“Coach Accused of Punching Son”  The headline in the LA Times caught my eye.  A youth baseball coach is facing a simple assault charge for punching his 9 year old son in the face after the boy was ejected from a game.  Are they kidding? I read it again.  [Coach’s name] of suburban Harrisburg was charged after he allegedly struck his son twice with a closed fist…  I read it one more time to make sure I was reading it correctly. Yep, that’s what it said alright.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

I just hung up the phone from my very own bff who was rushing to her mother’s hospital bedside in San Diego. Her world is falling apart. Loaded with her own issues of life and work and now her very ill mother, she needed to complain and unload…and unload and unload. She ended the conversation with, “I just don’t know what I would do without you. You are my bestest friend in the whole world.”

Last week in her article in the New York Times, A Best Friend, You Must Be Kidding, author Hilary Stout explored the question “Should a child really have a best friend?”  I read this piece and my jaw dropped to my chest. No, YOU must be kidding!

 This article references tweens and teens, their texting, their exclusionary tendencies, and bullying, seeing these as being some of the adverse effects of bff relationships. Apparently educators and school administrators across the land are trying to tone down the best friend culture, as a means to dealing with the epidemic of  “mean girl” issues. (I suppose the male equivalent is bullying.)  In so doing, among the outcomes they are hoping for is to curb the tide of parental involvement (calls to the school) regarding their children’s social issues, whether the child is the victim or the perpetrator.

 Many children have best friends; some children do not.  There is, however, no question of the upside to having a bff.  For the young child, this friend often provides a bridge from home to the world, enabling a separation that would otherwise be  difficult.  For single children (without siblings) the bff plays a completely different role; sometimes it’s a faux sibling relationship. For sure and for all, the best friend provides opportunities for lessons and growth in all realms of development, from social and emotional, to the cognitive and physical. 

 It is when the child, regardless of age, exists in the relationship without parental (and sometimes  school) guidance that it can go south.  It is the uncensored relationships, bff and otherwise, that can certainly undermine the development of moral and value based social skills.

 Whether a child has a bff or not, she still must learn social skills—to get along with different kinds of people, to be respectful and kind, to navigate different social scenes.  In short, she must learn acceptable social behaviors, all the different varieties. This is what social intelligence is about.  It is a parent’s job, often along with the school’s, to facilitate her child’s acquisition of these social skills.  It doesn’t start when the child is 10; it starts when the child is 2 years old. And it walks hand in hand with the development of and lessons in empathy.

 It is also a parent’s job to address the social ills that her child may perpetrating…mean girls, gossip, bullying, exclusivity. And it is the school’s job to have policies regarding these same behaviors as it affects school life.

 There is an epidemic of bullying  and mean girl behaviors in this country; this is common knowledge. In an attempt to find a solution, those who blame the bff relationship may be cutting off their noses despite their faces. The answer is not in sabotaging, even forbidding these relationships. The answer is in addressing the ills—having policies and consequences and teaching lessons.

Children who are raised in homes and in schools in which values, ethics, and moral behaviors are modeled, stressed, taught, and rewarded will learn to have best friends and do the right thing. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 As do most of us, I have a bff and I have other friends too, from all walks of my life. My bff is in need right now. I will call in the troops and widen the circle of support  Thank goodness I have many on whom to call.

 When I was pondering the Introduction to my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, it occurred to me that all I really needed to write was one sentence:  Be the person you want your child to be. Four pages later, that didn’t happen. But I still believe it.  Children need to be surrounded by adults who live by and model the character traits and values that matter most if you want them to absorb those values.

 Last week a news story rocked the world of major league baseball.  Armondo Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers pitched a perfect game…almost.  By so doing he would have joined the elite ranks of a very few ball players in the history of the game. It was quite a feat. But he didn’t get credit for it; his accomplishment got derailed by an umpire’s call.  Now here is the amazing part of the story.  After the game had ended, umpire Jim Joyce stepped out in public to say that the call he had made which destroyed the perfect game, was in fact, wrong.  It was a bad call.  He had made a mistake.  No excuses. Bad call. Wow!

 The sports world went wild.  It wasn’t fair!  Galarraga was robbed!  He should have had that perfect game.  Everyone had an opinion. Here’s mine:  Bravo!

