The phone is the enemy of the child. Let me restate that: The phone is the enemy of the child when you are on it.  When it is a toy being used for distraction, when the child is talking on the phone to anyone (make believe or not),  when it is something to be explored, then it is an object of tremendous desire and interest. And today’s smartphones have even more appeal…the all-in-one babysitter. But when it renders you unavailable, then it is phonus interruptus.

Telephone interruptions, I must add, are not limited to young children. Children of all ages are licensed to interrupt a parent when she’s on the phone. So are spouses…of all ages. Instead of teaching them to delay gratification, we hand them a license to interrupt.

In much the same way we teach children that saying Excuse me is the magic ticket that yields entry into a parent’s conversation and brings immediate attention, so do we teach him to interrupt telephone conversations by saying Excuse me.  That’s pretty powerful stuff.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be interrupted when I am on the phone.  Not only is it disrespectful of me, but it is disrespectful of the person on the other end.  It clearly says that someone is more important than you. 

But life is busy, and moms, in particular, are usually the pivot around which home life happens. When my children were growing up at home, I tried not to be on the phone at the times when I knew I would be needed or likely interrupted. Mom, where is my jacket? Quick, the bus is here! Or  Mom, I can’t do my homework. I need your help now!   Or  Honey, where is the checkbook?  (When was he struck blind?)  It’s a pretty sure bet that you will be interrupted while on the phone if you choose to use it during those home high activity times.  It is for this reason, first of all, that I suggest you save your phone conversations for low activity and low need times. And when you arrive home from work or when  the carpool pulls up, shut off your phone before you enter your house and turn on your answering machine. Make it a rule.  Your calls will wait; your children won’t. Why invite problems?

Nonetheless, children (and spouses) need to learn that phone interruptions are not legal, even if they are preceded by Excuse me. If the house is on fire, if the bathtub is overflowing, then by all means, interrupt away. No Excuse me  is even necessary.

 Take the time to follow through and teach the lesson.

1. Tell your young child the plan and what you expect. “I am going to have a very short phone conversation. I don’t want to be interrupted, but I will be right off. Show me what you are going to do while I am on the phone.”
2. Follow through with a logical consequence for being interrupted. “Since you have interrupted me, I am going to finish this call in my room (door closed).” Try again soon, reminding the child what happened last time, and give her a chance to be successful.
3. For your older child, do not respond to the interruption. Ignore it and finish your conversation. When you are done, revisit what just happened. “When I am on the phone I do not want to be interrupted. That was why I ignored you.”   Make sure you pay him the same respect.

I have a girlfriend whose husband interrupts many of our conversations. It makes me nuts! I wonder if he’ll get the idea when she goes into the bedroom and closes the door. Or maybe she should try telling him he has an acute case of phonus interruptus.

 “Please don’t interrupt me,” she calmly reminded her son and rewound the tape to complete her thought with me.  

 “Excuse me. Excuse me, Mom? Mom? Excuse me.”  he demanded.

“Wait a minute, Steven. I am talking to Betsy,” Mom admonished.

“But Mom,  I said ‘excuse me’”

Offering me an apologetic shrug , Mom paused our conversation to answer her son. “What, Steven?”  Emphasizing the word what, there was a bite in her response.

Ah yes, manners.  Right after parents teach their two year olds to say please and thank you comes the excuse me lesson.  It’s as if they are following a set of directions that came dangling from the baby’s big toe.  You say ‘excuse me’ when you burp or toot (pass gas). You say ‘excuse me’ when you accidentally bump into someone. And if I am talking to someone else and you want to talk to me, you say ‘excuse me.’

Sound the gong! This lesson is faulty.  When did interrupting become okay?  If there is a tarantula crawling up my back, then by all means, interrupt me. And you don’t even need to say excuse me. But otherwise, it’s not okay to interrupt someone when she is talking. Emergency, yes; impatience, no.   Kids need to learn this reality. (And some spouses do, too!)

We parents sabotage this lesson by teaching our kids that excuse me gains them entry into the conversation. We also blow it by not expecting them to wait—a  little waiting at a time which grows their tolerance and their ability to delay gratification.

Yes, we are talking about children, young children. And how hard it is for them to wait when they have something they’ve just got to say right now!  But learning to wait and not interrupt is a lesson maybe even more important than learning to say excuse me. It is one thing to expect your child to wait five minutes while you talk. That’s a long time for a young child. It’s another to teach him that when you will finish your greeting, your thought, your sentence, and only then, it be his turn.

Here are some tips for squelching the interrupting habit:

• Limit the length of your adult conversations that don’t include the child. You will limit his frustration and grow his ability to wait…and not interrupt.
• When the child doesn’t interrupt you, praise his restraint.
• If your child is challenged by impulse control (and whose isn’t?), let him know you are going to have a quick conversation and you do not want to be interrupted. Then make it quick!
• Explain to your child, four and older, that it is only for an emergency that cannot wait that he may interrupt. (A pee pee that can’t wait counts!)
• Create a signal for your child to give you that means he is waiting to talk. The signal takes the place of saying excuse me. (A client shared with me that at her son’s school, the child is taught to gently put his hand on the teacher’s arm to say he needs her, and the teacher puts her hand back on his to signal that she knows he is waiting. Good idea!)
• Do not let excuse me work as a means for interrupting.  After you have cautioned not to interrupt you, don’t be interrupted! Seems obvious, doesn’t it? 
• Be mindful of not interrupting your child and use the same signal that he uses for you if you must.
• Remind all family members about interrupting.  It isn’t okay for Daddy to interrupt the child to get to you either. Children absorb the lesson wherever it is being taught.

