• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar

Betsy Brown Braun

Child Development and Behavior Specialist. Parent Educator. Best Selling Author

  • Home
  • What’s New
    • Upcoming Appearances
    • Video Seminars on Demand
    • In the News
    • Ask BBB – Columns from the Palisadian-Post
  • About
  • Services
    • Register Now
    • Private Consultations
      • Consultation Policies
    • Custody Consultation; Co-Parenting Planning/Implementation
    • Concierge Consulting
    • Parenting Seminars
    • In-Person Parenting Seminars
    • Video Seminars on Demand
    • Parenting Groups
    • Monthly Parenting Groups FALL 2023 through MAY 2024
    • Speaker and Seminar Topics
  • Recommendations
    • Betsy’s Books
    • Books Betsy Recommends
    • Special Children’s Books
    • Books: Special Issues
    • Articles
  • Betsyisms
    • Questions and Answers
    • Video Shorts
    • Video Seminars on Demand
    • Well Said
  • Blog
    • All Blog Entries
  • Testimonials
    • Parents
    • Pediatricians/Professionals
  • Media
    • Magazines
    • Television
    • Newspapers
    • Internet
    • Radio
    • Podcasts
    • Electronic Press Kit
  • Contact

Look At That Lady’s Nose!

by Betsy Brown Braun on August 7, 2011, under Character traits, Environmental influences, Parent modeling, Parenting, Toddlers

Young children notice difference. As they try to make sense of their world, they pay attention to regularity and irregularity, what is familiar and what is not.  And there is no judgment involved, just recognition of difference. Truth be told, most people notice difference.  It’s no big deal, or it shouldn’t be, anyway.  Problems arise when difference is viewed as unacceptable.  I know many adults who could use a lesson in tolerating difference.

Last week on the bike path at the beach, a family strolled by all dressed in saris and clothing native to India.  The warm, sunny day brought out people in all manner of beach and sports attire, but only this family was fully covered head to toe in brightly colored, diaphanous fabric, and they stood out. They were different, and I noticed.

Recently at lunch at a hip restaurant in town, I was seated next to a woman dressed very much like a man—crew cut hair, dark pleated slacks, white tailored dress shirt, vest.  She was different from the other diners, and I noticed.

Starting from an early age, children need to learn that different isn’t necessarily good or bad…it’s just different.  When a four year old sees a woman with an unusually big nose (or who is unusually tall or in a wheel chair or has waist length dreadlocks), she blurts out, “Mommy, look that lady’s big nose!”  She’s not accustomed to seeing noses that look like that. It’s different. And it draws her attention for that reason.  Your reaction is among the child’s first lessons about difference. “Yes, you’re right. That woman’s nose is bigger than you have seen. Do you notice how I am using a quiet voice to talk about it?  We don’t know how she feels about her nose, so we don’t want to hurt her feelings. We’ll talk about it when we leave the grocery store.” And later, “People have all different size noses, don’t they? But they’re people with  feelings just the same.”

Children who are raised in climates that model and require tolerance and acceptance of difference will carry that lesson wherever they go. They learn not to judge and measure based on adherence to the norm.  They learn that different is just different. Judgment shouldn’t have a role.

Children also learn the importance of kindness and caring for the feelings of others when difference is noted.  Your reaction certainly teaches that lesson. Something may seem different, even funny or odd or out of place, but that is only your feeling. Regardless of your perception, it isn’t acceptable to hurt someone else’s feelings.

All of the environments in which children live—home, school, sports fields,  karate and dance studios—impact our growing children’s attitudes and behaviors.  Their comfort level with difference and their response to it, their consideration of others, are shaped everywhere they go and by the people who share the space.  When a child hears a parent comment in disgust, “Will you look at her hair!” not only is judgment being modeled, but so is intolerance.  When the environments inhabited by children promote a culture of acceptance, so children will learn that difference is just a part of normal.

This blog is the second in a series being written in response to the trial of  Brandon McInerney, the teen  who is on trial for shooting Larry King, a fellow student who was a cross dresser.

: Beliefs, Compassion, Gender Orientation, judgement, kindness, Parent as teacher, Parent bad behavior, Parenting, tolerance, Values
2 Comments

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Tracy Brody says

    August 8, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    Betsy. I remember this lesson well. You discussed it with me back when my son was 2 years old and the first time another child called him “fat”. It has come up many, many times throughout the years and I was always so grateful you taught me how to respond – to my son and also to the other child. I really think it has helped my son feel more self confident and comfortable in his body. When it ever comes up now, he handles it himself simply saying ” so what? ”
    I wrote that whole session down on paper and I still re-read it from time to time.

  2. Matt Steiner - Launch Education says

    August 12, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Hi Betsy,

    I’ve been meaning to respond to this post for some time now. When speaking to young children, I think it’s incredibly difficult to hash out the nuances of ‘difference’ (e.g. race, gender, class, disability, sexual orientation, etc.). Oftentimes adults don’t have the language to clearly and effectively articulate difference themselves.

    The reason I like this post SO MUCH is because it couches difference in such simple terms. Young children don’t need to be saturated with the details of difference in order to learn mindfulness, tolerance, and appreciate diversity. They just need to understand that deviations from the ‘typical’ and ‘normal’ are innocuous (and in some cases, good, valuable, and beautiful).