 Doing the right thing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it brings disappointment or embarrassment;  sometimes it feels bad, hurts someone’s feelings (albeit unintentionally) or cause someone to suffer consequences;  sometimes you are villainized.  But in the end, you are left with the best feeling of all:  You did the right thing. That means you get to awaken with a clear conscience. You can look at yourself in the mirror and stand tall. With all that you risk in making the tough call—doing the right thing—the greatest reward is your positive, authentic sense of yourself.

Our world is chock full of glaring examples of people who have not made the right choice. From Bernie Madoff to Lindsay Lohan, sports heroes to politicians, coaches to clergymen, friends to family members. They are everywhere, and our children hear about them. 

 But how often to we and our children hear about someone who has done the right thing? How often do people step up and admit their mistakes, without any excuses? Not often enough.  How can we expect our children to step up when the models in their lives do not?

Making a mistake is how children learn not to make that mistake. Being able to own that mistake is an important part of the process, part of the learning and the growing.

 You may be furious at Jim Joyce for raining on Armando Galarraga’s parade. He didn’t get his perfect game.   But he is my hero. Tell your kids about it.

In response to my recent appearance on the Today Show  –  http://www.clicker.com/tv/today-show/Brat-proof-your-child-866570.html  in case you missed it! —  a  woman wrote to tell me I was off base. She said that children are naturally brats and are naturally selfish.

 While I would not be quick to countradict this mother  of 4 and grandmother of  11  who clearly has a lot of experience,  I  must say she is right and she is wrong.  She is correct: children are born selfish.  Infants and toddlers need to be selfish. That is, in fact, how they get their needs met.  They are responding to their own most basic of instincts – survival.   How else would we know to feed the child  if he didn’t cry out of hunger or relieve him from the discomfort of a soaked diaper?

 But as the child grows, it is the parents who help to modulate that selfishness. As he learns that other people with feelings, needs, desires exist, so does the child learn to delay gratification and begin to consider others.  And slowly the parent helps to move the child out of his perceived place in the center of the universe to take his rightful place along the side with everyone else. Selfishness begins to subside.

 But children are not born brats. No way, no how.  

 The whole point of my new book, You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12 Year Old Child, which is now available online and at bookstores everywhere, is how we keep our kids from becoming brats.  Children are not predisposed, not genetically nor biologically, to be brats.  They are born with the capacity to have all of those character traits that enable them to be competent, confident, terrific children and adults, satisfied and making their way in the world and able to handle what life throws their way…and not be brats!

 This journey does not happen without a parent’s hard work.  Inculcating your child with the values you want him to take with him into adulthood, making manifest the character traits (for which he has the capacity) that enable a child to stay on track, with maybe only an occasional wrong turn, is part of a parent’s job, a big part.  And it isn’t easy at all. 

 Every parent wants to see her child happy in the moment. “I spend so little time with him, I hate to spend it in a fight.”  Or “I just can’t stand to hear him cry. It breaks my heart.”  These confessions I hear all the time.  But I am talking about the long haul.   Too often pleasing your child in the moment means sabotaging his growing ability to take care of himself and make himself happy in the big picture.  Sometimes loving your child means not pleasing your child and tolerating his unhappiness.  Parenting to brat proof is about making the hard call. It is also about clear communication, expectations, and the trusting relationship you have with your child. None of this happens by accident.

 It is from parents and from experience that children learn how to be in the world, how to behave, and what is expected of them.  It is through practice on you that so much is learned.  As you well know, children save their worst behavior for the people whose love they trust the most…that’s you! So, unfortunately, likely you will see the brattiest of behaviors as your child figures out what works and what doesn’t.  It’s the experience he needs.   Actually, that’s the good news  because it gives you the opportunity to work on all those traits you want him to cultivate, the ones that must be caught and not just taught.

 Don’t you want to run out and buy my new book? I hope so…and tell your friends, too!

With your first born child, it’s pretty easy to control his diet of everything—sugar, television, war toys, choice of friends—for the first few years anyway. But then he hits school age, somewhere after five years old, kindergarten age, and the once controlling parent begins to question some of her controls.  My child is the only one who doesn’t…and now you fill in the blank.

Most parents know that they are fighting a losing battle if they are too orthodox about their restrictions.  Never allow your child sugar, and he will begin to crave it or sneak it. Never allow your child even to pretend that his Tinker Toy is a gun, and everything will become a gun (including graham crackers chewed into just the right shape!).

