and try to use simple language and concepts that your child can understand. When speaking with your four year old you will use a different language than that you would use with your twelve year old.  The young child needs simple explanations with very few words. She should not be overloaded with information and words.
• Be honest and give accurate information…but only as needed and only the bare essentials, a bit at a time. Your child may ask you a question, wanting to verify what she has heard. Just answer the question, nothing more. “Yes, some people were killed when the building collapsed.  
• Be prepared for several conversations.  Children often ask the same question over and over again. That repetition may be her attempt to wrap her arms around your answer or it may represent a need for reassurance. As your child processes the information she has learned or as she hears new information, she will have new thoughts and questions.
• What if? questions.   What if? questions are tricky. Usually the child is looking for reassurance that you will keep her safe no matter what.  There are those children who will keep after you, “But what if the plane does crash? But what if the fire does come to our house? But what if there is a tsunami and the wave comes and we get flooded? And what if and what if and what if…”  There are those kinds of children. If you have one, you sure do know it!  These kinds of questions can be answered in with straight forward and clearly delivered information.

            “There will be no flood at our house. We are completely safe here, and I will keep it that way.”

 For older children, I remind you:

•  All children., even older ones, need to feel that they are safe. You, the adult, will do everything you can to make sure of that. It is your job.
• Answer only the questions your child asks.  In so doing you will not add your anxiety or issues of which they may not have thought.
• Do not avoid the older child’s what if question. As the older child is capable of thinking beyond what has happened in Japan, ask him to answer his question first. His answer will let you know the nature of his fear.
• Address his fears realisticallyand without denial. The child needs to know that while his fears are real, it is highly unlikely that they will come to fruition. Explain further that all children and some grownups have fears but seldom do they become reality.
• Do something to help.  Inertia contributes to a feeling of helplessness. Activity always contributes to a sense of control.  Sending clothing, giving money, having a lemonade stand to raise money, etc…not help the child to feel less helpless but models exactly what all people should do for others in need.

 While we know that Japan was as prepared as a country could be and the earthquake and tsunami still had unimaginable effects, take this time to make sure your earthquake supplies are updated.www.emergencycafe.com is just one of the many sites that can help you with your preparedness.

 I am also quite sure that somewhere around the age of 9 years your child will claim that she really needs a cell phone.  (How interesting it is that most of children’s wants become neeeeeds.) You are likely to hear a lot of pleading from this age child. Cover your ears.

 While there are those who might disagree, my research on this topic yielded one clear guideline. There is consensus that elementary school age children are too young for cell phones. Therefore, sometime during the middle and high school years is the right age.  But how do you decide?

 Cell phones today are not just cell phones.  The factory equipped model comes complete with functioning far beyond that of your first cell phone:  internet access, email, IM-ing, texting, camera/video, video games, and endless uploading capacity. When you grant cell phone permission, you are opening the door for permissions and access to whole new worlds, be assured.

 As your children grow, so do their opportunities for mischief and misbehavior of all kinds. After all, learning to do the right thing is usually accompanied by experiments in doing the opposite. There is no question that cell phones offer opportunities for children to experiment in uncharted territories of all kinds.  And in fact, when granting cell phone usage you are handing to your young child powerful options meant for adult use. You are also giving him the opportunity to explore worlds outside of your supervision. Please don’t even think that your child won’t go there. He is a child; of course he will!

 Predators, cyberbullying, inappropriate content, mischief, theft, loss, hidden costs are just a few of the risks that can accompany cell phone usage.

 Having a cell phone is not a God given right. It is a privilege. And if your answer is that your child needs a cell phone for safety, I suggest you run to invest in a Fire Fly or Tic Talk, one of the cell phones which offers a very limited number of accessible phone numbers. No frills. No worries.

 Otherwise, consider the following:

 How responsible is your child (within reason)?  Does he

• Keep his word
• Follow through with your requests…in a timely manner
• Meet his stated responsibilities…mostly without reminders
• Manage his personal responsibilities
• Accept responsibility for his choices and behavior

 Regardless of when cell phone permission is granted, the child must be an active participant in the privilege of having it. By all means make responsibility a part of his permission to have a cell phone.

 Before the permission is granted, each child needs to be party to an agreement (cell phone contract between parent and child), that outlines your expectations of the child which enable him to have the cell phone privilege.

 The child should participate the financial responsibility for the phone. You might pay the base fee, but he pays for the texting. You might have paid for the first phone, but he pays for the replacements. Each family will have a different plan for fiscal participation and responsibility.

 The caveats are endless when it comes to cell phone use and your child’s journey out of your reach.  Just remember, your ability to supervise your child at home is much greater than it is when he leaves the nest, whether by foot or by technology.   The best you can hope to do is prepare your child for his journey because you sure can’t prepare the pathway for him. It is precisely for this reason that you should think twice and more when deciding when to give your child a cell phone.

 I have been trying to process Julia Siegler’s tragic death all week long. Julia, who ran to catch her bus, crossing against the red light on Sunset, thought she could make it.  Julia’s horrible death was no one’s fault. There is no one to blame, much as everyone tried to point a finger. It was an accident. Julia could have been killed in a cross walk even if the light had been green. The fact is, she ran for it, against a red light.  And what we know is that often kids just don’t think. That’s the long and short of it.

 How many parents make a run for it, cross when the light is red, roll through the stop sign (“the California stop”), jay walk? Lots of us do. And we do it when our kids are in the car, in a stroller, or hurrying right along with us.  When I was a school director, I went out of my mind when parents made a run for it, jaywalking right across the perpetually trafficky Barrington Avenue at Olympic Boulevard, nursery school child in tow. Are you kidding?

 Every time we hurry through a yellow light turning red, roll through a stop, cross on a red, our children are watching. And what is the message? It’s okay…go for it! We’ll be fine.

What’s the hurry, I ask you. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll be late. Okay, you’ll be late. Next time you’ll leave a little earlier.  Well, I think in Julia’s death we know only too well what the worst is. It happened.   

 It’s time to slow down. Hurrying is enemy. Not only does it often undermine whatever we are trying to accomplish (C’mon. Hurry ! Hurry! We’re going to be late!), as your child slows to a snail’s pace, spikes growing out of the soles of his shoes, adhering him to the earth, but it puts us at risk.  Hurrying takes our attention away from the business at hand. If you are rushing to make the light, are you really thinking about all the possible hazards? 

There are no guarantees.  But maybe if we parents make it a habit to walk to the corner crosswalk, to wait for the light to turn green, to slow down, fate won’t be tempted. If it isn’t even an option then maybe, just maybe our kids will practice the same, never even considering to go against a red light.

There will be times when we need our kids to speed it up. But to quote the great John Wooden, “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”  Instead,  hurry up and slow down. If not for your sake, then for your children’s.