The majority of my kids’ parties happened in our yard because we had the space.  They ran the gamut: Olympics party; break dancing party; western party; tea party…to name a few. The cakes were homemade; the favors were trinkets; the guest lists were small.   I write, however, not to pat myself on the back, but rather to marvel at how birthday parties have changed. Welcome to the world of competitive birthday partying.

 Birthday parties used to be about a child and his friends. Today’s parties include the child guests, their siblings, their parents…and, by the way, the caregiver, the visiting relatives, and a friend for the sibling.

 Birthday party themes used to be age appropriate. Activities were simple and loads of fun. Today’s parties aim to outdo all the others; the fancier, more grown-up and wildly different, the better. The ante keeps getting upped, and the emphasis is no longer on the child and his birthday. It’s “Look what I did for my child.”

 Birthday fare used to be cake and apple juice. Throw in a cheese pizza if a meal is on the agenda. Today’s parties boast a broad buffet of options for the pickiest palates with a vegan, glutton free, organic, whole grain, naturally sweetened cake and a fully catered feast for the parents, and oh yes, don’t forget the open bar. I’m exhausted just thinking about it feeding all those people.

 The birthday party favor used to be a small something handed to the guest to assuage any sadness at his not receiving a truckload of gifts as does the birthday boy. Today’s favors put some birthday gifts to shame. And what’s with the candy in the bag? No one allows her young child to roam free in candyville, and yet goodie bags are padded with forbidden sweet junk.

 Most children are thrilled by just the prospect of the upcoming birthday party. Young children, in particular, are content with far less than parents realize. It is the parents who go overboard, and they ruin it for all the rest.

 (There are some children who prefer to steer clear of the event and the inherent attention, avoiding the spot light and even the singing of the birthday song. They are the exception. For these children, skip the party. You’ll both be happier.) 

 The time has come to get back to birthday party basics and to remember, it’s the child’s birthday.

1.  The guest list.  How much better it would be for your child if you adhered to the birthday party rule:  Invite as many kids as  years your child is old, plus one. If your child is turning 4, invite 5 friends. I know, I know—there are school rules about inviting all the girls/boys.  At least keep in mind the reality that most kids do better among fewer friends. Remember, it is your child’s party, not yours. Your friends, neighbors, distant relatives, work associates will understand. This should not be your pay-back time.
2. The theme. The theme and activities should be based on your child’s interests and age. Less really is more. Just being together with peers generates plenty of excitement for children. Make it easy on yourself, too.  All kids love cookie decorating, especially licking the frosting off the plastic knife! Remember Pin the Tail on the Donkey?  Relay races including running with eggs in spoons?  Kids still love simple games and activities.  Many people don’t have yards and homes that accommodate a party. Gyms and other venues can be great. But we’re not talking about renting out the baseball stadium for practice with the Dodgers.
3. The food. Remember this:  the kids don’t care! Keep it simple and give yourself a break. And since you’re not inviting the guests’ families, let the one accompanying parent eat the kids’ food. By the way, parents love pizza, too.
4. The favors.  Kids don’t need goodie bags. If one parent stops giving them, the rest will follow suit, and everyone will be relieved, I promise. The favor is the fun time at the party. If you’re worried that the guest will feel deprived, then remind yourself that every child has a birthday every year. It’s time he learns to delay gratification. His turn to be the birthday boy will come.
5. The birthday gift.  Does your child need anything?  I doubt it. Most families house their own, personal Toys R Us. I am not Ebenezer Scrooge; I do think kids should get a few gifts. But ten gifts are not necessary. The more they get, the less they appreciate.   If you start young, your child will not grow to expect to receive a gift from each guest. Even better, why not ask your guests to donate to your charity of choice in honor of your child.

 Putting the child back in his own birthday party has to start somewhere. Let it start with you, this year.

The mom of a 17 year old shared the story of taxi-ing her newly minted driver-daughter and a friend to a party.  After the mom stopped at the corner sign, the friend exclaimed, “Wow! You came to a full stop.  My mom always rolls through them.”

Your kids learn to how drive long before they are learning to drive.  In the same way that you model behaviors of all kinds, so do you teach your child how be safe on the road, how to operate a lethal weapon called a car, and how to be a driver. 

The mandatory driving lessons and practice time behind the wheel teach a teen how to operate the vehicle. But how does she learn driving behaviors and habits, ones that will help keep her safe on the road? These are the lessons that your child starts absorbing as soon as she can climb into his car seat all by herself.