 But what happens when allowing your child to do the very thing you have restricted compromises your values?  Video games are a case in point.  There are parents, many in my practice, who have done a yeoman’s job of keeping screen time out of their children’s growing years, knowing that children thrive on interactive, creative play and social activities. Now they are faced with their child being “the only one of his friends who doesn’t have video games.”  This is a real tough one.  I assure you that there is no perfect, one-size-fits-all answer to this dilemma.

 If you are a parent who has managed to keep X Box, DS, Wii and the like out of your child’s life, I applaud you!  There is absolutely no reason that is good enough to have such entertainment in your child’s life before he is elementary school age. That said, I am not sure how long it will last or should last. A big part of growing up and developing social intelligence has to do with fitting in, speaking the language of peers. For most kids that is somewhere around 7 or 8 years old.

 When my children were in 4^th or 5^th grade, and I had successfully kept network television out of their lives, they complained that they were the only ones on the lunch benches who didn’t watch The Cosby Show. They felt out-of-it and couldn’t participate in the Friday reviews of the Thursday night show. “Well,” I said, “then let’s figure out how to make this work for you.”  And after homework and chores, Bill Cosby and his television family became part of our family once a week.

 Deciding if you should let video games into your child’s life (and yours by extension) has to do with several things, specific questions you need to consider about your child and yourself.

 About your child:

•  Is he able to entertain himself?
• Does he get his homework and chores done without much urging?
• Is he able to follow family rules?
• Does he try to negotiate his way out of limits?
• Does he tend to become an addict?
• What will not having video games mean for him?

 About you:

• Are you able to set parameters and limits around various privileges?
• Are you able to withstand your child’s budding debate and negotiation skills?
• Can you tolerate his complaining and whining?
• Can you create reasonable, appropriate, and therefore effective consequences?
• Are you able to follow through on those consequences for limit infractions?
• Do you know why video games are an issue for you?
• Is this really about your child, or is it about you?

  You need to consider carefully what having and not having video games in your child’s life will mean for your child and for your whole family.

 I believe in most things in moderation.  When the time comes to introduce into your child’s life something that has previously been withheld, think about taking very, very small bites. It is kind of like introducing new foods to an infant. Then watch how your child handles it, how it affects him and the family.  If the use or non-use takes over his life and yours, then likely your child is not ready.  Modulating is a skill that grows over time.

 There is one bit of reassurance I will share. Your children will pick up your true values and beliefs regardless of the extent to which you allow things such as TV, video games, war toys into his life.  Your child watches you, notices your facial expressions, hears you talk to others. Your messages are being transmitted and received all the time. Your discussions around the dinner table, in the car, at tuck time communicate your values, and your child is taking it in. He may not be able to agree with you; his is job is to fight you like the dickens, as he becomes an individual. But he gets it.   You may not see the result now, but when he is a father, you will see it and smile!

It seems like there is something for everyone in this Winter Olympics, and it’s easy to become an addict. The entire event is packed with heart-racing excitement as well as examples of natural talent, acquired skill, and athleticism.  Don’t you just sit on the edge of your chair?

But there is more.  While I am a believer in limited screen time for children, especially commercial television, the Olympics are providing our children (and us) with important lessons and messages that are hard to find in daily life, making the screen time well worth it.  In fact, I think the Olympics give new meaning to the show title American Idol.

Did you watch Lindsay Vonn’s Gold Medal run in the Women’s Down Hill?  My heart raced right along with her skis.  Her elation upon winning was contagious.  And her cathartic tears as she described the extreme effort she put forth, the result of which was achieving her goal and her dream, told the tale. 

The same held true for Shaun White, the Red Tomato, and watching him was better than Cirque du Soleil!  A fellow snow boarder described the amount of effort and time he put into his perfecting his tricks and style, “We didn’t see him for a year.”

The athletes of the Olympics are providing just the kinds of heroes we want our kids to have: people who dream big, who set goals, who have passion and devotion, who take risks, who work incredibly hard, who sacrifice who give their all. 

Even though most of the events of the Olympics are individual, each athlete is part of a team, either a specific event team or the country team.  Watching each participant cheer for his team mates, sharing the successes and the disappointments, is a magnificent demonstration of empathy and team loyalty.  Sometimes you lose, but you really can be  thrilled that your teammate has won at the same time.

