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Betsy Brown Braun

Child Development and Behavior Specialist. Parent Educator. Best Selling Author

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You Are Who You Are When No One is Looking

by Betsy Brown Braun on September 9, 2012, under Behavior, Character traits, Child development, Communication, Environmental influences, Expectations, Holidays, Learning, Parent modeling, Parenting, Toddlers

The mother unwrapped the straw, poked it into the little box, and handed the drink to her toddler as they walked out of the grocery store. The sliver of straw paper slipped from the mother’s hand. I doubt that she even noticed it.

Rolling my grocery cart back to its stable, I looked around to see how many carts were randomly parked, willy-nilly throughout the lot, nowhere near the stable. Who leaves her cart to roll into the next parked car?

Since my greatest interest and life’s work centers on parents and kids, the world is my lab. I notice random acts, relationships, and interactions wherever I go. Observing, noticing, gathering data, storing information, wondering. That’s me.  Today at the grocery store I couldn’t help but think about where and how children learn to do the right thing, to make the right choices.  Of course, “right” means different things to different people, but I’m thinking of generally accepted right.  The answer is kind of complicated, but not really.

To do the right thing, children have to do the wrong thing. Sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Much of growing up is trial and error, testing limits and boundaries. Do it wrong, experience the consequence, then do it right the next time.  At least you hope it works that way. That’s certainly one of the ways kids figure out what is the right thing to do.

However, even without actively teaching your children, they learn from you because they copy you.  Think about the things that you automatically do because that’s the way you’ve always done it.  There is the great old tale of the mother who is preparing her Thanksgiving turkey with her adult daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do you always cut off the end of turkey before you put it in the roaster?” The mother who has no answer, knowing only that she cut it because her mother had always done so, calls her own mother.  “Mom,” she asks, “Why do we always cut off the end of the turkey before putting it in the roaster?”  The grandmother replies, “So it will fit in my roaster.”

Over and over I remind parents that your kids are watching you all the time. It’s about how you live your life every day.  If you ALWAYS hang up the clothes you tried on before you leave the store dressing room, the habit will become your child’s too.  If you ALWAYS put you trash in the wastebasket, your child will do the same. If grocery shopping ALWAYS ends by returning your cart to the stable, not doing so won’t be a choice. Behaviors, right and wrong, become automatic when they are habitual.  And so it will be for your absorbent child. Doing the right thing has a good chance of becoming ingrained in him, whether or not you are there watching.

Next week starts the Jewish High Holidays, the time of reflection: What has been in the year that has passed, and what will be going forward?  Whether you observe the Jewish holidays or not, the fall is a good time for everyone to reboot. Are you a person who does the right thing when no one is looking? If your answer is yes, then it’s likely you’re teaching your child to do the same.

: Building character, Character traits, Children observing, Doing the right thing, Jewish High Holidays, Parent modeling
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Betsy is our modern-day version of the ‘village elder’ from whom we all seek counsel. Her suggestions have enabled me to respond to my children’s questions and curiosity in a way that respects their intelligence without confusing them. - Paulina Ladreyt, mother of twin boys, Santa Monica, CA
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Betsy is always able to come up with simple and unique approaches to common parenting problems as well as more complex issues. What she says makes good sense and always works... - Joanna VanTrees Cowitt, mother of a boy and a girl, Los Angeles, CA
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We’ve been overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive response in our community from the PA Forum Betsy held for our Middle and High School parents. We are all discussing our implementation of her practical, meaningful advice - from how to respond to our teen's and tween’s meltdowns to how to deal with their messy rooms. Additionally she helped frame parenting (and over-parenting) during this challenging time as well as normalize our parental anxieties.Thank you Betsy! - Leigh Morales, MS PA Forum Chair, The Greenhill School, Dallas TX
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I have participated in Betsy’s groups and private consultations over the past decade-plus. I find her guidance to be experience and research-based. And I respond to her no-bullshit directness. Her support helps me feel like I am working to be the best mom I can be; knowledgeable, present, and open. Being in the groups has given me so much confidence as a parent, plus camaraderie and lifelong friends with my fellow mom members. Betsy is the rock, sounding board, expert, and friend everyone needs while navigating the parenting journey. -Meredith Alexander, mother of two boys
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Betsy is quite simply pure magic. Through the ups and downs of parenting, she is a constant source of tremendous guidance, , wisdom, and comfort. Having Betsy as a trusted resource, as I navigate life with two boys, is truly a blessing.

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Betsy is quite simply pure magic. Through the ups and downs of parenting, she is a constant source of tremendous guidance, , wisdom, and comfort. Having Betsy as a trusted resource, as I navigate life with two boys, is truly a blessing. -Rebecca Jonah, mother of two boys
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Child development & behavior specialist, best selling author of award winning Just Tell Me What to Say (2008) & You're Not the Boss of Me. (2010)

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