 For anyone who drives with a child in the car, there are five particular areas that are worthy of your attention, whether your child is 4 years or 14…because is he watching. 

1. Obey all the traffic rules. Sounds obvious, I know. But if you are in the habit of rolling through that stop sign, if you make risky left turns, if you speed up to make it through the yellow light, guess what you are teaching your one-day-to-be driver? You can preach the importance of obeying the traffic rules, but your own rule-following teaches the real lesson.
2. Never drink and get behind the wheel.  Everyone knows this one, and evidence shows that a parent’s admonitions, real life examples of resultant tragedies, and the parent’s own modeling are all crucial teachers. But if it’s okay for you to have just one glass of wine and then drive, it will be okay for your child to do the same. Don’t do it. And in front of your child, state that Mommy is not driving because I had a beer.
3. Do not touch your handheld device.   Even in Bluetooth enabled cars, drivers are distracted by their smart phones—texting, locating numbers, looking at calendars while driving. Your kids are watching you. Even if you text at a stoplight, not only are you tempting fate, but you are shouting the message that it is okay to do so. Don’t…ever!
4. Driving is not hands free.  Men shave in the car; women put on makeup with one hand. My husband saw a man practicing with drum sticks on the steering wheel as he drove.  A mom admitted to me, “I totaled a car because I was eating as I drove.” Don’t model multi-tasking while driving.  Your children need to see you give 100% of your attention and all of your body to the task at hand:  driving.
5. Drive patiently. Even those of us who are challenged by patience, must cultivate a driver personality that embraces it. Road rage leads nowhere good. Honking, calling other drivers names, berating the woman who cut you off is not likely the driver personality you want your child to imitate.

Parenting a child who drives a car requires a kind of trust and letting go for which nothing can prepare you. You can’t control the world—all the other drivers— in order for your child to be safe. But by your own driving behavior, you can teach your child to be a sane and smart driver, a lesson he will not learn in driving school. It’s not too soon. Start now.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t many things I could or should change about myself. In fact, the list is embarrassingly long, and it would take many New Years to work my way through it, failure after failure.

Recently I watched a TED Talk about mindfulness and gratitude.  (http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.html#.Tu )  I have watched many of these talks, but this one—Louie Schwartzberg—blew me away. It sparked in me the closest thing to a resolution that I will have ever made: pay attention.  The good news is that the advice is nothing new. Being aware is something not only that I practice in my life but also that I preach in my work– mindful parenting.

Over the years I have met hundreds of parents. Some are helpless; some just stuck; some misguided; some are uber-confident.  The most effective parents share one trait: they are mindful.  Mindful parenting starts with keeping your eyes wide open. It’s like the flower’s growth revealed by time-lapse photography—your children blossom before your eyes every day, but only if you tune in.

Parenting effectively is an outgrowth of acting in thoughtful (as in, full of thought) and deliberate ways. Mindful parents think about what they do and say; they don’t shoot from the hip. You know those times when you open your mouth and out pops your father and the exact words you swore you would never spew?
It doesn’t mean that your deliberate actions will necessarily yield the desired behavior from your child. (We are talking about people, after all.) It does mean that you will eventually get there because you are observing, thinking, evaluating; you are parenting actively. Mindful parents think about and take responsibility for their actions with their children, and they make course corrections.

 In his talk, Schwartzberg shares a taste of his Happiness Revealed Project. It is breathtaking. In the piece, the older gentleman implores us to open our eyes to each day, “…It is not just another day; it is a day that was given to you. It’s a gift, a gift that was given to you right now.”  And so it is with your children. Each day you have with your child is a gift. You have just one life with each, so don’t let it get away. Pay attention and be mindful. You don’t have to resolve to do it; just do it. It’s right there in front of you.

The omnipresence of Christmas trappings fuels what is known as the “December Dilemma.” Many a Jewish parent recalls lusting after Christmas trees as a child, and that memory is enough to push her over the edge, all the way to the Christmas tree lot. Some go so far as to call said tree a Chanukah Bush or a Holiday Tree, claiming it is just part of the winter season.

Truth be told, it isn’t only the Jews who want what isn’t theirs at the holidays. Parents have shared with me stories of their Christian kids wanting to celebrate Chanukah because it lasts 8 nights. I once read an article about non-Jewish kids who were feeling deprived because they were not having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Their parents’answer?   The Faux Mitzvah! A big party with a d.j. that mimicked the Bar Mitzvah reception, but given for no reason at all. No joke.