Some of the athletes reached the moon; but most did not. And that is an equally, if not more important message. You can set you sights high, you can give your very best effort and still not win the medal.  How often do our children get to see failure (of sorts), disappointment, modeled?  Not very often.   The athletes of the Olympics are models of sportsmanship. No tantrums and running away for them!  And the best part?  Those same skiers get up the next day, snap on their skis and try again…and again and again.

 If you haven’t shared the lessons of the Olympics, you still have a chance. Take the time to introduce your children to some real idols, American and all the others.

For the great majority of young children, the headlines about Tiger Woods will pass right over their heads.  But for the child whose parents or older siblings are hyper tuned into sports, who overhears the news or casual conversation, for the child who is focused on sports and sports news or who is a budding golfer, he just may hear that another hero has fallen. What the heck does a parent say?

 We have been through this kind of revelation too many times before. With sports stars and politicians…President Clinton, John Edwards, and Koby Bryant, to name just a few. There is never a right answer. How does a parent explain poor judgment, poor choices, unethical or immoral behavior?

 Just like the others before, this is a tricky one. It makes even the most confident parent sweat. And it brings up many different issues and questions. Rather than to try to offer answers to the touchy questions which could spring forth, I offer the Tiger Woods story as another opportunity to talk with your children about real life.  It is an opportunity to have multiple conversations on a variety of topics, many starting points listed below. At the very least, this latest, disappointing news gives you an opening to underscore your personal beliefs and values. Those are the ones you pray your child takes with him into adulthood.

• Do you always believe what you read in the paper or in print?
• Do you believe all of what you hear on the news?
• Can we really know the whole story? (about Tiger or anyone else)
• What is gossip?
• What happens to the victims of gossip?

• What is a hero?
• Who are your heroes and why?
• How do people get to be heroes?
• Do we expect more from heroes than from regular folk?
• Do heroes have an obligation to behave in certain ways?
• Does having a lot of money make people happy?
• Does having a lot of money give someone permission to do things that are immoral or illegal?

• Is there such thing as a perfect person?

• What is the difference between a mistake and a bad choice?
• How do people learn from these?

• What is forgiveness?
• Should people who make bad choices be forgiven?
• Should people who make mistakes be forgiven?

• Do “famous people” ever have a “private life?”

• What does marriage mean? (Here is your chance to talk about the sacredness and the obligation of marriage vows)
•  What does trust mean?

 If you child asks what Tiger did, depending upon the child’s age, the starting point is  “It is reported that Tiger was having a close relationship with a woman who was not his wife.”  Remember to follow your child’s lead and do not offer more than he has asked. Less is likely enough.  Not answering or avoiding the question will give your child a different, stronger message. That message will be about your willingness to communicate with him. Children whose parents answer their questions will come back with more questions.

 I don’t envy any parent having to discuss infidelity. But I believe that it is only a small part of the discussion.   There is so much more to be learned from this and from all the other fallen hero news stories.  Take advantage…but only if your child brings it up first.   

 Recently my friend Brent shared with me a story about his 11 year old daughter, Taite,  He said,  “I know you are going to love this story.”  He was right.

  Taite was given two birthday gift cards to Target. Coupling those with a little additional cash, she was eager to spend her booty on several different items. Accompanied by her dad, she relished her journey around Target, perusing her many choices, carefully collecting coveted items in her cart, and painstakingly keeping a running tab.  Fifteen items in all.  As the register tape hit the magic $70, Taite was mortified to hear the dreaded words, “And that will be $6.46 tax.”  With all the Saturday shoppers lined up behind her, she began the painful process of de-selection. Which of her beloved, coveted and carefully chosen items must be returned to accommodate that darn 9.25% tax?  Impatient tapping feet and drumming fingers, shoppers in line watched the tab eek down, finally reaching  $63 before tax.   “You need just $.54 more.”  As Taite rummaged around the bottom of her purse, fishing out penny after nickel, the cashier offered, “Here, I have $.46 in my pocket.”  A similar offer came from the lady next in line, and the next and the next.  But my friend Brent saw the lesson brewing and rejected their offers. “She’ll take care of it.”  The last penny, covered in lint and a few stray hairs, did the trick.    $70.46.   Taite bought almost all of what she wanted, and it was all with her very own money.

How many lessons were learned at Target that Saturday!

