Tips for Managing Camp Separations

1.  Get your own emotions under control. Children are absorbent. If you are doubting your child’s (and your) decision to go, if you are feeling weepy at the thought of being apart for so long, if you are worried about his well-being, don’t let him know and don’t let it show!  Saying things like, “I am going to miss you so much” should be replaced with comments that reflect your confidence in him and in the great experience he is going to have. “I am so excited for you. You are going to have so many fantastic experiences!”  (And remember, when the time comes, no mommy tears at the bus! Just encouraging, happy waves, please!)
2.   Acknowledge his feelings. If you child expresses nervousness or trepidation about going, let him know how normal those feelings are. Saying “I can imagine that you are feeling uneasy. Most kids do feel nervous about their first time at sleep away camp” lets him know that he is no different from anyone else.
3.  Do not discount his feelings.  Comments such as, “Aw c’mon, you shouldn’t be worried” give the child the message that he shouldn’t trust his own feelings. Rather, assure him that after the first day or two, when he knows the ropes—his counselor, the program, has friends—then he will feel better. It takes time to feel comfortable. Remind him of other “firsts” he has mastered in his life (school, first sleep over,  new activites, etc…) Soon you’ll add sleep-away camp to that list. 
4.  Discuss a plan for dealing with feelings. Knowing what he can do “just in case” he feels unhappy or homesick, is comforting. Talking to a friend, writing a note home, and especially talking to his counselor are good ideas. Explain that the counselors and camp administration know very well that sometimes kids feel this way, so they know how to help them feel better.
 5.  Do write letters. (Who does that anymore? YOU should!)  It is absolutely thrilling to get a letter from home when a child is away. And start writing those short, unemotional letters a few days before the child leaves so that he’ll have one at the very first Mail Call. Try not to pepper your letters with cries of We miss you! and beware of descriptions of all the fun things you and his sister are doing at home.  Make your life sound dull and ordinary, in turn making him feel that he is not missing anything on the home front!
 6.  Do not offer a phone call.  Talking to you on the phone if he is homesick, will not help. In fact, it will only make things worse. Hearing your voice reminds him of what he is missing and communicates that he needs you to feel better. (You can, however, speak to the camp director to be assured the camp food really isn’t poisoning him.)
 7.  Coming home is not an option.  Doing so gives a strong message of failure no matter how it is couched. Only severe illness warrants throwing in the towel.  Even if your child hates camp—hates his friends, the counselors, the food, the works—he needs to finish his session. He’s sticking it out.  And upon his return, as you passively listen to his descriptions of the many horrors that befell him, you can say, “At least you gave it a try and stuck it out. You must be pretty proud of yourself.”  And slowly the stories of all the fun stuff will begin to surface, crowding out the memories of the bad.

   Don’t be surprised when the December camp reunion notice arrives and your sleep-away-camp-hating-child is all ready to go!  For some kids, sleep-away camp homesickness is like child birth: He just doesn’t remember the pain.

The good news is that there are no rules about when and if a child should go to sleep-away camp. It is only common sense that reigns.   In fact, often it is the parent who has more trouble allowing her child to go than the child not wanting or being ready to go.  The Tiger Mom forbade sleepovers. Can you imagine what she thinks of sleep-away camp!

The parents’ childhood experiences with sleep-away camp play a big part in the attitudes they communicate to their children. Those who have fond memories of 8 weeks by the lake, making lanyards, sneaking in and out of tents, and Color Wars are likely to have regaled their children with stories of great times at camp.  Many formed lasting friendships that endure to this day.  The guest list at my own son’s wedding was seasoned with his wife’s “camp friends” with whom she is still tight. 

People from the east coast often have a different experience with sleep-away camp than west coasters, as it is common practice to go for the whole summer, starting as young as seven, even six years old. Not viewed as a “have to,” but rather a “get to,” these children go off with their siblings and cousins, neighbors and pals from school. It’s common practice.

I can say with great certainty that there is much to be gained, in addition to the enduring friendships and myriad experiences that are indigenous to the sleep-away camp environment.  Away from the home environment, children grow up. They become independent and responsible in ways you didn’t think possible. True, their teeth may not get brushed, flossed, and fluoride rinsed just how you like it (if at all!), but they do manage. They learn self reliance, they become problem solvers, and they get along with tent mates because they have to.

Here are some of the questions you can ask yourself in deciding if your child is ready to try out sleep-away camp:

• Does he sleep at friends’ houses?
• Does he visit relatives for a few days without you?
• When at a friend’s house or even at home does he need to check in with you often?
• Is he able to take care of his own possessions, jackets finding their way home from school?
• Is he able to meet his responsibilities?
• Does he enjoy being independent?
• Does he want to go to sleep-away camp?

Most experts agree that somewhere around nine or ten years old is a good time to give sleep-away camp a try.  Finding a camp that offers a shortened program, two weeks for the first time may be a good idea, as it puts both the parent and the child at ease.  And often going with a pal takes the sting out of that first camp separation.  The next year, not only will he have friends he’s eager to see, but he’ll know the ropes and be an old pro.  The only problem will be hiding your own tears as the bus pulls away.

Whether it’s leaving your infant with a baby sitter, watching your four year old go off on a playdate (without you), helping your six year old to pack for a sleepover…whether it’s going off to nursery school, starting kindergarten, or going off to college, over and over again, life is full of separations.

At first the focus is on the child. Will he be okay? Will he be too homesick to have fun at camp? Will the teacher kiss his boo boo at preschool? With whom will he have lunch on the school playground?  Will he even think to wash his sheets in the dorm?  Then the dust settles, all is well, and a new reality emerges.  My child is fine; he can take care of himself. I’m a mess. Look who is having trouble with separation!

Going to sleep away camp or to a friend’s house for the night are such valuable separations. Not only does your child learn how to take care of his own physical and emotional needs, becoming self reliant and independent, but you get to practice letting go.  All of the little separations in your child’s life pave the way for the big separation. There will come a time when your little guy, now big, kisses you goodbye, and that kiss has to last all the way until his next visit home.

Jessie came home last month to pack up her wedding gifts and drive them to her new home in San Francisco. “Mom, where is my birth certificate? I need it for work.” she asked as she and Michael were about to leave. Of course I had it. It was in the important papers file, its permanent, safe home. “Are you sure you should take it, Jess? It’s the only copy. Shouldn’t we keep it?”  Can you hear the eye roll I got?

Jessie hasn’t really lived at home, not full time, since she went off to college fourteen years ago. She has come and gone,  vacationed on Greentree Road, but this is still the place called “home.”  But it wasn’t until I handed Jessie her very own birth certificate, that it really hit me. We’ve  separated.

On the next trip,  she promised she would unload the attic and take the rest of her memorabilia to her home.  I waited to cry until the UHaul was at the end of the block.