(If I were a clergywoman, I would continue here about why Christmas trees and wreaths are a part of Christian observance and why Chanukah and its 8 nights celebrate a victorious freedom fight. But I write from the perspective of a child development and behavior specialist.)

No parent, regardless of religion, wants to be the cause of her child’s disappointment. So, in much the same way that parents have a hard time saying no to their kids about many things (No pierced ears, no ipad, no nights at the mall…), unless there is a strong religious conviction, some Jewish parents just give in and get the tree. It’s better, they conclude, than being on the receiving end of the whining and the – “That’s not fair!” cries.  But what is the lesson? It certainly isn’t to tolerate disappointment.

Children need to learn that you can enjoy something without owning it.  Think about the library. You can borrow books, ten at a time, read them over and over for two whole weeks, and then return them.

The Parenting Center I founded was another example. Magnificently stocked with the most interesting, unique, uncommon toys I could find, it was play heaven.  Not a day would pass that a parent wouldn’t ask where I had purchased the Tree Blocks or another toy that she must have for her child.  I explained, “It’s really okay for your child to use those sand tools just while he’s here at school. He doesn’t need to own them.” (And I wouldn’t share the source, just to drive home the lesson.)

As young children grow, their interest in and experience with the winter holidays changes. They learn that everyone celebrates everything differently—Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza.  It is well within the range of normal development for children to want for their own anything (and everything) that appeals to them. Knowing that lots of Jewish families are experiencing the December Dilemma, I offer the following tips.

·     Keep your own feelings in check. If you feel sad or even guilty, as if you are depriving your child of something, your child will absorb those feelings. You need not feel guilty that Santa isn’t a part of your celebration.

·     Honor your child’s feelings. Take this opportunity to walk your child through her/his feelings of disappointment.  Life is filled with times when we can’t “have it all”.  Understanding that and giving your child the opportunity to reflect those feelings and help him develop coping skills is a gift. It will teach a tolerance for disappointment which is a critical, life-long lesson.

·     Play reindeer games. Help your child to learn that you can love and appreciate something without bringing it into your home. You can go to a Christmas tree lot and play hide and seek, as you smell the fragrant trees. You can get yourselves invited to a friend’s house to trim their tree. You can count the number of wreaths you see on front doors.  You can pile in the car in your pj’s and search for Christmas lights all over the city.

·       Use all eight days. Take pains not to position yourselves as Jews who are “missing out” on something.  Rather, be creative in your celebration of Chanukah, creating all kinds of family experiences, rituals and traditions. You have 8 days to celebrate, and on each of these you can do something different and special (a dreidel night; a baking night; a game night; a making-gifts-for-others night; a party night; and a few gift nights, too.)

 Let me put your mind at ease. You have not been lying to your child if you have allowed Santa Claus to be part of your Christmas celebration.  Santa is a cultural myth; he is part of our folklore.

 Almost all young children’s celebration of Christmas has included Santa Claus at some point. He is part of the magic of the holiday. And it is thrilling for children to believe that there is a guy with a white beard and a red suit, who flies through the sky in sleigh pulled by reindeer that carries enough toys for all the children in the whole world. He lands on your roof, finds the exact present you want, comes into your house via the chimney, leaves the gift, eats the cookies, gulps the milk, and climbs back up that same chimney, now off to the next house.  You’d have to believe in magic to buy that one!  How lucky are young children that they do. Oh to believe in magic and Santa again.

 Your child will ask if Santa is real. It might come when he is 5 or even much older, at 8 or 9. The impossibility of the story might just dawn on him, or his buddy who has an older brother might burst his balloon.

 But when your child comes to you, what do you say?  “Well, what do you believe?” Because he wants the magic, he’ll believe. But then that questioning, growing-up voice will persist. “But what do YOU believe?”

 I am not someone who wants to rain on a child’s parade, and I don’t think you are lying.  I think you are doing what your mother did for you, and what her mother did for her. You are passing down the folklore, keeping up the tradition, and allowing your child to fully enjoy the magic while he can.

 “When I was a little girl, I believed in Santa Claus. Now that I am grown up, I have different ideas about him. Each person gets to decide for himself if he thinks Santa is real. What I can tell you for sure is that the story of Santa is part of celebrating Christmas, just like Frosty and Christmas trees and lights and wreaths.”