•  Sometimes you have to make hard choices
• You don’t always get just what you want
• Your Daddy loves you enough to insist that you take responsibility for yourself…despite your complaints and the groans of the impatient shoppers.
• The easy way out is usually not the best way out, nor does it teach the lesson
• Some kinds of help to children aren’t really helpful in the long run
• Proper parenting doesn’t necessarily lead to a popular review (from your child, other family members, or onlookers)
• Taxes can be taxing

 Hopefully, this holiday season you will have the opportunity to teach your children some meaningful lessons..about choices or taxes.

As Thanksgiving approaches, most of us firm up plans for “the feast.”  At whose house will it be? What will I bring? What’s the best sweet potato recipe?  Then the day comes and it’s all about rush-rush, clean the house or clean the kids, cook the food, set the table, get everyone dressed…and then it’s over. 

Maybe the kids talked about  Thanksgiving  at school. They told the story (remembering the Mayflower, the pilgrims, the Native Americans–Indians is not pc). They planted corn, made corn bread, ground cranberries. And finally, they talked about what each child was thankful for (each child repeating what the one before him said…”my mommy, my mommy, my mommy, my daddy…”)

It’s all good and yummy. But what’s a parent to do to make it meaningful?  After all, thanksgiving is about expressing gratitude.

I think the problem is that we at home aren’t doing our part to bring out the thanks in Thanksgiving.  In fact, what we should be doing is making gratitude a part of every day. But that’s another topic. (In my new book which will be released next April, I have a whole chapter just on gratitude!)  Why not make a little more of Thanksgiving by putting the thanks back into it as the holiday approaches?

A client of mind shared a tradition that her family has developed. On the first day of November, each family member is assigned a color strip of paper on which he will write every day something for which he is grateful. (The little ones get to dictate), completing the phrase, ”I am thankful for…” on his color strip of paper. Daily those strips are collected into a special container. And on Thanksgiving, with great ceremony, the strips are read. Some of the answers are sincere, some are emotional, some are just plain silly or repetitive, but all are given equal air time. Everyone gets to hear what others have said.  And I can promise you, it is both thought and conversation provoking. Children actually absorb what others say and do!

When it comes right down to it, what are you grateful for? Does your child know that? Being grateful starts with creating a consciousness about it and not just at school and not only on the third Thursday of November.

In my last post, I addressed balancing a child’s media diet–how much and when.  As challenging as that  issue is, it is  almost easier to address than the question of content– what media is okay for your child. 

In today’s world of so much, so young,  deciding  what is okay and what isn’t can be daunting. Remember how many of you thought Baby Einstein was a good idea?  Now parents are scrambling for a refund. Who knew? (By the way, I did, and I have been steering parents away from Baby Einstein and all screens for young children for years.)  In response to my last post,  I received a thoughtful, detailed  response from a reader, Sharon Gold.  She recommends a website to help parents to decide if particular movies are appropriate for their children. The website does not judge; it gives information.

“…  I recommend to you and your readers a website called “Kids In Mind” (www.kids-in-mind.com). This website uses objective criteria to rate films on a scale of 0 to 10 in three categories: (1) SEX/NUDITY, (2) VIOLENCE/GORE & (3) PROFANITY. The site also explains in detail why a film rates high or low in a specific category, and, for the parents’ benefit, it lists scenes in the three categories. In addition, the site includes instances of SUBSTANCE USE, a list of DISCUSSION TOPICS that may elicit questions from children, and it sets forth MESSAGES the film conveys. …the site does not make any judgments or age-specific recommendations. ..”

But knowing if a movie is okay for your child may only be half the battle. In today’s highly competetive parenting environment, when parents don’t want their child to be left out, to be the only one who hasn’t seen the show, it is even trickier to make  the tough call and say No! Choosing not to allow your child to see the movie that everyone else is seeing is just that– a tough call. Likely, you’re going to hear about it from your child and from your friends, too.

I use the word choose purposefully. You do have a choice, after all. That may mean that you are bucking the tide, you are a salmon swimming up stream, and that your child calls your “the meanest mom in the whole world,”  but so be it. Only you know your child, and only you know what media content supports not only his current development but also your values.

You will never regret saying no, making the hard call  for now.  No can be revisited. But you can never take yes back. Once the movie has been seen, the images stick and the messages resonate.