    I loved this, Betsy. 🙂

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Primary Sidebar

Subscribe to receive news, articles and blogs from Betsy

"I do know so deeply what you have brought to me, Stephane, and the girls as a family.  They would definitely be little assholes without my Betsy’s wise words over the years LOL." -Katy Strouk - Mom of 2 girls--a teen and post college girl.

My wife and I watched your Discipline Video last night . It was ENORMOUSLY helpful...45 years of wisdom in 45 minutes!

-Brian Goldsmith, father of two young children

When you [Betsy] speak, everything just sort of clicks and all the chaos going on around us seems to have order once again. We really appreciate your help and insight.

-Carter Horton Thomas, father of two girls

Betsy is quite simply pure magic. Through the ups and downs of parenting, she is a constant source of tremendous guidance, , wisdom, and comfort. Having Betsy as a trusted resource, as I navigate life with two boys, is truly a blessing.

-Rebecca Jonah, mother of two boys

I have participated in Betsy’s groups and private consultations over the past decade-plus. I find her guidance to be experience and research-based. And I respond to her no-bullshit directness. Her support helps me feel like I am working to be the best mom I can be; knowledgeable, present, and open. Being in the groups has given me so much confidence as a parent, plus camaraderie and lifelong friends with my fellow mom members. Betsy is the rock, sounding board, expert, and friend everyone needs while navigating the parenting journey.

-Meredith Alexander, mother of two boys

Betsy is quite simply pure magic. Through the ups and downs of parenting (and life!), she is a constant source of tremendous guidance and wisdom and comfort. Having Betsy as a trusted resource (who has literally seen it all) as I navigate life with two boys is truly a blessing.

-Rebecca Jonah, mother of two boys

You’re like a drug and it’s hard to get enough of your wisdom so thank you!

-Maryam Shahrokhi, Pediatrician in LA

Your voice is so often in my head as I navigate the adventures (good, bad, and yes, sometimes ugly) of parenting. I can’t imagine what I would have done all these years without it...it’s like a touchstone that keeps me on track.

-Thea Andrews Wolf, mom of 2 middle school boys

We’ve been overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive response in our community from the PA Forum Betsy held for our Middle and High School parents. We are all discussing our implementation of her practical, meaningful advice - from how to respond to our teen's and tween’s meltdowns to how to deal with their messy rooms. Additionally she helped frame parenting (and over-parenting) during this challenging time as well as normalize our parental anxieties.Thank you Betsy!

-Leigh Morales, MS PA Forum Chair, The Greenhill School, Dallas TX

A parenting guru.

-The New York Times

Betsy offers the clearest, calming, and most helpful advice there is on parenting...She's like having the smartest, coolest, and amazingly right mom just a phone call away.

-Jane Buckingham, Author of The Modern Girls Guide to Life and The Modern Girls Guide to Motherhood

Betsy Brown Braun is a fine observer of children…

-Dr. Robert M. Landaw, Pediatrician

Betsy keeps it real. She respects parents and children and gives parents the straight scoop about productive communication. I turn to her insights again and again.

-Alexis Bircoll Martin, mother of two

Your talk really helped me in becoming a more “open” parent and less worried about little things that really don’t matter and restrict kids in a negative way.

-Nina Hong, mother

Betsy got me over the bumps of raising two young boys and over the moguls of raising teenage boys. She is my rock.

-Deidra Hall

Betsy’s private consultations are fabulous. She has a gift for understanding all different types of children and giving advice that works for your particular child.

-Craig Mallery

I love the way you think and how clear you make the issues seem. You are so brilliant and I love how perceptive and straightforward you are. You anchor me and the things you say make a lot of sense.

-Leigh Nickoll, Marriage and Family Counselor

Betsy is always able to come up with simple and unique approaches to common parenting problems as well as more complex issues. What she says makes good sense and always works...

-Joanna VanTrees Cowitt, mother of a boy and a girl, Los Angeles, CA

Betsy Brown Braun is a master teacher and one of the wisest parenting experts I have ever known.

-Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D., author of Children of Character

Betsy is a wise, humorous, and caring advisor... Due in large part to Betsy, we are smarter parents and our children are happier and healthier as a result.

-Steven Webber, father of two boys

Betsy Brown Braun’s class has been an incredible experience for me. Her wisdom, combined with a rare and wonderful sense of humor, has helped me become a better parent.

-Deborah Gleiberman, mother of three children

Betsy is our modern-day version of the ‘village elder’ from whom we all seek counsel. Her suggestions have enabled me to respond to my children’s questions and curiosity in a way that respects their intelligence without confusing them.

-Paulina Ladreyt, mother of twin boys, Santa Monica, CA

Seminars, groups and consulting
Engagements, media, presentations, and video seminars
Just Tell Me What to Say and You’re Not The Boss of Me. Buy them today!
On Demand Parenting Seminars.
Smooth the Start to the New School Year 2018...

Secondary Sidebar

Seminars, groups and consulting
Engagements, media, presentations, and video seminars
Just Tell Me What to Say and You’re Not The Boss of Me. Buy them today!
On Demand Parenting Seminars.
Read the latest blog posts from Betsy.

Betsy Brown Braun

  • Home
  • What’s New
  • About
  • Services
  • Recommendations
  • Betsyisms
  • Blog
  • Testimonials
  • Media
  • Contact