 And when your 10 year old is on the verge of spilling the beans, bring him into your inner circle. “When Grandma was a little girl, her mommy told her about Santa, and when I was little, Grandma told me about Santa, and when you were little, I told you about Santa. And now you get to help me keep the story going and let your little brother believe in Santa. One day, he will figure it out, just like you did. But he’s just a little boy, so help me to pass on the story to him.”

But is that enough? Are these yearly drives going to teach our kids the habit of giving and sharing? Will they actually make them care about other people, animals, the environment, the planet…? Who is going to take care of our neighbors and of our planet if we don’t teach our children to do it every day?

Children today associate holiday charity mainly with giving to the homeless, feeding the homeless, clothing the homeless.

During the holidays, we are bombarded with cries for help. Especially for people living in cities, the neediness of the homeless is inescapable. But, very young children are exposed to this harsh reality long before they can understand it. Many kids are frightened of people begging on the streets and it’s understandable. They’re seeing unfamiliar affects, mental states, and physical conditions coupled with foreign odors, all scary to young kids.

In an attempt to bring meaning to the message of charity, parents look for ways to help children understand, Who are the homeless? Well-intentioned parents bring their children to dish out food on Thanksgiving. This direct charity can be unsettling for a child donor though. And, think about the recipient. How does the adult man in need feel about a child giving him a handout? I wonder about his pride and self-respect. Perhaps the lesson to the child should take a back seat to the feelings of the needy.

Of course, homelessness is a very real and very prevalent problem.

Yes, it’s honorable to pass out turkey meals on Thanksgiving day. It’s wonderful to pack baskets of food to distribute to hungry people. But true charity, philanthropy, goes beyond the coins that get dropped in the bell ringer’s bucket at the holidays. True philanthropy involves effort and sacrifice. It is daily attitude and habit that encompasses thinking about, caring about, and sharing with others of all kinds, not just the homeless. And, this real philanthropy must be on our minds beyond Thanksgiving and beyond the homeless

When a play-date gets cancelled because a friend is ill, instead of assuaging your child with an ice cream, what about making a get well card for the friend? When you see your neighbor’s newspaper lying in the driveway, why not ask your child to take it to her front door? When a piece of trash litters your pathway, try picking it up.

Philanthropy can be a family activity. My colleague, Meredith Alexander, has created The Acme Sharing Company, countless ideas of other-oriented activities and projects for families to do together. What about making homemade dog biscuits to bring to the local pound? Not only are you focusing caring for homeless pups, but you are doing it together. What about the family spending an afternoon picking up trash off the beach? Who can find the most trash and save it from going into our precious ocean? Now there’s a strong message!

Experience has taught us that philanthropy is contagious. Children who grow up in families who volunteer, who invest their time, energy, and resources in causes dear to them will do the same as adults. The very definition of being a grown-up will include looking beyond one’s own needs. It is caring about the world beyond you in an active way. When I was growing up my mom was the president of my school’s PTA equivalent. Sure enough, I did the same when my own children were in elementary school. Time consuming? Energy? Effort? It’s just what you do.

When philanthropy is built into your life and by extension into your child’s it will become a habit of giving. Why wait for Thanksgiving? It’s for every day.

“You will not believe this story,” began the email from a client who had just returned from family services for the Jewish New Year.  She described the mother and three children sitting next to her own family. “She was knitting!”  (Yes, you read it correctly, knitting.)  “And when she was done knitting, she pulled out her Blackberry and began texting.”  I queried as to her guess of the ages of the children. Elementary and middle school, was her reply.

There really isn’t more I need to write here. You who are taking the time to read this blog know exactly how I feel and what I am going to say.

When I was writing the Introduction to my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I seriously considered having only a single sentence on the page:  Be the person you want your child to be.  We all want our children to be honest, respectful, self reliant, and manifest all the myriad character traits that put them in the position to have options and lead a satisfying life.  Can’t you hear the woman from temple lecturing her children about paying attention and showing respect and all the rest!

Being a parent is a job; it isn’t a birthright. It comes loaded with responsibilities (and yields tremendous pleasure.)  You might as well have signed the contract right after the doctor handed you that tiny newborn. I accept the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

After Love your child, number two on that list is Be your child’s teacher.  Seems obvious I know. But there are those who just don’t get it. There is the mom who insists on respectful talk and yells at the parking attendant… in front of her child. There is the perfectly healthy dad who preaches honesty and tells his colleague that he can’t make the appointment because he isn’t feeling well…in front of his child. You know the mom who demands that her child not use the word “stupid,” the one who screams out Stupid driver! to the car in front of her.  And we all know the dad who insists on his child’s full attention who himself can’t resist looking at his BlackBerry at dinner, during story time, or when he’s just walked into the house.

