The Unmentionable: Wiping Your Child
by Betsy on Mar.07, 2011, under Parenting, Toddlers, Transitions
Sheepishly, the mom asked, “Should I still be wiping my seven year old’s tush after he makes a poop?” Some of you might be gasping in horror, but others of you are nodding in agreement as you wonder the same thing. The third time in a week that I was asked the question in a parenting group, I knew it was time to write about it: When should a child wipe his own bottom?
Isn’t it funny that parents flock to my seminars on raising self reliant children…. and the next morning they run to wipe their 5 year old’s hiney?
Toilet training, (though I prefer to call it toilet learning), is much more than just learning to put your pee and your poop in the toilet. It is also a giant step towards independence and self reliance when all the parts of the lesson fall into place. Not only does the child recognize the need to go while he’s building with Legos, but he makes it to the bathroom in time, pulls his own pants down, gets himself onto the toilet, releases his business there, wipes himself, pulls both his undies and his pants back up, and tops it off with washing his hands…with soap. That’s a whole lot of self reliance!
Not all the steps of toilet learning happen at the same time, but within months, most children are relatively accomplished at the task. That is, unless we parents sabotage their self reliance.
Of course, the wiping part is usually the last skill to be accomplished, and not many take to it easily. There’s not much that’s actually pleasant about poop, except being done with it. But it’s a necessary evil. And, unless you plan on accompanying your child on his honeymoon as his hand maiden, you best teach him how to wipe himself early on.
Learning to wipe should begin as soon as the child learns to use the toilet. At first you will do the dirty work, but your child should do the second wipe, as he learns the motion and becomes better able to reach his hind quarters. Some children even do best getting off the toilet and squatting down so their cheeks easily spread to an open target. Some children like to do a spot check in the mirror. (Back to the full length mirror, bend over, and look in the mirror between the legs.)
As a former preschool teacher, let me break the bad news: preschool teachers do not wipe their students’ behinds! They expect the children to do it themselves. Therein lies the answer to the what age question: Four year olds should do their own wiping.
I can hear you now, declaring the inadequate job he will do. Yes, this is part of the learning process. Children will have skid marks in their underpants. Some will even have sore bottoms from not doing a good enough job. But this is why God created baths, showers, and washing machines! And this is why pharmaceutical companies make all kinds of soothing creams that kids learn to apply all by themselves!
Continuing to wipe your child because he won’t or you won’t let him is a strong message about your faith in him. Learning to take care of all his bathroom needs is an important part of becoming a self reliant person. Now, out of the bathroom, please!
March 11th, 2011 on 10:11 pm
Have I told you lately how much I appreciate your honesty?? My daughter, now 3.5 if you can believe it, has very little patience for this step in the process. Her busy schedule just really does not allow for a whole lot of time to be spent on all this cleaning business!! At least with hand washing she gets to play with some soap and water for goodness sake! The toddler wipes do help for at home but she does come home with the dreaded skid marks from school and a red tushy now and again!! Thanks for the tip with the mirror, I am redoing her bathroom and will definately add!! And thank you for always being so frank and honest to tell us parents like it is!
Anita
March 12th, 2011 on 8:34 pm
Thanks for taking the time to share, Anita. This issue challenges more people than admit it! Of this I am sure. So glad the blog helped.
And thanks, too, for appreciating my style and approach. No question that I tell it like it is. Happy that it works for you!! BBB
April 4th, 2011 on 2:01 am
This advice can (and must!) be applied to all ages of kids. Yea your pre-teen might not be as good at vacuuming or loading the dishwasher as you…but they have to start somewhere!
April 4th, 2011 on 3:03 am
Amen, Caitlin!!!
December 3rd, 2011 on 2:38 am
I have a 5 year old son who has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS; one of his problems involves lack of fine motor skill development. He started occupational therapy about 4 months ago two times a week and is making progress. (aka he can now hold a crayon and has limited control now) He recently has been showing some interest in wiping his own bottom but I know he has not developed the skills to do the job. And although I appreciate that sometimes kids do have to struggle to learn I hesitate to have him struggle in this area. He has a history of problems with learning potty skills and he does still wear a pull-up at night. How can I go about helping him find success in learning this skill without add even more frustration to his life?
December 3rd, 2011 on 5:06 pm
Baby steps are what you need. Start by letting your boy do the “first wipe” (And use flushable wet wipes). Then you follow up. Praise him to the hills and avoid the “oh yucky” comments. Good for you!
April 25th, 2012 on 3:54 pm
My son turn 3 this year in January and is not willing to learn to go potty. I have tried most things I read about. Bribe him with stuff, watching videos with him while we are in the bathroom, put big boys underware allowing him to have accidents, making him go regardles of his crying. the few times he went by me forcing him to sit I praised him big time! He is in a potty train classroom at daycare and everybody is required to actively participate but he will cry every single time. He has struggle with chronic constipation since he was 9 months old and because I give him a stool softener sometimes he gets diarreah. I talk to his pediatrician and she said to back off for a month, dont talk about it or anything. She said that I have to make it look like is his idea. ultimately he is the one who has control over it. when I talked to his daycare teacher to ask her to back off for a while as the pediatrician suggested which she did but went back to start insisting he goes without consulting with me because she feels that it is not fair to the othwer children who are made to go. this is so stressful she thinks he is manipuplating me because I told her that my son had asked me to talk to her to request giving him more time. She has told me in many different ocassions that my son is very smart, that he speaks a lot better than everybody else in the classroom, he listens to instruction,and participates in all activites, that he and is well behaved and that he is ready to move on to the next classroom if he only learns to go potty. My take on that is yes, I want him to move on to be challange in other areas of learning but I dont believe in forcing him to do something he is not willing to do just yet. Betsy, should I be looking for some kind of deficit at some level or concern about his development at all or do you think this is simple power struggle and I am being manipulated? I’d appreciate your advice in this matter so much.
April 26th, 2012 on 12:34 am
Toilet skills cannot be rushed. Sounds like you got off on the wrong foot with this one. Too much pressure at home and for sure at school. While your son may be physically ready to use the toilet, he sure isn’t emotionally ready. Too many cooks in your kitchen. Leave him alone for a while. No talk, no comments, no offering the toilet. I repeat leave him along and not a peep about it. There is no concern about his development.