Fire Talk

An evacuee myself, I am attempting to write a blog on my little iPhone. My desktop computer is in my office at home in Pacific Palisades. Please know that my house is standing and I am safe. And please also know that I am among the very few, very lucky people who did not lose her home. I must have an angel on my shoulder.

I don’t need to reiterate what a devastating time this is for so many families who have been affected by the fire. In addition, all the people who may not have been affected, still have deep feelings about what has happened to friends, families, and acquaintances. For children in particular, this event is absolutely terrifying. Just hearing about fire and other catastrophes nowhere near them can lead to many sleepless nights, fears and worries.

I know well that communication is key. So, to support those who need it, I offer a series of tips below.

• Your children get their cues from you. You do not need to hide your feelings, but you do need to get a grip, especially in front of them.
• What you tell your child, to what you expose your child, to has everything to do with you, your family and your beliefs. You know your children best, and you will need to craft your conversations around your child’s particular age, development, temperament. How much or how little you say is entirely up to you, based on each child.
• Your child will absorb whatever is going on around him. Be vigilant about the news and the visual images to which you expose him. Be hyper aware of what he is hearing and seeing or over hearing (including emotions expressed), and the information he is getting. This includes conversations heard from older siblings and other relatives, on the phone and otherwise.
• Impossible as it may seem, your child does best with regularity. While his surroundings may be different, while so much may have changed, he still needs to have his meals, have his bedtime, have his boundaries and rules, have his time with his parents, all of it. Try your very best to keep to his routine.
• Be available to your children. Now is the time to do what I call “circle the wagons.” Stick around. Be together.
• Here is a basic script to use with a young child, seven years old and younger:
  

  There was a big fire. Many things burned down. But we are safe. We are together as a family. None of us is hurt. That is the most important thing.

• It is important that you reiterate over and over again that you are fine and you will continue to be so. Your children need to know that anything they have can be replaced.(Forgive me if I am being cavalier or assuming you have endless funds. I am thinking only of your child’s need for reassurance.)
• For all children, this is a time when you say very little, and say it very simply. Then you wait. Allow the silence. Your child needs to digest, to process, and to ponder. You wait for the questions. There will be many. Answer them honestly, but take care to keep your own child in mind. Know that children process differently and are affected differently. Some children will have more questions. Some will have less.
• Take care not to say too much. Try to answer only the questions your child asks. Those questions will likely continue for days and days and days if not months and years. Needless to say, the immensity of this devastating event will generate many different and maybe unexpected questions, as the child feels the impact and processes what has happened. The same question may be asked over and over again, as the child tries to wrap his arms around what has happened. Of course, be patient and understanding.
• Talk about the rebuilding process. We know it’s going to take years and years. But children need to have something on which to hold. Let them know that they will have a house again, that they will have a school again, that they will have a grocery store again. The concept of how long it will take does not need to be included in this discussion.
• I have been asked how much a child, children of all ages, should be exposed to. In real time. The answer is, it depends. Showing photographs, however, is good way to start. It is far easier to digest a photo of a school that has been burned down, a house that has burned down than diving right into the cold hard reality. Depending upon your child’s reaction to the photos, you can expose him to the real time scene. A photograph followed by seeing the scene in real life is easier than the stark reality first.
• Exposing your child to the utter devastation that has happened in larger swaths, like the entire Palilsades Village, may not be a good idea at the start. Again, it depends. Even older children may have a hard time seeing that devastation.
• For those children whose houses or schools did not burn, but who have been exposed to this horror, I suggest you use your good sense about what to show them. They, of course, will want to know and to see. Very often, not sharing and not telling facts leaves a child to his own imagination to create something much worse than you would have told him.
• My own grandchildren were very worried and wanted to know that their grandparents were OK. They needed a visual of the scene (and of me). Rather than showing them photos of all the devastation, I sent them a video that shows how our fence along Sunset Blvd behind our house had burned down. That met their need. I share this as an example of titrating your response based on the children. Not too much and not too little.
• Remember, live images have tremendous staying power and great impact. They cannot be erased from a person’s brain.
• A child may benefit from seeing photos of what his school, his church, his park, his library, looked like before the fire. He can know that they did exist, and that they will exist again.
• Being positive while not being a Pollyanna is important. As I said, children take their lead from you. Giving a message that yes, this is horrible, but we will rebuild, will set the tone for your child. Together, as a family and as a community, you will make things fine for you all
• Honor and validate your child’s feelings however big or far-fetched they may seem. And be the container for your child’s feelings that he needs. No question, no comment is too small or unimportant.
• Correct any misinformation your child may have.
• Remember to have some fun with your family, No one‘s life should be totally filled with doom and gloom.

As Annie said, “The sun WILL come out tomorrow…” and please remember to count your blessings.

Should you have questions or issues about your child with regard to behavior, schools, development, don’t hesitate to call.

Make an appointment with Betsy