What about all the other feelings, the big feelings–sadness, anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, to name a few– which fall under the umbrella of “unhappy?”  What is the child supposed to do with those feelings and where do they fit in?  Unhappiness, right along with happiness, is a normal part of the human condition. Yet, a child’s unhappiness is often difficult, if not downright painful, for a parent to endure. Why is that?  What does the child’s unhappiness stir up in the parent?

The sinew that connects parent to child–the invisible string–is so strong that a mom feels her child’s discontent. Often it goes beyond normal empathy. His unhappiness can awaken her own unhappiness.Her own less-than-happy childhood memories might surface, difficult feelings that were unrecognized or unexpressed from way back when. Perhaps the dad feels less than competent, even a failure, assuming it is his job to keep his child happy. It is unbearable and so he fixes the feelings, making it all better for them both. Shout hooray, as the song demands.

The stresses of life make a child’s unhappiness hard for parents to stomach.  And, yes, sometimes it is expedient to fix the cause of the unhappiness. Mom doesn’t have time or patience to tolerate her child’s journey through the negative feeling.  Let me fix that. Hurry up and bring it here, and stop fussing.

Sometimes the parent resents the intrusion of unhappiness on what little time they have together. Just give him the candy. I don’t want our time together spent fighting.

The message in all these cases remains the same:  you’re supposed to be happy…all the time.

No one is happy all the time. Most are happy sometimes. Everyone gets irritated, lonely, grouchy and all the rest. And sometimes people are fine.  Nothing special, just plain fine. Through the parent’s reactions to his feelings, the child grows to believe that those other feelings aren’t okay; he should be happy.  That is the desired norm.

Emotional literacy is one of the realms of development that must be woven into growing up. Children need to learn to recognize, name, access, and live with myriad feelings, including the strong ones, all of which are healthy and normal.  When the parent rushes to “fix it,” the child learns not only that a feeling needs fixing but that it’s her parent who has to make it all better. Rescuing the child from his own big feeling sabotages his growing ability to tolerate and swim through it. His emotional literacy is stunted.

In reality, no one can really make someone else feel happy — or unhappy. People regulate their own feelings. Others help by offering ways to express, tolerate, and even tame a strong feeling, but each of us is in charge of our own emotions.

To help your child recognize and tolerate all his feelings, here are six ways to build emotional literacy:

1.  Pay attention to your own feelings. Learn to differentiate between your feelings and your child’s, and keep the boundaries clear.  Doing so will allow you to tolerate the negative emotions.

2. Do not make his feeling your feeling.  Be empathetic without adding octane to the feeling. Acknowledge and validate, but do not fuel his feeling his anger or sadness by adding your own frustration.  Saying I’m really upset that your play date got cancelled, too  just invigorates his disappointment; it will also make your child feel responsible for your feelings, which is not the goal.

3. Teach your child to recognize and name his feelings. Just like learning a new language, he will feel empowered by his ability to communicate. He’ll be more more in control and less less overwhelmed.

4. Support your child’s expression of all feelings, positive and negative.  Saying  Aw c’mon. You’re not really mad about that, are you? not only teaches your child not to trust his feelings, but also says negative feelings aren’t valid.

5. Pause before you jump in to cure unhappiness.  Children need to learn how to soothe themselves. Lend an ear and offer suggestions for the expression and handling of the feeling.  (Boy are you angry! Let’s go find something you can hit really hard to get those angry feelings out)

6. Support resilience.   Children need to experience the reality that in time they will feel better, though in the moment it’s hard to believe. (Right now you are so disappointed. I know that later you’ll feel better. Shall we look at some books together now?). Later, in a calmer moment, point out how before he was so disappointed and now he is fine.

Caine’s dad George claims that he is no special parent. He says he simply knew his son, didn’t force him to do what he didn’t want, and allowed him the space, time, and “stuff” to do his thing. Caine filled his hours with empty boxes while George worked in his Boyle Heights auto body parts shop, side by side. Voila! Caine’s Arcade was born. And what a stir it has created in this city of over-programmed, do-it-all kids and their super goal oriented parents.