Children are the first to spot character and value hypocrisy. In fact, they learn by noticing consistency in the world.  Oh Daddy, you said the S word!  They look to you, their first teacher, for validation of what you have taught.  Every day in so many ways you have the chance to model your expectations for your children and bring the lesson home.

Remember this, your children will do what you do, not what you say.

Children whine at different ages for different reasons. No one can say exactly when whining will start, but it can even be as young as 18 months.  It is interesting that early talkers seem also to be early whiners.  The toddler whiner often feels overwhelmed or out of control. He’s just not getting what he wants right at that moment. He doesn’t have the vocabulary to express his feelings, and he likely lacks the ability to delay gratification and to tolerate his frustration.

The preschool whiner often suffers from lousy local conditions. The current environment is sabotaging his ability to use his “regular voice.” (He’s hungry, fatigued, had too many playdates, gone on one errand too many, Mommy’s been out of town, Daddy hasn’t been home for dinner all week, etc…)  For him, whining has become a habit.  He thinks that is the way to get his needs met.  Children whine because it works! You hate it, you tell your child not to do it, you ignore it…and then you explode. Stop whining right now!  You’re just stoking the fire.

Whining fulfills two basic emotional needs that all children have:  the need for attention and the need for power.  The child needs your attention, and whining usually gets it, even if it’s your exasperated, negative response. It is attention, after all.  It also makes the child feel powerful because so often in the end, he actually gets what he wants, including your attention.  While the capacity to whine comes with the package, the use of that behavior is learned and reinforced by you. No one can say exactly when the whining will stop, but its cessation is definitely related to your response.

A child’s whining is a clear message that he needs something. It is a cry for help. He’s frustrated, he’s impatient, he’s overwhelmed, he’s needy, he’s spent, he’s fed up, he’s done. There is always an underlying cause. It’s just that whining is the wrong way to get the help he needs.

To stop the whining, a preemptive approach is always a good idea, especially when it comes to guarding against lousy local conditions.  But making sure that the child is getting the attention he needs, that the houseguests go home, for example, is not always possible.  In that case, here are some suggestions for dealing with and kissing the whining goodbye.

• Whining can never work. Period.
• Keep in mind that your child is asking for help. Let him know that you have heard him and that you will meet that need. (I hear that you want some juice. I will get it for you in one minute if you use your regular voice to ask.) To the younger child you can ask, How can I help you? And follow it by telling him the voice and words he needs to use.
• Do not mimic your child. It is the height of unkindness and disrespect.
• Do let your child hear what he sounds like by setting up a video or recorder in the kitchen, unbeknownst to him. At an unloaded time, play it back, saying, I am not sure you know what it sounds like to me when you whine. You are giving him information and teaching awareness.
• Let your child know that he will not get what he wants if he whines for it. Not ever.
• Develop a signal (a tug on the ear) that you will give to your preschool and older child so he knows to use a different voice to express his need.
• Praise and acknowledge of his use of an acceptable voice. That is just the voice that works!
• Take a look at when the whining seems to occur. Is there a pattern? Perhaps there is something in the child’s environment that can be changed to meet the need he is expressing.  This is part of being attuned to your child.
• If you have encountered a spat of whininess, give some thought to what might be causing it these days.  Is your child getting enough of you?  Has the baby been getting a lot of attention? Often consistent whining signals a child’s need to reconnect with you.
• If the whining is pervasive, start whispering. No kidding! In your child’s attempt to hear you, he will stop whining, and the whining pattern will be broken for the moment anyway.
• If all else fails, hang a sign that says No Whining inside a circle crossed with a diagonal line. When the preschool and older child whines, take his hand, show him the sign, and lead him into another room, saying,  Remember, this is a No Whining room. You can whine out here!

At the risk of repeating what I wrote in last year’s Halloween blog (Let Halloween Be the Kids’ Holiday), it’s time to remind you that the degree of memory-making fun in this holiday is proportional to the child’s direct involvement. Childhood memories that stick are made from hands-on experiences in costume designing, house decorating, pumpkin carving (including, yes, letting the kids handle all the gushy, messy pulp and roasting the seeds, too), candy sorting, and the like. Halloween can be an experience like no other, a total sensory extravaganza!  And it all starts weeks before the big day.

