Talking to Children About the Flood ( and Deaths) in Texas

Even though I am based in Pacific Palisades, California, I have many clients in Texas; I have clients who have Texas connections; I have clients whose children go to camp in Texas.  My phone has been ringing non-stop; my email is overloaded. How do I talk to my child about the flood in Texas?

Whether your child is a Texas camper or knows someone who is, the news is spreading fast.  As far away as Texas is, bad news can hit close to home. No person, no child, no parent can imagine losing a family member or friend.

Parents are rightfully concerned that their child will accidentally hear or overhear about the disaster somewhere—on the block, from a friend who has an older sibling, on the play yard, from a counselor or coach. They are concerned that when school resumes, at group time someone else might share the news of the flood and loss of life at a Texas summer camp. When peers find out a friend went to camp in Texas, they might ask if they were in the flood. Just the word Texas becomes a trigger.

When bad news first happens, the media is flooded with stories and visuals. Kids may accidentally see or hear the news. While the horror of the reality does not quickly dissipate, its presence on the news does. In addition, right now the news is front of mind for many.  But 6 weeks from now, when school begins, it will likely have receded.  Except for those who were tragically, directly affected, it is no longer the news of the day. Parents’ worry about exposure to the tragedy is less immediate. Should I even tell my child about the flood?

There are two separate and terrible parts to this tragedy. 1) The natural disaster that was the unprecedented flood.  2) The resulting deaths.

There are tips for addressing them both that are always applicable.

Tips for Addressing the Flood…or not

• Protect your young from the media.  Young children should not be intentionally exposed to the news, period. Keep your children safe.  Don’t listen to news radio during morning carpool. Don’t read the news at the breakfast table. Turn off the little television in the kitchen that is background to your meal preparation. Visuals are very powerful, and they stick. Be mindful of your adult conversations.  The walls have ears. While you think your child isn’t watching and listening, she is absorbing it, and she certainly is observing your reaction.
• Don’t whisper! There are many times when we don’t want our children to hear what we are saying.  The moment you whisper about the catastrophic event, your child’s ears perk right up. Now she is listening, and now she knows that there is something going on that she isn’t supposed to know about.
• Explain the flood.  Many children think of a flood as a toilet that overflows. Explain how the flood in Texas happened (There was unusual, unexpected, torrential rain falling on parched soil. The soil could not absorb all that water and started to pool over the ground.  The Guadalupe River could not hold all the water from the rain and it grew so big that it went over the river bed, onto the land. The water had nowhere to go, so it filled all the areas around, including inside buildings.)
• Don’t avoid questions.  If your child has been exposed to the flood news, hopefully she will come to you with her questions.  Not answering her questions, avoiding the conversation, will be more damaging than the discussion. The lack of discussion will leave your child alone with her fears and anxieties. Children need to know that they can always ask you anything and that you will always answer truthfully.
• It’s okay not to talk about it.  If your child is not affected in any way by the flood, it is well within possible that she has escaped without unwanted exposure. There is no reason to raise the subject with a child who has no knowledge. No need to raise anxiety where it doesn’t exist. However, in the event that your child brings it up down the road, you will respond appropriately.
• You cannot anticipate all possibilities. As much as you would like to take care of “just in case” situations with your child where she might be exposed to news of a disaster later, do not bring it up.
• If your child knows. Regardless of the child’s age, if she knows there has been a flood and asks you about it, of course you respond. But first, find out what she knows. Tell me about that? What did you hear? If you believe  she has heard a sibling talking, you might ask, Did you hear what your sister was talking about? You need to know what the child knows or thinks.
• You know your child.  Always consider each child in a family and her particular temperament and sensitivities as you decide what to say to each. Information is absorbed and processed differently by different children.  You may have to bring older siblings into the loop when deciding who should know what when there are younger or more sensitive children.
• Respond to what the child knows…and no more.  Do not add detail to your answer. Correct misinformation and provide clarity. Answer questions directly and factually.
• Add reassurance.  Most children will wonder if the flood will come to them.  While we cannot know that it will never happen, we need to provide our children with a sense of safety.  Explain that this was a freak occurrence. Rains and floods of this proportion are highly unusual. You child needs to feel that it will not happen to her.
• With older children, conversations about climate change and burn scars may be appropriate. The older child may even bring these up.
• Emphasize all the helpers. There were so many people who helped others to be safe during the flood. The adults, the counselors, the rangers, safety monitors, etc… were all there to keep the kids safe. People came from everywhere to help at the camp.
• Campers who are aware of the flood might be affected. It is entirely possible that a child who has been to sleep away camp, who has heard about the flood, will say she doesn’t want to go to camp next year. For children who attend a camp near a body of water this might be especially true. Neither play down her feelings down nor try to talk the child out of them. Validate her worry and feelings, knowing that this is what she is feeling now, and she might change her mind later on.  Camp is a whole year away. Much can change in time.
• Listen!  Listen more than talk. Be available to your child. Be a container for her feelings, her fears, her concerns, her worries.

Tips for Dealing with the Deaths from the Flood

There is much literature to guide you to help children of all ages learn about and deal with death. My own book, Just Tell Me What To Say, has a whole chapter on the topic. Use the resources that are available to you online. The tips below are pertinent to the flood related deaths.

•  Children do not die. For adults and children the horror of children dying in the flood is impossible to process. The reality of the victims being children adds tremendous terror for the child. They have always believed that people do not die until they are old. Know this. You may need to say to your child,  Usually people don’t die until they are very old. But once in a very long while something happens, a problem with a body or an accident, and a young person, even a child, dies.
• Identifying with the victim. As much as our adult sadness comes from knowing how we would feel were we to lose a child, so does a child fear what it would be like if someone in his family died. It is a normal fear through which many children pass. But tragedy may fuel a new or renewed fear of death.  A child doesn’t typically think about her own death. Rather, the child worries about losing someone close to her, Mommy or Daddy.  So, stay close. Offer reassurance that you are fine, safe, and healthy. Our family is fine and safe. But we do know how horrible it is for someone else to die. We feel for their family.
• The flood was a freak event. Emphasize over and over that the flood and deaths were extremely unusual. Camps are made to be very safe. But no one can control Mother Nature. No one ever thought that the rain and flood of this magnitude would happen or take children’s lives. No one has ever ever ever experienced something like this at a camp before. (The same is true for those who perished while vacationing near the river, if this applies to you.)
• Making it all better…is impossible.   Much as we would like to shield our children from the pain that real life can bring, we cannot. There is nothing you can say to make their fear and sadness completely go away. But your job is to be there and to let your children express themselves. They need to feel what they feel. They need to process these tragedies just the way adults do.
• Listen more, talk less. As stated above, you need to be a container for your child’s feelings. Be home, be around, be available so if they want to talk, they will. Leave space for them.
• Children process things differently. Some children have over sized, overt reactions. Others react in a quieter way. But each is processing in her own way. There are no two people who will react in exactly the same way. There is no right or wrong.
•  Some children don’t talk. Not all children are forthright with their feelings at all.  You cannot rip their feelings out of them when they have tamped them down.  But expressing your feelings will help them to know it is okay to be sad. And yes, you can cry. You give them permission to have their feelings in whatever form they are.
• Seek help.  It is highly likely that there are many Texan campers who will need the help of a mental help professional.  So may be the case if a child knew or knew of someone who died in the flood.  You know your child best of all, and if you see signs that your child needs professional help, do not hesitate to get a recommendation from your pediatrician or your child’s school.