Seems like almost every parent today knows that spanking is verboten. Everyone except that parent who says, “My father spanked me, and I turned out fine.” To him I want to say, You don’t remember how you felt while you were being spanked—the terror, the helplessness, the anger. Working with parents for 40 years has demonstrated to me that parents spank because they don’t know what else to do that “really works.” It is out of their simmering frustration that they resort to harsh physical … [Read more...] about If Not Spanking, Then What?
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What Does Mommy Do?
The mom’s tears at the end of the session spent counseling this soon-to-be separating couple were not surprising. Divorce is never easy. We had begun to discuss custody schedules, always a prickly topic. That’s when the dam broke. My empathetic comments about how painful these things are bounced right back. “That’s not it!” the mother unequivocally declared. “What will I do?” she cried, emphasizing the word “do.” There were so many divorce related changes-to-come that had to be flooding this … [Read more...] about What Does Mommy Do?
Smartphone as Saboteur
Technology is here to stay. No question there. Children born today must become technologically literate in order to thrive in their world as they grow. No question there. Advanced technologies make parts of raising children easier. No question there either. Wait! It’s spinning out of control. The horse is driving the cart! The inmates are running the prison! Several adamant listener responses to my interview on Patt Morrison’s NPR radio show … [Read more...] about Smartphone as Saboteur
The Right to be Unhappy
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." Every kid knows that insipid song. It scrolls through a palette of feelings, "If you're sad...If you're angry..." always pointing to the refrain "but if you're happy and you know it, shout hooray!" as if that's the right way to be. I'm not so sure. What about all the other feelings, the big feelings--sadness, anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, to name a few-- which fall under the umbrella of "unhappy?" What is the child supposed to do … [Read more...] about The Right to be Unhappy
Loose Parts
For years I have extolled the value of empty cardboard boxes—the ones in which your big appliances arrive—in the lives of children. You see cardboard box to be recycled; your child sees secret cave, fire station, beauty parlor, club house. But Caine Monroy has broadened even my wildest dreams. He built Caine’s Arcade (http://vimeo.com/40000072). Caine’s dad George claims that he is no special parent. He says he simply knew his son, didn’t force him to do what he didn’t want, and allowed him … [Read more...] about Loose Parts
Tantrums: Doing What Comes Naturally.
There’s nothing like a toddler’s tantrum or an older child’s melt down to bring a parent to her knees. It’s one of those behaviors that makes you feel inadequate and helpless, to say nothing of incompetent. Put that tantrum in a public place—a restaurant, the grocery store, the school lobby—and you can add embarrassment, fear, and frustration to your own list of feelings. The ante is upped. Believe it or not, tantrums are typical of children all over the world, and they look pretty much … [Read more...] about Tantrums: Doing What Comes Naturally.