In my little village of Pacific Palisades, the store owners invite the kids to decorate their front windows for Halloween. Already I have seen fabulous child-made witches, ghosts, bats, and haunted houses adorning the antique store and the manicure place.  It was easy to see all the effort the children had put forth. No adult brush strokes were evident. I remember well when my own children, now grown, did the same. Best of all, so do they.

I must admit I have all but given up on getting parents to help their kids to create their own costumes. You know, the homemade kind?   My pleas for doing so are met with complaints of no time, no talent, and frankly, no desire. It’s just so much easier to buy them, they say. But whose needs are they meeting?   What a great experience it is for kids, four years old  on up, to think about what they want to be and figure out (usually with your help) how they might do that. So much better than standing in front of an array of tacky, plastic costumes, trying to choose. I want to be Spiderman, no… Superman, no… Bob the Builder, no… Belle. Year after year, the best costumes that come to my door are the ones that are homemade (or home put together).  And the pride that child feels, exclaiming, “My mom and I made it!” is hard to beat.

Parking lots have sprouted pumpkin patches on every other block. Seasonal Halloween stores have taken over the Lost our Lease storefronts. Stores are fully decked out in black and orange, and the ubiquitous dish of candy corn sits by the cash register. Grocery shelves are overstocked with irresistible specials on all my favorite candy.   Yes, it’s the Halloween season.  And manufacturers are trying to make us believe that they do it best.  Halloween is about much more. It’s about the memories your kids make for themselves and not all the things you buy buy buy.

I admit that Halloween is kind of a strange holiday. We encourage our children to do things that we otherwise discourage:  Go out on the street at night; talk to strangers; accept candy (or anything!) from strangers; eat candy…and lots of it. But Halloween is one of the joys of childhood because of all that. It’s kind of a bandit’s delight, but breaking the rules legally.  Halloween is for the kids and about the kids, and it should be by the kids, too.  That’s what makes it special and truly memorable.

But even when the child is ready, parents today are still declaring No Sleepovers! Their fears run the gamut– safety hazards in the other child’s home, permissions for blacklisted activities or foods, lack of proper supervision, and suspicions about the host’s older brother or even the family father.  I am not going to argue the possibility of these fears coming to fruition. The plane you are taking to  New York  just  might crash, too. And did you know that the majority of car accidents occur only a mile and a half from home?

Why am I such an advocate for sleepovers?  Here are just a few of the benefits:

• The child is exposed to difference. He gets to see that different families do things in different ways. And he see that they all reach the same goal, albeit differently.

• The child is taken out of his comfort zone and survives.  Learning to tolerate discomfort that results from unfamiliarity and emerge successfully on the other side is a life lesson. Life will present your child with much that makes him uncomfortable…at first.

• Risk-taking happens when the child is out of his comfort zone and has to deal with difference and unfamiliarity. Survival usually requires risk. Nothing stays the same for very long.

• Sleepovers require self-reliance, if only because the child is not as dependent away from home as he is with you. At the same time, the child practices his independence.

• Sleepovers necessarily encourage emotional growth.  Being able to tolerate the feeling of being all alone when the lights go out and your friend falls asleep first, is a big step toward emotional maturity.

• Children are often at their best when they are away from you. (Ask any school teacher!)  Staying at someone else’s house provides ample opportunity to be on “good behavior” and practice the manners seldom seen at home.

• And certainly, a night with one less child is a treat for you!

There is much to consider when thinking about sleepovers. While it will be different for every child, the age that sleepovers typically begin is somewhere around 7 years old. However, the most important question is whether or not your child is ready and eager. Among many considerations about your child are:

• Does your child speak up for himself?

• Does your child seek help from others besides you when needed?

• Does your child know and practice your family safety rules?

• Is your child usually reliable?

• Has your child ever spent the night away from you before…at a relative’s house or when you have gone away?”

Considering the host family raises a whole bevy of important questions—Do you  know the parents?  Who else is in the house? Will the parents be home all night?  What are their safety rules? Do they allow their child unlimited access to M & M’s? Will they be watching R rated movies? Some parents will surly drive themselves crazy trying to determine if their child will be safe enough out of their reach…ever.  

In the spirit of my favorite piece of advice, Prepare the Child for the Path and not the Path for the Child, perhaps it’s time to rethink the No Sleepovers rule. There just may be more to gain than the risk you are trying to avoid.