Call it down time, call it play time. I call it critical to a child’s development. The importance of unstructured time— no sports practice, no enrichment classes, no tutors, no school work, no playdates, no screens—cannot be over emphasized. Real downtime is when creativity goes up. It is when children’s resourcefulness and creative juices are squeezed, it’s when minds hatch crazy-good ideas. I am quite sure Mrs. Bell, little Alexander Graham’s mother, didn’t schedule his days dawn to dark. I can picture him playing with wires and such (to which we, in our hyper safety conscious world, wouldn’t think of allowing our kids access!)

Children today are never bored. They have no time to be bored; they’re too busy. But it is in those unstructured times when there’s nothing else to do that ideas are born, ideas like using cardboard boxes to create an arcade. But when cries of I’m bored! send parents into fits of anger (With all those toys you can’t find one thing to do?) or guilt (I have to get my work done him so I ‘ll just find something for him to do), the gift of boredom is lost. We just can’t tolerate our child’s unhappiness or boredom, anyway.

On top of that, many of the toys we buy children today stifle their budding creativity. In the olden days, Legos were purchased by the bag, a whole bunch of different size pieces, used over and over again. Today you buy the Lego Castle or the Lego ATV. The child puts it together, copying the picture on the box (that is, if he can without your help). It’s done, and there it sits. Now what? The put-together toys that come without the template are the one that beg the child to create his own masterpiece. They are the ones that invite the child to keep inventing, playing long after the “playing stage” is reputed to be over.

I love loose parts. I know they wreak havoc on playroom clean up—all those pieces strewn about. But it is from loose parts that the imagination’s-wanderings come to life. And it is from loose parts that ideas and inventions are born. Loose parts come in all materials, all shapes, all sizes. They are lengths of tubes or bendy wire, holiday card fronts, scraps of fabric, of ribbon, of wood, empty food boxes, useless keys. Teachers know how to view other people’s trash as classroom treasures. So should you. They are the seeds of resourcefulness and creation.

And the next time UPS truck rolls up with your delivery, get ready . You can have the TV because the real fun is in the box.

Put that tantrum in a public place—a restaurant, the grocery store, the school lobby—and you can add embarrassment, fear, and frustration to your own list of feelings.  The ante is upped.

Believe it or not, tantrums are typical of children all over the world, and they look pretty much the same wherever you go.  I have never heard of a child who makes it through childhood without having a least a few.

At its root, a tantrum is a result of frustration. Whether it is something the child can’t have, can’t do, can’t express, or just can’t tolerate, he is frustrated. His aspirations outweigh his ability. He wants to make all the decisions. He wants what he wants right now!

Couple that with “Lousy Local Conditions” and it’s the perfect storm.  Lousy Local Conditions occur when the environment sabotages the child’s ability to be his best self. Whether he is tired or over tired, hungry, exhausted from your errands, tuckered out from too many birthday parties, too many play-dates, not enough naps, or just missing his traveling parent so much, he is spent. We all know how it feels when your resources are exhausted.

Tantrums rarely occur at convenient times or locations. And they are usually cumulative. The last straw is just the right excuse to let off steam.

Just remember, more often than not, your child did not choose his agenda. His agenda chose him. Tantrums are a part of normal development.

Here’s How to deal with tantrums (when the train has left the station!):

Mind your own emotions.  While the tantrum may make you furious, your anger won’t help; it will only make it worse. The mirror neurons in a person’s brain cause him to match the emotions of the person with whom he is interacting. He will rise to your emotions.  Stay calm, overly calm. It will help to bring him down as well as model that his explosion will not change your behavior or the outcome of the problem.

Keep it safe.   Don’t allow the child hurt herself or anyone else. Clear the area so it is safe place and keep her from damaging her own or anyone else’s possessions. You may need to physically move your child if the tantrum is happening in a place that isn’t safe.

Stay close.   The child in a tantrum feels out of control, so your presence can give her the grounding she needs. But do not interact or talk to the child. Read a magazine, look at your smart phone, but ignore the child. You may calmly say, “I will talk with you when you are all done with your tantrum (melt down).” Then just wait.

The train has left the station.  Once a tantrum has begun, you cannot stop it. It has to run its course. Sometimes that means 2 minutes and sometimes it means 10. Wait it out. No distractions, no talking. The tantrum will ebb and flow until it naturally comes to its own end. Let that happen.

Avoid premature comfort.  Often as a result of the parent’s own discomfort, he tries to calm the child before his feelings are fully expressed. Don’t do it. It won’t work anyway. In addition, it gives the child he message that he needs you, the parent, to make it all better, that you will remove his frustrations. That’s just not the case. He must learn to tolerate his frustrations. A big part of growing up is learning that tantrums don’t work.