There really isn’t more I need to write here. You who are taking the time to read this blog know exactly how I feel and what I am going to say.

When I was writing the Introduction to my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, I seriously considered having only a single sentence on the page: Be the person you want your child to be. We all want our children to be honest, respectful, self reliant, and manifest all the myriad character traits that put them in the position to have options and lead a satisfying life. Can’t you hear the woman from temple lecturing her children about paying attention and showing respect and all the rest!

Being a parent is a job; it isn’t a birthright. It comes loaded with responsibilities (and yields tremendous pleasure.) You might as well have signed the contract right after the doctor handed you that tiny newborn: I accept the responsibilities that come with being a parent.

After Love your child, number two on that list is Be your child’s teacher. Seems obvious, I know. But there are those who just don’t get it. There is the mom who insists on respectful talk and yells at the parking attendant… in front of her child. There is the perfectly healthy dad who preaches honesty and tells his colleague that he can’t make the appointment because he isn’t feeling well…in front of his child. You know the mom who demands that her child not use the word “stupid,” the one who screams out “Stupid driver!” to the car in front of her. And we all know the dad who insists on his child’s full attention who himself can’t resist looking at his BlackBerry at the dinner table, during story time, or when he’s just walked into the house.

Children are the first to spot character and value hypocrisy. In fact, their learning is cemented by noticing consistency in the world. Oh Daddy, you said the S word! They look to you, their first teacher, for validation of what you have taught. Every day in so many ways you have the chance to model your expectations for your children and bring the lesson home.

Remember this, your children will do what you do, not what you say.

What could a 9 year old possibly do to cause an adult to punch his son—or anyone—with a closed fist—with a pinky finger? I just can’t make sense of this one.  Did he play poorly? Did he not try hard? Was he goofing around?  Did he not do as his father, the coach, asked? Was he being a smart alec? Did he stick his tongue out? What? Even if he yelled an unmentionable at the top of his lungs, I still can’t fathom a man  hitting a child, any child.

 There are so many directions one could go in reacting to this heinous behavior. I could address parents who are overly invested in their child’s performance at school, on the ice rink, on the ball field. I could discuss the parent who makes it his child’s job it is to meet his dream of achievement.  I could even go on and on about anger management.

 While I don’t know what really happened on the field that day, I do know one thing for sure: Lots of children  must have witnessed that scene, and for sure his own son did.  I can promise you, that boy got more than black eye from his father.

Parents are children’s primary teachers. Children learn more from watching their parents than by anything that that is said to them, even if it is accompanied by a wagging index finger and eyebrows knitted together.  “Do as I say, not as I do” is an expression of the past, and it just doesn’t work.  Parents model, day in and day out, how to be in the world. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but what you do is what your children will learn.  Not only will your behavior communicate your expectations for behavior, but it is also how your child develops his own system of values.

 Children spot hypocrisy more quickly than you can imagine. Yelling at your child not to yell at you because it is disrespectful is a message and a lesson. Jay walking because you are in terrible hurry erases your warnings of never to jay walk.  Speaking rudely to a waitress, to your own mother, to your own spouse negates your preaching the importance of treating people kindly and with respect.  It is your actions that model the lessons you want your children to learn.

 I wonder what lesson’s Mel Gibson’s 8 children learned from him last week.

 Kids get angry at their parents for all kinds of reasons. Mainly they get angry when they are in some way thwarted—when they don’t get what they want. But it also happens when they have to do something they don’t want  to do, when they are disappointed, when they are in the midst of lousy local conditions, and when they are just plain crabby.  And the expression of that anger can look pretty nasty.

 But do you really think your child hates you? Do you think he means it when he says he wishes he had a different father and that he wants to live at Jeremy’s house where he can use the computer whenever he wants?  Well, truth be told, maybe he does, just for that split second. Anger will do that to a person, stir up some fighting words, some hurtful sentiments. But he doesn’t really mean it.

 A child’s anger is not about you. It feels that way when a jet stream of vitriol intended just for you fills the hallway airspace. But it isn’t. So don’t take it personally.  Absorbing your child’s anger and making it about you, will only exacerbate the issue. “Don’t you dare talk to me that way, young man.”  Young child needs to be able to express himself and all his big feelings. Yes, he does need to learn about respect. Yes, he does need to know that words can hurt as much as fists. And he will learn both in time … but not in the heat of that moment.

