There really isn’t more I need to write here. You who are taking the time to read this blog know exactly how I feel and what I am going to say.

When I was writing the Introduction to my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I seriously considered having only a single sentence on the page: Be the person you want your child to be. We all want our children to be honest, respectful, self reliant, and manifest all the myriad character traits that put them in the position to have options and lead a satisfying life. Can’t you hear the woman from temple lecturing her children about paying attention and showing respect and all the rest!

Being a parent is a job; it isn’t a birthright. It comes loaded with responsibilities (and yields tremendous pleasure.) You might as well have signed the contract right after the doctor handed you that tiny newborn: I accept the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

After Love your child, number two on that list is Be your child’s teacher. Seems obvious, I know. But there are those who just don’t get it. There is the mom who insists on respectful talk and yells at the parking attendant… in front of her child. There is the perfectly healthy dad who preaches honesty and tells his colleague that he can’t make the appointment because he isn’t feeling well…in front of his child. You know the mom who demands that her child not use the word “stupid,” the one who screams out “Stupid driver!” to the car in front of her. And we all know the dad who insists on his child’s full attention who himself can’t resist looking at his BlackBerry at the dinner table, during story time, or when he’s just walked into the house.

Children are the first to spot character and value hypocrisy. In fact, their learning is cemented by noticing consistency in the world. Oh Daddy, you said the S word! They look to you, their first teacher, for validation of what you have taught. Every day in so many ways you have the chance to model your expectations for your children and bring the lesson home.

Remember this, your children will do what you do, not what you say.

Oh my gosh, how great is this! So often dads who come to see me say that they really do want to spend more time with their kids, then sheepishly admit that it is often hard to find things to do, aside from “kicking the soccer ball around” or playing Leggos. At last here is the resource, an unending supply of ideas for dads (and moms) to do with their kids.  I especially love that it was two dads who came up with this idea. Family is still alive and well; there is hope for our society!

The influence of dads in kids’ lives is profound.  (This is not to underplay the importance of moms. Please, don’t go there.)  Research actually pinpoints the effects of father influence not only on child behavior, but also in who children become, both girls and boys. It is important precisely because it is different from mother influence.  Gender differences necessarily inform the way moms and dads interact with their children.  And each is important and necessary in the lives of children.

I offer a seminar called Big Hat, No Cattle. That expression, one that came to us from the land of the cowboy, refers to the dad who says he is a father, but doesn’t do the job. In this seminar I address the research and present the effects of father involvement on children, pointing to the day-to-day ways in which fathers can effectively be fathers in their children’s lives.  (There is still room in this March 1st seminar. Let me know if you are interested in attending.)

In the meantime, you dads, take some time with your children. Not just today, not just on the weekend. Remember it is the pennies and dimes that are put in the bank everyday that eventually amount to a healthy savings. And so it is with your regular investment in your children’s lives. And if you don’t know what to do, visit the website and learn some new car games.

Whether or not my gym rat buddies felt Serena’s tongue fault was forgiveable  (It was, they thought–it was her first outburst; it was a lousy call; it was a genuine mistake), whether Joe Wilson had the right to call President Obama a liar (He did not, they agreed), or whether Kanye West’s bullyish interruption would be okay ever, under any circumstance (Never!)…everyone agreed that all three were blatant examples of  grown ups’ bad behavior.

Something is terribly wrong.  Here is a case of three adults who have not cultivated necessary impulse control. They were rude, disrespectful, and did not use plain old fashioned manners. Protocol and propriety are real, but they followed neither. And while I am sure there are daily examples of the same affliction in adults everywhere,  they are not in our faces. The culprits are not public figures. These are  people whom our children watch, models of how to be in the world.

Children learn the rules of the road and what is acceptable behavior, first of all from their parents. You are the first teachers of social intelligence. You are the voice they internalize that says, “Better not say that. It’s rude. It’s disrespectful. ”

It’s not enough to shake your head in disgust. Here is your chance,  three of them actually.  They are perfect examples of what is not okay, clear examples of disrespect,  obvious examples of crossing the line. And it wasn’t even your child who did it!   Here is fodder for dinner table conversation to be sure.  You have a perfect chance to grow your children’s social intelligence. Have that discussion about what happened, about what you think. Create the spin your children need to hear. It will make a difference, and it will help your child to process the things that other people do, good and bad.

How interesting it was to witness Kanye’s moment of reflection. We saw it when Jay Leno asked him what his mother would have said about his bad behavior.  He was dead silent. You see, it was his mother’s voice that seemed to speak to him . (Ok, maybe it was a show!).  But you get my point.  Be that voice that speaks to your child, “Don’t be disrespectful to the line judge!”  Don’t insult the President!”  “Don’t butt in to someone else’s show!”  It is the voice that your child will carry with him forever, whether he becomes a public figure or not.