The end save.  You can tell when the tantrum is winding down. Then and only then can you say, “Do you need a hug?” or suggest a paradigm shift, “Let’s go outside and see if there are any squirrels.” Sometimes doing so helps a child to save face and move to a calm place.

With the older child, do a revisit.  When you have some distance from the event, an hour or more after, you need to talk about what happened.  “Boy, we really had a hard time in the grocery store. You were so angry at me. Can you tell me more about what was going on?”  After she has the chance to explain her frustration and use language rather than a meltdown to describe how she was feeling, you can say, “You get so angry at me when I won’t buy you what you want. Is there a way we can make it easier for you when we go to the market?” And then you can add, “I can promise you that having a meltdown in the grocery store will never get you what you want.”   Be sure to give her an opportunity to have the experience again, but it will be successful this time. Then praise the behavior.

When in public, your child is your priority.   While it is embarrassing and you wish the earth would open and swallow you up, forget the public, and deal with your tantrumming child. Regardless of his age, get to his level, calmly and firmly state, “This behavior needs to stop or we will leave.” Since it is unlikely that this will work with a little one, be prepared to leave your shopping and immediately take your child outside. In your car or outside, wait for the tantrum/melt down to run its course. Only then will you LEAVE the scene of the crime and go home. No second chances on this one.

When in a restaurant, remove your tantrumming child immediately. You may re-enter only if the child has completely calmed down and knows that such outbursts will not be tolerated in the restaurant. Otherwise, it’s take-out for you; rice cakes for him! When you get home, be sure to give your child no attention. Food yes; attention no.

In both cases, the child will be reminded of what happened using a revisit. As soon as possible he should have a chance to have a successful experience at the grocery store or restaurant, having been reminded of what behavior is expected.

The two questions parents most want to know about tantrums and melt downs are 1) How do I deal with them, and 2) When will they stop?  The first has been addressed. The answer to the second depends on you and your child. But know that, Lousy Local Conditions aside, tantrums must never work. The sooner the child realizes this reality, the sooner they will end.

In seminars across the country, parents flock to learn how to keep their children safe.  While our world is set up for safety, with people whose specific job is safety (police officers, fire fighters, crossing guards, security guards), with laws and measures whose purpose is safety and well-being (seatbelts, inoculations, hand washing),  no one is ever completely safe, including our children. For this reason alone,  we must “prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child” as I have drilled countless times.

 How do we arm our children without alarming them?

From as young as two years old, children need to be taught safety measures that fall under the category of “Family Safety Rules.”  Safety seminars have long lists  of these rules that become part of a child’s everyday life—from children under 10 years not answering the front door without an adult to how to walk safely to school.  But there is more–these are basic safety behaviors for all children and for adults.

 Children need to pay attention to their gut

Children need to be taught to pay attention to their feelings and their instincts about people and environments. This is a tough one because children’s development and temperament influence their feelings and behaviors. The “shy” child recoils when someone looks at him funny;  the child with separation anxiety sees all people through the intruder filter. Children need to learn to pay attention when something makes them feel uncomfortable, to notice when things seems different, unusual, strange, maybe not as they should be, or even just new. And then they need to tell a parent or a different adult. The adult will sort it out.

After the fact, one Miramonte student reported that the teacher in question was her only teacher who ever locked his door. That was different and should have been reported.

Two other children did report to their counselor that their teacher had his hands under his desk in his lap a lot; they thought it was strange.  Good for them!  But they were not heard or honored.

 Adults need to listen to children

Children do not lie about these sorts of things. While they may not be giving an accurate description, they do not lie.  It is a parent’s, teacher’s, school administrator’s job to hear the child, regardless of what he is saying.  Too often an adult downplays or disregards a child’s comment, thinking it can’t be so. Sometimes the adult is deaf to something he doesn’t want to hear, even responding with anger.  We want our children to talk to us, so we must listen to them and welcome their observations and comments.

As my colleague, Dr. Ian Russ, says, “Children always tell the truth. You just have to figure out what the truth means.”  The Miramonte school counselor did not do her job. She should have applauded the children’s stepping forward and dug deeper to discover what their truth was. Clearly, it was not their imagination.

 Children’s feelings should not be undermined.