 Later, when the feeling has long since passed is when you do your revisit.  “You were really angry when I wouldn’t let you use the computer. You said some really powerful stuff. I love you even when you are angry and say you hate me. And when I ask you to turn off the computer, I expect you to turn it off.” State it clearly and without feeling. Children need to know that their parents will not crumble when they use their angry words.  You know they reserve they most powerful stuff for you, the person whose love they trust the most.  Remember, it isn’t about you. When you turn it into a finger wagging lecture about respecting you, the lesson about turning off the computer is lost. Further, he will have one more reason to “hate” you. If his words don’t work and don’t have power, they will not be useful to him.

 And you thought raising children would be easy!

 To your kids, the back seat of a car is home sweet home. Just like they misbehave more, when they are at home, so do they squabble more  in the car. ..when you are there!  I am quite sure that your fellow carpool driver never complains that your child bickers with the other kids when she drives. Siblings fight in the car because it is just like home. In the familiar setting, the one in which the child is the most comfortable, in which he is sure of your love, he will practice his worst behavior. Your car is no different.

 And in the car you, dear parent, are a captive audience. What your child wants most of all is your attention…negative or positive. Truth be told, he is sure to get your attention when he bugs his brother.  Add to that the close quarters of the car and you have a perfect battlefield – all the ingredients for backseat bickering.

 Here are a few tips for lessening the backseat bickering:

•  Don’t be an audience. When at all possible, ignore your children’s car fights. Even one comment, one threat, one sigh, or one eye roll count as your attention.  Ignore! Ignore!  Ignore!
• Ignore the fighting, not the children. When in the car pay animated and interested attention to the children when they are not fighting. They’ll get the message.
• The issue is the noise, not the fight.  Be clear about it: “In order for me to drive safely, you need to use quieter voices in the car. I need to be able to concentrate on my driving.”  
• Accept no tattling.  Do not receive any complaints about who did what to whom or who did it first. No blaming. Pay attention only to the elevated noise that undermines you being a safe driver. “Your fighting is not my business. Your loud voices, however, are a distraction. I cannot drive safely when you are so noisy. It needs to stop now.”
• Be consistent in your reactions. You need to react in the same way every time it happens,  if you expect your children to learn you mean business. You can’t tolerate the bickering noise one day and blow your top the next.
• If the noise of the bickering is driving you nuts:  Pull over to the side of the road. Get out of the car and open the back door. Without anger but with utter seriousness say to your children, “I cannot drive safely when you are making so much noise. It needs to stop now.” Hopefully, they will be shocked enough to stop.
• If the bickering persists:  Pull over one more time. Get out of the car, once more open the back door and say, “I will not drive this car until the noisy fighting stops.”  Then step away from the car, still within full view of the kids, and busy yourself. Clean out your wallet, work on your Blackberry, read old grocery receipts… but ignore the kids. Give it a few minutes, and when things have settled down, get back in and continue on your way. No comments. They will get your message loud and clear.
• If your car has a third row, you have the option of moving a child’s seat.  When two children are unable to sit peacefully next to one another, they lose the privilege of doing so. Move one booster or car seat to the back, or assign one child a new seat. Ignore the complaints.
• Tell them, “Sit on your hands.” This is a crazy cure, but it is distracting enough that it works.  Before all heck breaks loose, as you sense things deteriorating, tell you children to “Sit on your hands.”  It’s so silly and takes so much effort that it stops the fighting action.

Whether or not my gym rat buddies felt Serena’s tongue fault was forgiveable  (It was, they thought–it was her first outburst; it was a lousy call; it was a genuine mistake), whether Joe Wilson had the right to call President Obama a liar (He did not, they agreed), or whether Kanye West’s bullyish interruption would be okay ever, under any circumstance (Never!)…everyone agreed that all three were blatant examples of  grown ups’ bad behavior.

Something is terribly wrong.  Here is a case of three adults who have not cultivated necessary impulse control. They were rude, disrespectful, and did not use plain old fashioned manners. Protocol and propriety are real, but they followed neither. And while I am sure there are daily examples of the same affliction in adults everywhere,  they are not in our faces. The culprits are not public figures. These are  people whom our children watch, models of how to be in the world.

Children learn the rules of the road and what is acceptable behavior, first of all from their parents. You are the first teachers of social intelligence. You are the voice they internalize that says, “Better not say that. It’s rude. It’s disrespectful. ”

It’s not enough to shake your head in disgust. Here is your chance,  three of them actually.  They are perfect examples of what is not okay, clear examples of disrespect,  obvious examples of crossing the line. And it wasn’t even your child who did it!   Here is fodder for dinner table conversation to be sure.  You have a perfect chance to grow your children’s social intelligence. Have that discussion about what happened, about what you think. Create the spin your children need to hear. It will make a difference, and it will help your child to process the things that other people do, good and bad.

How interesting it was to witness Kanye’s moment of reflection. We saw it when Jay Leno asked him what his mother would have said about his bad behavior.  He was dead silent. You see, it was his mother’s voice that seemed to speak to him . (Ok, maybe it was a show!).  But you get my point.  Be that voice that speaks to your child, “Don’t be disrespectful to the line judge!”  Don’t insult the President!”  “Don’t butt in to someone else’s show!”  It is the voice that your child will carry with him forever, whether he becomes a public figure or not.