“Coach Accused of Punching Son”  The headline in the LA Times caught my eye.  A youth baseball coach is facing a simple assault charge for punching his 9 year old son in the face after the boy was ejected from a game.  Are they kidding? I read it again.  [Coach’s name] of suburban Harrisburg was charged after he allegedly struck his son twice with a closed fist…  I read it one more time to make sure I was reading it correctly. Yep, that’s what it said alright.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

 It’s hard not to love the movie Babies. That’s what I chose to do for my Mothers’ Day observance.  It was kind of like eating chocolate… all good! There were none of the not-so-fun parts of babies, like colic and diarrhea and sleepless nights. Just one oooo and ahhhhh after another.

 But the cute is not what stuck with me. Several days later, I am thinking about the stark contrast in the way the Japanese and the American babies were parented compared to the African and Mongolian babies.  The African baby was gnawing on a fat stick he plucked out of the dirt. Splinters, dirt, ants, fungus…yuck! Obviously teething, he chewed away. Flash to the sanitized environment of the American baby in his Parent and Me class, daddy swaying to the song about Mother Earth, as they sat on their acrylic carpet squares.

 Then there was the Mongolian baby who appeared to have more animals than adults in his life. Like self rising flour, he seemed to be raising himself amidst the raw life on the plain.  He crawls through the obstacle course provided by the legs of  a herd of calves, and the audience waits for him to be trampled.  Contrast that scene to the Japanese baby who is under the constant eye of her mommy or daddy or Gymboree teacher, getting her prescribed movement experience.

 In the past weeks as I have launched my new book, I have been speaking to parents all over the country. Among the many points I aim to make, is the need for parents to let go of their death grip.  How can young children ever cultivate independence and self reliance if parents are holding on so tightly? Children need to struggle and fall in order to learn how to pick themselves up and survive.  Dr. Spock said, “A child who has not been well bandaged has not been well parented.”

 I am not suggesting that you place your children’s dinner of mush down on the floor and let them all go for it in a giant feeding frenzy, including smushing the white goo on the youngest sibling’s head. Nor am I condoning a child sharing his bath water with the family goat. I am abundantly grateful for all that we, in our disease free, safety precaution filled America, are able to offer our children. But Babies sure made me think twice about the good parts of what children learn when they are sometimes left alone.

While I cannot take credit for inventing the expression, “lousy local conditions,” I use it all the time. It’s just so right-on-the-button.

Lousy Local Conditions refers to those times when a child’s less than perfect behaviors are magnified or even created by the conditions of his environment. Children who went to sleep late or work up too early, who have missed a nap or a meal, who have been dragged on too many errands, who have attended one birthday party too many, will reflect those lousy local conditions in their behavior, or shall we say, misbehavior. Your two year old, for example, isn’t so good at “Don’t touch!” when you visit your grandmother and her precious china tea set that sits on the coffee table. The environment sabotages his ability to behave. Your three-year-old will not be too willing to clean up the play room after a wild, napless afternoon with three playmates too many. Your five-year-old isn’t likley to “ask nicely” or speak respectfully after staying up until midnight watching the ball game.

Sometimes a child has tantrums, lots of them, because that’s the stage he’s in. He’s learning to assert himself and is intoxicated by his own power. When he is frustrated in his quest, look out for a tantrum. But when your child has an uncharacteristic tantrum or melt down, when he is unusually uncooperative, or he’s just plain icky, it is often the result of lousy local conditions.

Anticipating your child’s thresholds and breaking points will go a long way in avoiding tantrums and mishbehaviors. Different children have different levels of tolerance for hunger and fatigue, for crowds and new situations, for stimulation of all kinds. Different children react to different lousy local conditions. (By the way, some grown ups do too!)

Craft your reasonable expectations for your child around his age, development, and particular temperament. Then keep in mind the environment that could morph into lousy local conditions, and you will head down the pathway towards taming the tantrums, melt downs, and icky behaviors.

I often hear from parents how difficult their mornings are. Getting the kids up, dressed, fed, brushed, (loved!), and out the door to school can really be challenging. It’s especially tricky when you, too, are trying to pull yourself together, get ready for your day, whether you work in or out of the house.

This is especially true after a vacation or even after a weekend. Most families happily and easily fall into a pattern of hanging out in the morning, chilling at home in p.j’s., taking all the time in the world on non school days. Then the school bell rings: Get a move on right now!

Here’s the truth of the matter, the more you rush your kids, the slower they will be. As soon as you shriek, Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! We’re going to be late! little spikes grow out of the bottoms of their feet. They go into slow motion. The machine all but stops. What’s a parent to do?

The answer really isn’t so hard. It may take a little getting used to and a lot of parental stick-to-it-iveness, but it works. And it is definitely worth making the change. It simply requires changing the order of the morning.

All mornings need to begin with a little loving. Whether your kids come into your bed or you visit theirs, children and parents need to reconnect in a loving way first thing in the morning. I call this shnuggy time. After all, it was a drought all night long, and kids need to fill up their parent tanks as they start their day.

The next order of business is getting dressed. That’s right, kids need to get completely dressed, head to toe, including shoes and socks, first thing after they are up and before breakfast or anything else. Often it’s a good idea to lay out the clothing the night before. Try putting out the whole get-up, socks to hat, in the shape of a body on the floor. And if you are concerned that the freshly laundered shirt will soon be covered with breakfast syrup and smoothie, keep one of Dad’s old tee shirts around to throw on over the school clothes to catch the spills.

Breakfast only happens when the kids are completely dressed. After breakfast, teeth get brushed. If you must, have a tooth brushing set up in a downstairs bathroom. Facilitate it happening easily.

And after your kids are dressed, fed, brushed, backpack-ready, and only then, they just might have time for a game of Go Fish with you, time to work on the Leggo Rocket Ship, time for the computer, or whatever is the carrot at the end of the process. If you do all your morning jobs in a timely manner, then you will have time for…

There’s one more trick to your morning routine, and you’re going to hate this one! When parents are rushing, kids get nuts. If you are not available, your children suddenly become broken and need you. If you are available, somehow they manage to take care of business. Go figure! You need to take care of yourself so you will be available to your children, and that might mean getting up 15 minutes earlier than they. I know, I know, I hear you groaning. But it is worth it. Starting the day on a pleasant note makes everyone’s days just that much better.

Happy new year!