Saying “You shouldn’t feel that way”  or “Oh c’mon, that didn’t scare you” teaches a child not to trust his own feelings and perceptions.  In order to pay attention to his gut, a child’s feelings must be honored.

 Communication is the key

Even “important” people, those in authority positions or trusted adults, might give a child a funny feeling or behave in unusual or unexpected ways—clergy, coaches, teachers, relatives, neighbors.  No matter who it is who causes “that feeling” in the child, a different adult needs to be told.    

Ask a child what he did at school and you will hear “Nothing “ or “I played.” Sharing the news of his day is often not a child’s strong suit. But in order for adults to keep children safe, they need to know what is happening. A child must be clear that adults always want to hear what is going on, even the things that make the child uncomfortable or worried, big or small. Welcome the communication, regardless of the size or importance. You will be the judge.

 While your parents may have believed that children should be seen and not heard, today’s children must be seen and heard. It is the key to their safety.

 The majority of my kids’ parties happened in our yard because we had the space.  They ran the gamut: Olympics party; break dancing party; western party; tea party…to name a few. The cakes were homemade; the favors were trinkets; the guest lists were small.   I write, however, not to pat myself on the back, but rather to marvel at how birthday parties have changed. Welcome to the world of competitive birthday partying.

 Birthday parties used to be about a child and his friends. Today’s parties include the child guests, their siblings, their parents…and, by the way, the caregiver, the visiting relatives, and a friend for the sibling.

 Birthday party themes used to be age appropriate. Activities were simple and loads of fun. Today’s parties aim to outdo all the others; the fancier, more grown-up and wildly different, the better. The ante keeps getting upped, and the emphasis is no longer on the child and his birthday. It’s “Look what I did for my child.”

 Birthday fare used to be cake and apple juice. Throw in a cheese pizza if a meal is on the agenda. Today’s parties boast a broad buffet of options for the pickiest palates with a vegan, glutton free, organic, whole grain, naturally sweetened cake and a fully catered feast for the parents, and oh yes, don’t forget the open bar. I’m exhausted just thinking about it feeding all those people.

 The birthday party favor used to be a small something handed to the guest to assuage any sadness at his not receiving a truckload of gifts as does the birthday boy. Today’s favors put some birthday gifts to shame. And what’s with the candy in the bag? No one allows her young child to roam free in candyville, and yet goodie bags are padded with forbidden sweet junk.

 Most children are thrilled by just the prospect of the upcoming birthday party. Young children, in particular, are content with far less than parents realize. It is the parents who go overboard, and they ruin it for all the rest.

 (There are some children who prefer to steer clear of the event and the inherent attention, avoiding the spot light and even the singing of the birthday song. They are the exception. For these children, skip the party. You’ll both be happier.) 

 The time has come to get back to birthday party basics and to remember, it’s the child’s birthday.

1.  The guest list.  How much better it would be for your child if you adhered to the birthday party rule:  Invite as many kids as  years your child is old, plus one. If your child is turning 4, invite 5 friends. I know, I know—there are school rules about inviting all the girls/boys.  At least keep in mind the reality that most kids do better among fewer friends. Remember, it is your child’s party, not yours. Your friends, neighbors, distant relatives, work associates will understand. This should not be your pay-back time.
2. The theme. The theme and activities should be based on your child’s interests and age. Less really is more. Just being together with peers generates plenty of excitement for children. Make it easy on yourself, too.  All kids love cookie decorating, especially licking the frosting off the plastic knife! Remember Pin the Tail on the Donkey?  Relay races including running with eggs in spoons?  Kids still love simple games and activities.  Many people don’t have yards and homes that accommodate a party. Gyms and other venues can be great. But we’re not talking about renting out the baseball stadium for practice with the Dodgers.
3. The food. Remember this:  the kids don’t care! Keep it simple and give yourself a break. And since you’re not inviting the guests’ families, let the one accompanying parent eat the kids’ food. By the way, parents love pizza, too.
4. The favors.  Kids don’t need goodie bags. If one parent stops giving them, the rest will follow suit, and everyone will be relieved, I promise. The favor is the fun time at the party. If you’re worried that the guest will feel deprived, then remind yourself that every child has a birthday every year. It’s time he learns to delay gratification. His turn to be the birthday boy will come.
5. The birthday gift.  Does your child need anything?  I doubt it. Most families house their own, personal Toys R Us. I am not Ebenezer Scrooge; I do think kids should get a few gifts. But ten gifts are not necessary. The more they get, the less they appreciate.   If you start young, your child will not grow to expect to receive a gift from each guest. Even better, why not ask your guests to donate to your charity of choice in honor of your child.

 Putting the child back in his own birthday party has to start somewhere. Let it start with you, this year.

The mom of a 17 year old shared the story of taxi-ing her newly minted driver-daughter and a friend to a party.  After the mom stopped at the corner sign, the friend exclaimed, “Wow! You came to a full stop.  My mom always rolls through them.”

Your kids learn to how drive long before they are learning to drive.  In the same way that you model behaviors of all kinds, so do you teach your child how be safe on the road, how to operate a lethal weapon called a car, and how to be a driver. 

The mandatory driving lessons and practice time behind the wheel teach a teen how to operate the vehicle. But how does she learn driving behaviors and habits, ones that will help keep her safe on the road? These are the lessons that your child starts absorbing as soon as she can climb into his car seat all by herself.

 For anyone who drives with a child in the car, there are five particular areas that are worthy of your attention, whether your child is 4 years or 14…because is he watching. 

1. Obey all the traffic rules. Sounds obvious, I know. But if you are in the habit of rolling through that stop sign, if you make risky left turns, if you speed up to make it through the yellow light, guess what you are teaching your one-day-to-be driver? You can preach the importance of obeying the traffic rules, but your own rule-following teaches the real lesson.
2. Never drink and get behind the wheel.  Everyone knows this one, and evidence shows that a parent’s admonitions, real life examples of resultant tragedies, and the parent’s own modeling are all crucial teachers. But if it’s okay for you to have just one glass of wine and then drive, it will be okay for your child to do the same. Don’t do it. And in front of your child, state that Mommy is not driving because I had a beer.
3. Do not touch your handheld device.   Even in Bluetooth enabled cars, drivers are distracted by their smart phones—texting, locating numbers, looking at calendars while driving. Your kids are watching you. Even if you text at a stoplight, not only are you tempting fate, but you are shouting the message that it is okay to do so. Don’t…ever!
4. Driving is not hands free.  Men shave in the car; women put on makeup with one hand. My husband saw a man practicing with drum sticks on the steering wheel as he drove.  A mom admitted to me, “I totaled a car because I was eating as I drove.” Don’t model multi-tasking while driving.  Your children need to see you give 100% of your attention and all of your body to the task at hand:  driving.
5. Drive patiently. Even those of us who are challenged by patience, must cultivate a driver personality that embraces it. Road rage leads nowhere good. Honking, calling other drivers names, berating the woman who cut you off is not likely the driver personality you want your child to imitate.

Parenting a child who drives a car requires a kind of trust and letting go for which nothing can prepare you. You can’t control the world—all the other drivers— in order for your child to be safe. But by your own driving behavior, you can teach your child to be a sane and smart driver, a lesson he will not learn in driving school. It’s not too soon. Start now.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t many things I could or should change about myself. In fact, the list is embarrassingly long, and it would take many New Years to work my way through it, failure after failure.

Recently I watched a TED Talk about mindfulness and gratitude.  (http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.html#.Tu )  I have watched many of these talks, but this one—Louie Schwartzberg—blew me away. It sparked in me the closest thing to a resolution that I will have ever made: pay attention.  The good news is that the advice is nothing new. Being aware is something not only that I practice in my life but also that I preach in my work– mindful parenting.

Over the years I have met hundreds of parents. Some are helpless; some just stuck; some misguided; some are uber-confident.  The most effective parents share one trait: they are mindful.  Mindful parenting starts with keeping your eyes wide open. It’s like the flower’s growth revealed by time-lapse photography—your children blossom before your eyes every day, but only if you tune in.

Parenting effectively is an outgrowth of acting in thoughtful (as in, full of thought) and deliberate ways. Mindful parents think about what they do and say; they don’t shoot from the hip. You know those times when you open your mouth and out pops your father and the exact words you swore you would never spew?
It doesn’t mean that your deliberate actions will necessarily yield the desired behavior from your child. (We are talking about people, after all.) It does mean that you will eventually get there because you are observing, thinking, evaluating; you are parenting actively. Mindful parents think about and take responsibility for their actions with their children, and they make course corrections.

 In his talk, Schwartzberg shares a taste of his Happiness Revealed Project. It is breathtaking. In the piece, the older gentleman implores us to open our eyes to each day, “…It is not just another day; it is a day that was given to you. It’s a gift, a gift that was given to you right now.”  And so it is with your children. Each day you have with your child is a gift. You have just one life with each, so don’t let it get away. Pay attention and be mindful. You don’t have to resolve to do it; just do it. It’s right there in front of you.

The omnipresence of Christmas trappings fuels what is known as the “December Dilemma.” Many a Jewish parent recalls lusting after Christmas trees as a child, and that memory is enough to push her over the edge, all the way to the Christmas tree lot. Some go so far as to call said tree a Chanukah Bush or a Holiday Tree, claiming it is just part of the winter season.

Truth be told, it isn’t only the Jews who want what isn’t theirs at the holidays. Parents have shared with me stories of their Christian kids wanting to celebrate Chanukah because it lasts 8 nights. I once read an article about non-Jewish kids who were feeling deprived because they were not having Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Their parents’answer?   The Faux Mitzvah! A big party with a d.j. that mimicked the Bar Mitzvah reception, but given for no reason at all. No joke.

(If I were a clergywoman, I would continue here about why Christmas trees and wreaths are a part of Christian observance and why Chanukah and its 8 nights celebrate a victorious freedom fight. But I write from the perspective of a child development and behavior specialist.)

No parent, regardless of religion, wants to be the cause of her child’s disappointment. So, in much the same way that parents have a hard time saying no to their kids about many things (No pierced ears, no ipad, no nights at the mall…), unless there is a strong religious conviction, some Jewish parents just give in and get the tree. It’s better, they conclude, than being on the receiving end of the whining and the – “That’s not fair!” cries.  But what is the lesson? It certainly isn’t to tolerate disappointment.

Children need to learn that you can enjoy something without owning it.  Think about the library. You can borrow books, ten at a time, read them over and over for two whole weeks, and then return them.

The Parenting Center I founded was another example. Magnificently stocked with the most interesting, unique, uncommon toys I could find, it was play heaven.  Not a day would pass that a parent wouldn’t ask where I had purchased the Tree Blocks or another toy that she must have for her child.  I explained, “It’s really okay for your child to use those sand tools just while he’s here at school. He doesn’t need to own them.” (And I wouldn’t share the source, just to drive home the lesson.)

As young children grow, their interest in and experience with the winter holidays changes. They learn that everyone celebrates everything differently—Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza.  It is well within the range of normal development for children to want for their own anything (and everything) that appeals to them. Knowing that lots of Jewish families are experiencing the December Dilemma, I offer the following tips.

·     Keep your own feelings in check. If you feel sad or even guilty, as if you are depriving your child of something, your child will absorb those feelings. You need not feel guilty that Santa isn’t a part of your celebration.

·     Honor your child’s feelings. Take this opportunity to walk your child through her/his feelings of disappointment.  Life is filled with times when we can’t “have it all”.  Understanding that and giving your child the opportunity to reflect those feelings and help him develop coping skills is a gift. It will teach a tolerance for disappointment which is a critical, life-long lesson.

·     Play reindeer games. Help your child to learn that you can love and appreciate something without bringing it into your home. You can go to a Christmas tree lot and play hide and seek, as you smell the fragrant trees. You can get yourselves invited to a friend’s house to trim their tree. You can count the number of wreaths you see on front doors.  You can pile in the car in your pj’s and search for Christmas lights all over the city.

·       Use all eight days. Take pains not to position yourselves as Jews who are “missing out” on something.  Rather, be creative in your celebration of Chanukah, creating all kinds of family experiences, rituals and traditions. You have 8 days to celebrate, and on each of these you can do something different and special (a dreidel night; a baking night; a game night; a making-gifts-for-others night; a party night; and a few gift nights, too.)

 Let me put your mind at ease. You have not been lying to your child if you have allowed Santa Claus to be part of your Christmas celebration.  Santa is a cultural myth; he is part of our folklore.

 Almost all young children’s celebration of Christmas has included Santa Claus at some point. He is part of the magic of the holiday. And it is thrilling for children to believe that there is a guy with a white beard and a red suit, who flies through the sky in sleigh pulled by reindeer that carries enough toys for all the children in the whole world. He lands on your roof, finds the exact present you want, comes into your house via the chimney, leaves the gift, eats the cookies, gulps the milk, and climbs back up that same chimney, now off to the next house.  You’d have to believe in magic to buy that one!  How lucky are young children that they do. Oh to believe in magic and Santa again.

 Your child will ask if Santa is real. It might come when he is 5 or even much older, at 8 or 9. The impossibility of the story might just dawn on him, or his buddy who has an older brother might burst his balloon.

 But when your child comes to you, what do you say?  “Well, what do you believe?” Because he wants the magic, he’ll believe. But then that questioning, growing-up voice will persist. “But what do YOU believe?”

 I am not someone who wants to rain on a child’s parade, and I don’t think you are lying.  I think you are doing what your mother did for you, and what her mother did for her. You are passing down the folklore, keeping up the tradition, and allowing your child to fully enjoy the magic while he can.

 “When I was a little girl, I believed in Santa Claus. Now that I am grown up, I have different ideas about him. Each person gets to decide for himself if he thinks Santa is real. What I can tell you for sure is that the story of Santa is part of celebrating Christmas, just like Frosty and Christmas trees and lights and wreaths.”

 And when your 10 year old is on the verge of spilling the beans, bring him into your inner circle. “When Grandma was a little girl, her mommy told her about Santa, and when I was little, Grandma told me about Santa, and when you were little, I told you about Santa. And now you get to help me keep the story going and let your little brother believe in Santa. One day, he will figure it out, just like you did. But he’s just a little boy, so help me to pass on the story to him.”

But is that enough? Are these yearly drives going to teach our kids the habit of giving and sharing? Will they actually make them care about other people, animals, the environment, the planet…? Who is going to take care of our neighbors and of our planet if we don’t teach our children to do it every day?

Children today associate holiday charity mainly with giving to the homeless, feeding the homeless, clothing the homeless.

During the holidays, we are bombarded with cries for help. Especially for people living in cities, the neediness of the homeless is inescapable. But, very young children are exposed to this harsh reality long before they can understand it. Many kids are frightened of people begging on the streets and it’s understandable. They’re seeing unfamiliar affects, mental states, and physical conditions coupled with foreign odors, all scary to young kids.

In an attempt to bring meaning to the message of charity, parents look for ways to help children understand, Who are the homeless? Well-intentioned parents bring their children to dish out food on Thanksgiving. This direct charity can be unsettling for a child donor though. And, think about the recipient. How does the adult man in need feel about a child giving him a handout? I wonder about his pride and self-respect. Perhaps the lesson to the child should take a back seat to the feelings of the needy.

Of course, homelessness is a very real and very prevalent problem.

Yes, it’s honorable to pass out turkey meals on Thanksgiving day. It’s wonderful to pack baskets of food to distribute to hungry people. But true charity, philanthropy, goes beyond the coins that get dropped in the bell ringer’s bucket at the holidays. True philanthropy involves effort and sacrifice. It is daily attitude and habit that encompasses thinking about, caring about, and sharing with others of all kinds, not just the homeless. And, this real philanthropy must be on our minds beyond Thanksgiving and beyond the homeless

When a play-date gets cancelled because a friend is ill, instead of assuaging your child with an ice cream, what about making a get well card for the friend? When you see your neighbor’s newspaper lying in the driveway, why not ask your child to take it to her front door? When a piece of trash litters your pathway, try picking it up.

Philanthropy can be a family activity. My colleague, Meredith Alexander, has created The Acme Sharing Company, countless ideas of other-oriented activities and projects for families to do together. What about making homemade dog biscuits to bring to the local pound? Not only are you focusing caring for homeless pups, but you are doing it together. What about the family spending an afternoon picking up trash off the beach? Who can find the most trash and save it from going into our precious ocean? Now there’s a strong message!

Experience has taught us that philanthropy is contagious. Children who grow up in families who volunteer, who invest their time, energy, and resources in causes dear to them will do the same as adults. The very definition of being a grown-up will include looking beyond one’s own needs. It is caring about the world beyond you in an active way. When I was growing up my mom was the president of my school’s PTA equivalent. Sure enough, I did the same when my own children were in elementary school. Time consuming? Energy? Effort? It’s just what you do.

When philanthropy is built into your life and by extension into your child’s it will become a habit of giving. Why wait for Thanksgiving? It’s for every day.